Sensory Deprivation

My RL experience with sensory deprivation is neutral. Although, the light hurt my eyes when I took the black-out mask off! I also experienced blindfolds and mummy bags, etc. However, in my fantasies, where reality is gleefully suspended, this is how I imagine sensory deprivation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c

In case youtube takes it down:


via http://io9.com/5829343/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-sensory-deprivation-tanks









The Tank




 


















While creating this video I realized I have no issue imagining a stranger injecting me with illicit drugs like LSD! This does not bother me because I know it is the type of fantasy that I enjoy thinking about, but would never enact in real life. At the same time, the violence in similar fantasies scares me. Perhaps it shouldn’t. If I can separate the drugs from RL, why can’t I separate the violence? If drugs don’t bother me, why should dangerous levels of violence bother me?

I think the difference is I would never mix mind altering chemicals and BDSM, whereas I often mix violence and BDSM. Therefore, one is completely out of the realm of possibility and the other is too close for comfort. Maybe I fear crossing the line of safe and sane with violence, but not drugs. As a result, it is easy to separate fantasies involving drugs, but violent fantasies cause cognitive dissonance because they are close to real life.

Visions of Torture Dancing in their Heads

The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.

The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.

The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…

After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.

The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.

“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”

Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.

As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.

There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.

I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,

“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”

Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.

The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.

Reasons NOT to Come Out

1. Once you tell someone, not in the lifestyle, you are a masochist, it becomes a joke. For example, while baking 2 days ago, one item needed to be rolled in powdered sugar right after it came out of the oven. My mom said, “Ok, we need the masochist!” *she laughs*

Now, that is not especially hurtful or rude, but would it be socially acceptable to say, “Ok, we need the lesbian!” No, I think not. I don’t know, I’m probably being over sensitive.

2. Once you tell someone, it becomes okay to randomly hurt you. For example, After someone pinches me hard enough to break skin, I say, “What are you doing?” They reply, “What? You shouldn’t care; you’re a masochist.”

Um…That is not how it works…   

Masochism is Not a Disease

“For example, heavy masochists enjoy pain intensities  that most players cannot tolerate, such as canings or single-tailed whippings. Canings and intense whippings are performed by very experienced players and can leave welts, small cuts, and bruises, but these are generally considered acceptable as long as these marks can heal on their own. Some heavy masochists are proud of their markings following a scene.“

Wait….That is abnormal?! I assumed all masochists felt this way.

“Therapists should be aware that dominant–submissive relationships, particularly those that are long term, may be characterized by levels of trust, intimacy, and sharing that  may be unmatched by many conventional relationships.”

*nods* This is my experience.

“Although it may be common to assume BDSM participants are psychosocially maladjusted, many have been found to be well-educated and well-adjusted”

“Probably the most important point is that sexual masochism appears to be more common among successful, individualistic people” (p. 120). According to Baumeister, such unconventional behaviors seem to be a way to temporarily escape from the Self. Indeed, we live in a fast-paced society with high stress and many demands, but also restrictions, on different aspects of our identities. Perhaps BDSM play is a safe way for many individuals to creatively escape, whether it be through means such as letting go of control (submission), experiencing pain or extreme sensation (focus on the body and/or natural endorphin rush), or temporarily become a different identity (fantasy/role play).”

Awesome, he doesn’t think that is a bad thing! I kept reading different theories of masochism and therapists kept mentioning escape for self as a bad, self-destructive reason.

“Again, the issue is not whether or not certain behaviors are morally okay, but whether or not certain behavioral patterns warrant inclusion as legitimate mental disorders based on solid empirical evidence and scientific inquiry. As has been pointed out, the evidence supporting BDSM as being objectively and necessarily pathological is lacking. To the contrary, the available evidence suggests BDSM participants generally are healthy, educated, well-adjusted and successful. However, it is unfortunate that many participants must remain silent about their lifestyles for fear that misperceptions, cultural and religious biases and judgments by others could lead to severe problems in social and occupational functioning.”

