Control Issues

Re-watching Legend of the Seeker is so much more fun than studying for law school exams. It is fun to see little nods to Terry Goodkind's books and also see the differences in cannon.

It also kind of funny because as I watch each episode I remember it a little bit. I find myself thinking,  "YES, Confess someone already! Let's get on with it!" or "More Mord-Sith, yay! Start with the torture already!" Apparently I do have control issues.

Treatment teams across the years keep insisting EDs are about controlling something when one can't control other aspects of life. What if I'm just a control freak? If it is that simple, why do I want to give up control? Then again, perhaps I don't have any desire to give up control. While it is true I enjoy restraint and subservience, I always felt safe because I knew if I said a safe word the pain  would stop. Although to an outsider, it may appear I am a prisoner, in reality, I am the one in control. Granted, utilizing such control, unless I'm in physical danger, defeats the purpose of the dynamic and is rude. The point isn't that I should or do use control, but that I could if necessary. In that way, I am in control. Then again, if I'm with someone I have not vetted, a safe word is just an illusion. In restraints, someone could easily chose to ignore my safe word.

Or maybe I think too much about control and it is irrelevant. *head* -> *desk*

Clearly this is another facet that needs exploration. *sigh* So complicated.

Speaking of control, I have no self-control unless it involves starving or hurting myself. Apparently, that requires self-control. I don't know if this no-studying problem is version of self-sabotage or what... Actually, I'm fairly confident it has to do with fear of failure and if I procrastinate enough I can blame my failure on "depression". Yet at this point, I'm just shooting myself in the foot. UGH.

Is there worth in someone who has so little self-control? Why can I do "difficult" things for another or hurt myself, but I don't have the self-control to help myself?! I can control myself for someone else, but not for myself. I'm completely other-driven. That seems to imply some deep-seated, internal flaw.