Visions of Torture Dancing in their Heads

The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.

The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.

The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…

After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.

The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.

“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”

Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.

As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.

There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.

I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,

“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”

Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.

The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.