Who knows, maybe by the DSM-VII we won’t be considered mentally ill (for this reason ) I think I’m going to talk to my uncle about all this. I used to talk to him about my eating disorder when I was a kid. I want to talk to someone, really talk to someone, not just type my thoughts to people who don’t respond. I know I’ll talk to him about bisexuality because he is gay. Therefore, I know he will have no qualms about that. I may bring up the submissive/masochistic side to. After all, he knows me and should be able to judge if my motives are self-destructive or not.

All quotes are from “Different (Painful!) Strokes for Different Folks: A General Overview of Sexual Sadomasochism (SM) and its Diversity” by DJ Williams 

Apparently DJ Williams is a Sociologist, not a Psychologist. I suppose I can forgive him!

Scientific Research on Masochism

Finally I can research psychology journals or create fandom music videos without feeling guilty for
procrastinating!

So far, my research is comforting! Then again, I am purposefully biased in paper selection. Since I’m not doing this research for a dissertation or a lab, I am okay with that! However, you should know I am ignoring papers that are negative. Yet, the ability to find any positive published papers on masochism is exciting!

I wanted to wait until I read all the articles I saved, but I can’t wait to share this beautiful prose from a PhD psychologist, “The sexual relations found among the clients cited above are not about people who are running away from intimacy, notwithstanding the unusual nature of their sex lives; it is about choosing an extraordinary level of intense, erotic intimacy and of mutual trust. Once one enters the power exchange with a trusted partner, there is no going back, literally or figuratively. To put oneself in another’s hands is not about escapism but rather about being uncovered, exposure and discovery. To be held,appreciated, embraced and loved despite being (or because of having the courage to be) vulnerable and known intimately can lead to self-discovery and acceptance that is transforming. This is living on the edge. It may entail placing oneself in suspended animation, changing one’s pain threshold and intensely focused concentration.”

 This paragraph gives me warm and fuzzies. Yay for knowledgeable people making it okay and NOT pathological to be me.

And

“Whereas many people conceal themselves during sex, extraordinary lovers deliberately seek out the anxiety provoking. That which creates embarrassment, trepidation, a sense of foreboding, or provokes uneasy nervous laughter, curiosity, a titillating sense of risk and/or a compelling hint of arousal (Mahrer, 1996/2004) may suggest the potential for growth resides there. Rather than trying to dampen, modulate, contain and ignore (i.e., “bypass”) the anxiety that interferes with “functioning,” such lovers explore and exploit sensitive areas and use them as an avenue towards personal development and erotic intimacy. They may not know what lurks in their own shadows but the attitude is of welcoming unknowns.”

Both quotes are from “Learning from Extraordinary Lovers: Lessons from the Edge” by Dr. Peggy J. Kleinplatz

BDSM: Maybe it IS about the Pain

I have a few different ideas about pain. Of course, not all pain is equal and circumstances matter a great deal, but that is another post.

This video contains fictional examples of some of my thoughts about pain. The clips are from V for Vendetta and Legend of the Seeker. If you’d rather not watch it, I’m also going to list them and explain the ideas in the post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rut1ONumlks 

 

1. Pain gives us pride. This is a large aspect for me. I am proud of the amount of pain I can endure. I look at bruises or other marks, lightly touching them to make my nerves dance, and smile because I see proof of my inner strength.

2. Pain makes us powerful. I feel pride because of this power. Withstanding pain makes me powerful because the more pain I willingly endure, the less anyone or anything can truly hurt me. I am powerful because blows glance off me.

3. Pain teaches us control. Biting back a scream, forcing my body to remain still as the whip mars my flesh, or resisting the urge the cry, enables self-control. Sometimes I may not be able to control my emotions, but this helps. It gives me a measure of control that few people can match without drugs. If I can master my body, I can master my emotions.

4. Pain makes us resilient. Withstanding brutal bodily assault means lesser hurts, physical and emotional, are like minor annoyances. Once you’ve been though hell, everything else seems inconsequential.

