That was Anti-Climactic

My brother and sister-in-law are here! My sister-in-law saw one of my Sapphic GIFs and asked me about it when we were alone for a moment. So, I told her.


How I felt before:




How she reacted:




How I felt after:



No one else knows. I’m sure she’ll tell my brother, but that is okay. I told her I was scared to tell my uncle, in case my mom and uncle fight, but she said he was a safe person to tell secrets.

Sensory Deprivation

My RL experience with sensory deprivation is neutral. Although, the light hurt my eyes when I took the black-out mask off! I also experienced blindfolds and mummy bags, etc. However, in my fantasies, where reality is gleefully suspended, this is how I imagine sensory deprivation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c

In case youtube takes it down:


via http://io9.com/5829343/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-sensory-deprivation-tanks









The Tank




 


















While creating this video I realized I have no issue imagining a stranger injecting me with illicit drugs like LSD! This does not bother me because I know it is the type of fantasy that I enjoy thinking about, but would never enact in real life. At the same time, the violence in similar fantasies scares me. Perhaps it shouldn’t. If I can separate the drugs from RL, why can’t I separate the violence? If drugs don’t bother me, why should dangerous levels of violence bother me?

I think the difference is I would never mix mind altering chemicals and BDSM, whereas I often mix violence and BDSM. Therefore, one is completely out of the realm of possibility and the other is too close for comfort. Maybe I fear crossing the line of safe and sane with violence, but not drugs. As a result, it is easy to separate fantasies involving drugs, but violent fantasies cause cognitive dissonance because they are close to real life.

Olivia Dunham: Fandom Explored

In an earlier post, BDSM: It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust. Right?!, I mentioned my love of strong female characters. Although I dismissed a potential contradiction, I do find it a bit odd. My favorite TV characters have similarities; they’re mostly tough, independent, fighters. To try to find more common characteristics, I’m going to do quick character analyses.

Olivia Dunham from Fringe.

Oh, Olive! At first, I didn’t like you. I think it was because you remind me too much of myself. You grew on me though! You are insecure at times, okay a lot of the time, you have trouble letting people in, you’re too serious, but…

First of all, you are a BAMF all the way! Who else could survive this?


Second, you are emotional, maybe too emotional, and you know it.

Yet, you play your hand close to your vest. You hide your emotions as much as possible, you do not trust easily. Your ability to bluff and hide is a type of strength.

Third, you risk everything for the people who love and the principles you hold dear. You would sacrifice yourself for others. There is no greater love.

Fourth, you can take care of yourself! Left behind in a hostile alternate dimension? Not a problem! You can problem solve like a champion! Plus, you can fight and shoot a gun rather well!

Fifth, you are empathetic and instead of letting it make you weak, you learn to harness it and make yourself a better FBI Agent.

Sixth, you dedicate your life to helping others and putting away the bad guys.

Seventh, I love your sense of humor!

Eighth, you stand up for what you believe in, even against people in power. You don’t mince words.

As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM

Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!

 

This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.



How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.



I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.



Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.



Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.

Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.

*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.

Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.

No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell

I never thought lawyers were evil. Although law professors may be...Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.




How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )


 


How I actually feel…


 


What I wish was possible…





Trying to summon strength…

I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…


 


But in the end


 


     
I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn't be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe...

aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I'll still be online in 5 hours.