5. Pain clarifies what is important to us. Taking yourself to the edge brings clarity. What are you willing to endure torture for? An ideal, such as honesty? Your life? Someone else’s life? It may even give you a will to live. Pain shows us there is more to life; it opens our eyes. What are we willing to sacrifice? What means more than our life?

6. Pain takes away our fear. This is the same idea as resilience. Once you’ve shown the limits of your will, there is nothing more to fear in this life.

7. Pain reveals our true selves. It strips away the veneer, the masks we put on, the image we try to project… It takes us to our base self. It shows who we really are without the trappings we live with.

8. Pain bonds us. Pain not only bonds a couple engaging in S&M, it also bonds us to others. Pain creates a new depth of intimacy. The trust and faith required to submit wholly to another person is unparalleled. This is how masochism is sexual for me. Pain has all these functions, but this one is purely about connecting with your partner on a new level. I am capable of strong, loving emotional connections, but pain brings something new to the equation. Yet, it also deepens our empathy towards everyone because pain is something all people experience.

9. Pain is transformative. Through all these ways, pain transforms our being. Once we have this knowledge of ourselves, once we are purified through the fire, we emerge as new people.

But if pain transforms than why would someone need more than one intense scene in their life?

Because we can always become stronger, more self-controlled, more powerful, more centered. Furthermore, pain has value in the moment.

10. Pain overwhelms the brain and blissfully obliterates emotion. Sad? Angry? Hurt? Lonely? You don’t have to be. Maybe it isn’t the healthiest way to deal with emotion, but it works. I don’t have to feel. I don’t have to scream at someone in anger. All I have to do is get rid of the emotion with another sensation. That is why I self-injure. It has nothing to do with sex. I’m not saying anger does not have a place. All emotions have a time and a place; confrontation is sometimes necessary to. You have to be able to express your needs within any relationship. Needs and wants and emotional reactions are normal. It is good to be able to talk about your feelings. Otherwise you can’t have a relationship because relationships, even D/s relationships, are two-sided. A sub or slave is not a doormat, he or she has wants, needs, and feelings just like any other human being. However, some people, submissive or masochistic or none of the above, have emotional reactions  that they know are disproportionate or irrational. Sometimes those emotions have nothing to do with a legitimate want or need, they just spring up and engulf someone. In those cases, when there is no need that must be met or underlying root, and the emotion causes so much turmoil that it threatens to overwhelm the person, using pain to slay the beast makes perfect sense.

11. Pain sates the darkness. As Goodkind eloquently put it,

“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421 of Faith of the Fallen

Clearly, self-hate reigns here. This aspect is probably the most dangerous and unhealthy part. However, as long as the self-hate exists, it is safer to satisfy the demon within through pain from someone else’s hand than one’s own. Otherwise, the feelings of self-loathing may become overwhelming and awful things like suicidal ideation can result. Obviously, you have to pick a partner who cares about your wellbeing more than you do. If you chose a sociopath, you may be no safer than in your own hands. For me, submission fulfills this to. Serving someone else give me a purpose. Subjugation feels like something I deserve. It feels right and proper. Just like pain, submission has many other facets like showing love. However, that is for another post.

Hmm…perhaps this post was wrong or perhaps they are both right and it is not either/or.

Body Love, I know Girls, and Self-Acceptance

More and more I think if it makes me happy, why shouldn’t I do it? Why should I care what other people think? Why should I care about the antecedents?

Perhaps it is true there are more dangerous people who are sadists or more mentally ill people who are masochists, but I also know here are amazing, compassionate, caring, intelligent people on both sides of the coin.

Yes, I have mental illnesses, they are part of who I am today. Even when I am in remission, they’ve shaped who I am. It is clear I function optimally when in a D/s relationship. The last time I remember liking my body and feeling confident since I was 9 years old was during a D/s relationship. Why should I give up that peace and security because of societal expectations?

Someone once told me even if I work through the antecedents, this will most likely always be with me. Why am I fighting so hard against part of myself? Why can’t I just accept it?

Mary Lambert makes me want to cry, in a good way. "I only know how to exist when I am wanted." :( FYI, I'm jealous of her girlfriend; she seems amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7tlFfKCESg

 Go check out her website!! http://marylambertsings.com/

Masochism does not have to be self-destructive. There may be an element of self-hate, but it is so much more than that.

Bad Study Strategies and Bulimia

Bridget Regan as Robin in The Best and The Brightest

Robin:   I agree. I hate fat chicks!
Mica:   Hey, me too.
The Player:   To bulimia!

Note: To be clear, I am not body shaming! I do not hate fat people; I hate my fat!!! In fact, I'm most attracted to people who are slightly overweight. Bridget Regan is an exception because she is fricking gorgeous!

Also, eating disorders are killers, but once you taste one, it is hard to get rid of it because it feels good. Pun very much intended ;)

Do you know what I don’t hate? My eating disorder. Law school stress caused the relapse. My ED is here for me when no one else can be. Just like a collar it wraps me in a comforting hug and insulates me from feeling too much. Plus, when I tried to recover I gained a ton of weight! I even got to the obese range! For me, “recovery” meant binging without purging. I know that is not real recovery, but I never got the binging under control. I binged twice this month, including today. In November I binged twice the entire month. Is it a coincidence that law school exams are looming? I think not! I’m so close and yet so far away! I’m close because they start tomorrow. I’m leagues away because I’ve barely studied.

 

So, why am I blogging? As a general rule, I fail at life. Also, I like to use the excuse that my meds take a half hour to kick-in. However, I find myself wasting time hours later. I can’t avoid studying today; it would be a disaster! I can avoid it for the moment. I’m currently having escapist self-harm, and masochistic urges. I don’t know if I’m completely safe. I won’t log on to my Alt of Collarme accounts and meet some random person because I don’t have a death wish at the moment. So, that is just a mind exercise. I’m not sure if I can withstand the self-harm urges. In this case, I mean doing something dangerous enough that I’d land in the hospital and therefore miss exams. Yeah, I know that is a completely sane and logical thought process. >:(

 
On the bright side, if I make it through exams, my poor followers won’t have to hear me rant about law school for a month!

BDSM Stigma or When family recommends sex therapy

Last night my mom was still harping about the online dating idea. She would not accept my excuses. Finally, I said I was not in a place to date. She wouldn’t let it go So, I told her I needed to figure out some things about myself. The first thing she asked was, “Are you gay?”

I said, “No.”

Her response? “Are you sure?” Hahaha. I did not mention is bi issue because I know she thinks non-heterosexual behavior is morally wrong. Sometimes she talks about how she is worried about my gay uncles’ souls (her brother and his partner).

However, she still wouldn’t give up, saying, “Now I’m worried.”

Since I give her plenty of other reasons to worry. I gave-in and said, “Do you remember the BDSM thing? …” Thankfully, I did not have to explain it to her. However, it was awkward. Her reaction hurt my feelings, but  it could have been a lot worse.

Last night I learned:

1. My mom does not think BDSM in inherently wrong.

Yay!

2. She associates sadism and masochism with antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopaths).

First, she questioned out loud whether I was a sociopath. She didn’t really consider it. After all, she has known me forever and knows, if anything, I have too much empathy. However the idea that she would even consider for a moment, that I lack empathy, along with all the other implications of anti-social personality disorder, because I identify as a masochist or submissive saddens me. If the woman with a PhD in clinical psychology, who has known me longer than anyone on Earth, associates BDSM with antisocial personality disorder and other stigma, so strongly that she reconsiders my personality make-up, how can I expect anyone to accept this? Granted, I don’t go around talking about this IRL. However, knowing there is a huge part of me that I can never reveal to others for fear of reprisal also makes me sad.
Also if she thinks so poorly of sadists, what can she possibly think of me?

3. She thinks masochism will kill me.

She told me a story of a man in our town who was convicted for something (obstruction of justice? involuntary manslaughter? I don’t know), after his wife died during breath play and he burned the house down to try to cover it up. I don’t know if this is the same couple my previous Dom warned me about. He never mentioned a fire to hide evidence. He said they were too afraid to go to the E.R. because of stigma and she died. It sounds like a different couple. Regardless, I don’t feel too bad for the guy, setting his house on fire was a stupid move that made him look guilty of murder. My mom associates sadomasochism with accidental death and sociopaths. She says sadism is a symptom of antisocial personality disorder and there are more “messed up” people in this community than in the general population. Therefore, she thinks either I will die in an accident, or I will meet up with a serial killer or abuser. I told her I am not an idiot I know to meet people in public places and tell someone who I am meeting and where. She replied, “Great, so we know where to start looking for your body. That is comforting.” Also, she seems to forget that I’m not exactly the picture of mental health. If I don’t want someone who is “messed up”, why would anyone want me?! As far as accidents, yes sadomasochism can be dangerous, but well-informed people can take precautions.

4. She doesn’t seem to understand that sadism does not equal masochism.

Damn you Freud! There are masochists without any sadistic tendencies.

5. She thinks it is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
I’m not sure about this. I did a few hours of research and it seems man masochists do not know of their proclivities until young adulthood. Where the hell did 5 year old me learn such things?! Since it began so young for me, I tend to think it is inborn. I asked why she thought it needed therapy, if she thought there was nothing wrong with it. She explained her fears about the difficulty of finding a kind, mentally healthy life partner.

Since she believes finding a good husband would be more difficult in the BDSM world and BDSM is prone to accidental death, she thinks if I can chose not to be another way, I should because BDSM invites trouble. She suggested vanilla dating and then more therapy if I find vanilla is not for me.

6. She believes I have an abnormally high pain threshold. Therefore, it makes sense to her that “normal” sensation may not appeal to me.

Yes, I agree.

7. She thinks I should date 24+ vanilla men and see if I am capable of non-kinky arousal.

She thinks I have not had a enough vanilla experience to know that I’m really not aroused by vanilla things. She is correct, most of my experience has been kinky. It still seems dishonest to get into a relationship purely to explore. She thinks I need to try becoming emotionally attached to vanilla dates and see if physical intimacy has a spark when I care about someone. I see her point here. Yet, it seems like a lot of work. She pointed out that people break-up all the time, just because I may break-up with someone because of this doesn’t make it unfair to them. Essentially, she suggests the opposite of my commenters suggest, instead of exploring more kink, she thinks I should try to ignore it and explore vanilla. I’m not sure why, but her idea gives me a negative feeling, while the opposite does not.

She insists she sees nothing wrong with BDSM on its face, but she also thinks I should get therapy to fix this if I try more vanilla things and nothing works.

Online Dating and Law School

Haha, my mom mentioned online dating today. I told her I had nothing against online dating. In fact, I'd already done it. However, I do not have the time to date right now, maybe I'll consider it if next semester goes well. What I did not tell her was I feel I cannot date until I do a lot more soul searching. They know a little bit about my proclivities because when I was 13 I tried to meet men online and one of them introduced me to BDSM. As I mentioned in Masochism and Me, these thoughts have been in my head since before I can remember, but before that online chat, I did not know there was a name for people like me. Anyway, before handing my chat logs to detectives who investigate internet crimes against children, they read every word. As a result, they have known for years. Plus, when I was 16 I was caught on a Gor website. The only reason I was caught was because despite lying about my age (you were suppose to be 21), the only email address I owned was my school email address and some do-gooder admin took it upon themselves to email my school administration! Luckily, my high school was freaking amazing, but it was still embarrassing. My parents now knew it was more than a phase at age 13. *awkward* Also, they suspect I am bi or gay or something alternative. When I signed up for Pride at school they confronted me about it. They had these understanding looks in their eyes, as if all my issues (depression, eating disorder, etc.) made sense. I told them they were wrong. Pride was also PFLAG at my school.

I am not about to explain any of this to them. They might understand. When they found out about my continuing interest at 16, in an attempt to make me feel less awkward, one of them confided bondage fantasies. However, they're religious and stressed it was "okay if I wanted my husband to tie me up in bed..." In other words, sex before marriage was not okay. I don't know if it is possible to find my truth without surpassing oral sex. I know people engage in sexualized BDSM without literal sex, but I don't know if that is enough to explore this anew.

I think it is unfair to enter a relationship without deciding who I am first. At the same time, I do not believe in vaginal penetration without love. This presents an obvious problem. *sigh*

The point is I am not ready to date anyone right now, especially a potentially vanilla person.

These are problems for another day though...

I'm going to try...No, I'm going to study today. To that end, I'm going to log-off and
hopefullystay offline all day. I only have 5 days to study now; this is obviously my fault. Nonetheless, I am getting increasingly anxious.

I figured out there are 5 stages of procrastination. Perhaps if I get through this semester, I will explore their meaning and how to stop them like a Behavior Chain Analysis in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

One last thing: Darn it! I'm contributing to more stereotypes! For example, people who use online dating are crazy or weird or there is something wrong with them. :( Sorry universe! I swear there are normal, wonderful, kind, amazing people using online dating.

Apparently Terry Goodkind is inside my Mind

Say hello to my mind twin, Nicci, former agent of the Keeper (or as people irl call him, the Devil). Either Terry Goodkind dealt with depression and that  is how he is inside my mind, or there is some other factor I am not considering.

Legend of the Seeker:

http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or

Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen)

 “The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421
^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, YES, EXACTLY!!

“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287
Yes, that is what it is like.

“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212
I’ve had this exact thought. 

"Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289

“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342

“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398

It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did. Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.

I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering. 

Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch? 

I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe. 

Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….

*Updated December 4, 2013* Redemption through Service

Note: I originally posted this on December 2nd, 2013, but I realized I linked the wrong post. As a result, this post probably made little sense. Also, this sentiment would make more sense if I belonged to a religion that believed in salvation through good works. However, despite using words such as sin and redemption, I am not religious. Furthermore, I was not raised Catholic or any other religion that teaches salvation through good works.

You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, this title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”. “Nicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci’s emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.” http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Nicci

Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.

It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.” http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Fellowship_of_Order


:(

There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, “Oh my GOD, she thinks like I do.” I’m too lazy to go searching through all the books to find them at the moment.

I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?

This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.

This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people in Orwell's 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan, I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website, much less this website). While searching for a Doublethink quote, I found an interesting news piece. Apparently, sales of 1984 skyrocketed recently.

Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!

So many questions, no answers.

Masochism and Me

It isn't that I believe I am worthless. I believe I have worth. I believe I have potential. I do not believe I am a good person. Given that I have an innate drive to punish myself, can masochism be anything but self-destructive for me? Is my self-hate the driving force for my masochism? If it is the driving force, is that okay? Is it fair to my partner? If masochism is the only way I find pleasure in intimacy, where does this leave me? Why am I this way? Can I fix it? Does it need to be fixed? If self-hate is a driving force, but not the only reason I enjoy masochism, is it still okay to participate or will it always be unhealthy? Can it be healthy if I still hate myself? What are the reasons, other than self-hate, that I enjoy masochism? Was I born this way? Am I meant to be a sub? Is that the only way I can be happy in a relationship? If kinky relationships are the only romantic type that I like, and they are unhealthy for me, what do I do?

I don't have the answers to all these questions, but I intend to think about them.

One thing I know is that this is a part of me. The first masochistic fantasy I remember was at age 5! I did not know what it was called back then and there was no sexual component until puberty, but these thoughts have always been with me. Did I hate myself at age 5? I don't think so, but maybe I did. If I did not, that speaks in favor of masochism as not wholly involved with self-hate.

I feel kind of guilty talking about all this because I know there is a misconception that all kinsters are crazy. I don't want to feed in to that misconception, but I need to work through this.

Sometimes...

Not everyone deserves to live

 

This morning I tried to pin down why I am not worthy of life, why I have a higher threshold to meet in order to deserve life. The result is this internal conversation. It is not eloquent and it is probably confusing, but oh well. The point of this blog is sifting through the mess inside my mind.

I have friends who do not have Bachelor’s degrees and I think they are worthwhile human beings.

Why?

The first 3 who came to find are wives and mothers.

So, is their worth based on their status as either wives or mothers?

Although motherhood confers some worth, in my opinion, I would not think they were useless if they were childless and/or single.

If it is not school or motherhood, then what gives them worth?

They are good people that is why they have worth.

Are you saying I am a bad person?

Yes.

Why? Give me proof. Why are you a bad person? What is a bad person? If you are a bad person, how can you change that? If you can become a good person, does that make you worthy of life?

A good person is someone who helps others.

Okay, so is everyone other than missionaries or other people who dedicate their lives to helping others, a bad people?

No, that is unreasonable. We all have personal needs and wants; that is acceptable. Not everyone can be a missionary, but people should try not to harm others.

Then do you harm others?

Yes.

How?

I don’t know. I am selfish. I am rude; I ditch social things all the time.

Everyone does that. You believe those things make you deserve pain?

Well, no, not specifically those examples.

Then what?

No one is perfect; I know that. However, I have the ability to be more patient, kinder, etc., be better in every way. Since I am capable of being better, I need to try to be better. Not everyone has the same capacity for empathy or whatever, but short of extremes, all we can ask is for people to try not to harm others.

Alright, so do you try to harm others?

No.

Then why are you bad?

Because I don’t try hard enough to stop harm.

You still haven’t proven what harm you cause.

I can’t think of any atrocious harm I intended to cause. However, I have caused harm. I killed my brother.

You’re an idiot, you were a fetus, and there was obviously no intent.

That doesn’t matter; lack of intent does not equal lack of fault for example, a drunk driver killing another driver in a car accident. They may not have had intent, but they are nonetheless at fault.

So, does that drunk driver deserve to die?

No, but they deserve to be punished.

Why?

Because hurting others is bad.

Will punishment bring the victim back?

No, but they need to help the victim’s family in any way possible and they need to have consequences for their actions.

So, because you believe your presence in the womb made your twin weaker, contributing to his death, you deserve to die?

No. Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault in total. After all, he was the one whose water broke. However, he may have been a better person.

You don’t know that.

True, but I have reason to believe it.

Really?

Yes, I am defective. I am weak.

So, why not work on fixing yourself, instead of killing yourself?

You have a point. I should work to be the best I can because I am living for 2. Yet what do I do when my best is not good enough?

What is good enough?

I don’t know, worthwhile. As I said, either helping people, or other things like contributing to knowledge through scientific discovery, or trying my best to be good. At the same time, my best effort may not be enough.

Why? Best effort is individual.

True, but I need to make up for my sins. My best effort needs to be good enough, it needs to make a positive impact.

Why?! Because you were a twin? Because you sin?

Yes.

But everyone sins. What if you never knew about him? Also, what happens if your best effort is not good enough?

Yes everyone sins, but… I am just not good enough. I don’t know. If I never knew about him…I guess I would still have that metaphysical debt, but I would not be bad for ignoring it. I would not be held to the same standard because of ignorance. If my best is not good enough to counteract my badness, then I deserve to be punished.

If you were unaware of your twin, would you still deserve death?

Yes because there are uncountable other reasons.

In sum, for reasons you refuse to specify, you are inherently bad. People can counteract their badness by either doing their best to not harm others or contributing to knowledge. However, you bare best is not enough because you have a metaphysical debt. Therefore, you need to have a tangible positive impact in order to set the balance back the way it should be. What if you can’t make a positive impact?

Then I deserve to be punished.

Is that why you’re into BDSM? If so, is that moral? Is that healthy? Is that fair to your partner?

Don’t all people have inherent worth?

Yes, but at some point their actions can take away their inherent worth.

And your actions, before birth, took away your worth?

Yes.

What if I proved you were not at fault?

I would still be bad because I do not do my best to help people.

What about other people who do not do their utmost to help others? Do they deserve punishment?

No, not as long as they minimize harm to others.

Yet, even if you weren’t a twin, harm minimization would not be sufficient for you?

Correct.

Why?

I’m bad in other ways.

However you can’t give me concrete examples of how you are so bad that you deserve eternal torment?

Yes, because it is the sum of many smaller things that make an imperfect person.

So, in order to deserve anything you need to be perfect?

Yes, as perfect as possible.

Why?

I told you: to counteract the bad inside me!

I’m still waiting on proof that you are bad.

I am inside my mind. Only I know.

So, evil thoughts make you evil?

Not for everyone, but for me…it makes me feel guilty. I must be punished.

What are your evil thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know…I am lazy. I don’t give my full effort to school. I avoid social things. I break plans with people on no-notice or I make promises that I don’t keep.

That sounds human. Also, none of those are thoughts.

But I need to be more than human!

That doesn’t make sense. You can only be what you are, nothing more, nothing less.

I can rise above my base instincts. I am strong. Failure to be better than others is WORSE for me because I know I am capable of being good. It is kind of like, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Well, with great capacity for self-control or positive impacts, comes a higher expectation of results. The same results from two people do not necessarily equal the same effort. The worth comes from the effort.

Your proof of badness comes from a lack of results? Even though those results are like any other imperfect person?

Yes.

What makes you so damn special that you are held to impossible standards? Basically you’re saying you are better than everyone else; therefore, you are actually worse than everyone else when your actions are the same because it shows you are not trying?

Yes. I don’t know why I have higher standards. I do not think I am better than anyone else. I do not think I am morally superior

If you are not superior, why have a different standard?

Because I know I am capable of more. Who am I to judge anyone else’s capacity to help others or contribute to society? I cannot judge others, besides they all have free will. If they were not bad like me, they have no cosmic scale to balance out. I am not superior; I am not different. I am inside my mind. I know right from wrong. I know how to be better. Since I know those things, and chose to act in other ways, I am bad. I cannot read other people’s minds. Therefore, I do not know their thoughts. As a result, I cannot judge them.

Do you think most people could be better than they are?

Sure.

If most people could be better than they are, why are they not all bad like you?

Because I have to balance out my badness. I have a special obligation, not because I am better than anyone, but because I am worse. I need to tip the balance in the correct direction.

 

The Solution, Not the Problem

^ How law school makes me feel....

3 weeks. I have exactly 3 weeks until the end of the semester. I am paralyzed by fear because I'm a perfectionist. I'm extremely behind in reading and I don't really know what to expect out of law school.
This week is the last week of classes. I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due tomorrow. I also have a court observation report due on Tuesday. I haven't observed yet, oops! After Thanksgiving, I have until December 10th to cram a semester's worth of legal knowledge into my brain. My last exam is on the 13th. The work feels overwhelming. I'm desperately trying to remember to "Think of the solution, not the problem." - Richard Rahl (in Blood of the Fold, by Terry Goodkind)

I have no choice. Since I am a first semester 1L, I cannot medically withdraw this semester. If I want to be a lawyer, I must pass this semester. If I fail, no law school will accept me as a new student.

*edit* For the moment I can't figure out how to import the blog. So, these are copies of my wordpress posts. As a result, I now have exactly 2 weeks until the end of the semester.

One desperate act after another

I'm using this blog to write about my sexuality because I'm not at peace with it yet. However, since my sexuality may be linked to other facets of my personality and environment, I will also write about school and mental health.

The title: a quote from Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander. "Sometimes that's all life is: one desperate act after another." Stone of Tears, Chapter 22, page 259

It perfectly captures my feelings at the moment.