Visions of Torture Dancing in their Heads

The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.

The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.

The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…

After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.

The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.

“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”

Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.

As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.

There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.

I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,

“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”

Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.

The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.

The Remnants of Fear

I say I am not Christian; I don’t believe in God, but I still have many ideas stuck in my head. Despite hearing, “22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-34) as a child, like I said in my last post, I do not believe all women should be submissive. I identify as a submissive, but not because I am female.

However, I still have a lot of fear bottled up inside. I do not think my family or church intended to instill fear; I think they meant to give me hope of salvation, but all I see are paths to damnation. In some ways it works in my favor. For example, 1 of the 2 things that stopped me from attempting suicide since age 16 is a fear of Hell. I don’t think a just God would damn a broken human for his or her weakness, but I cannot be sure.

In other ways, the ideas I can’t seem to dislodge, despite my lack of belief in their religious tenants, are unhelpful. For example, I am technically a virgin. In other words, I have no experience with penile vaginal penetration. Why does this one act mean more to me than any other genital skin contact? Obviously there is a pregnancy fear, but birth control can easily take care of that. I also worry about STDs, but other sexual contact can transmit STDs.

In my mind there is something special about vaginal penetration. I can’t logically explain it, so I think it is a vestige of my upbringing. I feel a lot of guilt thinking about vaginal intercourse before marriage. I do not feel guilt about the other sex acts I’ve done. It is so frustrating! Clearly, I find alternatives stimulating. Yet, people hold it up at the Holy Grail of intimacy. So, maybe that is what I’m missing in vanilla intimate contact?

I hate how the very thought of an action can create guilt! It is absurd! It probably did not help matters when my mom told me she would disown me if I lived with someone before marriage...like my brother was at the time. He is still in the family, but she said she would be angrier at me because I am female and would be risking more.

I read this blog post and it made me feel a little better because it reminded me of Deej’s West Wing Clip about homosexuality and the Bible. Both arguments mention relying on some sections of the Old Testament to decry behavior, while selectively ignoring other sections (ex. human trafficking). The earlier conversation helped me accept part of my sexuality in a new way. Yet, I can’t seem to shake this fear. It is illogical, right?! If the statistics on the linked blog post are true and 9 out of 10 women in 1940 had premarital sex, certainly a just God would not damn each of those people. After all, I believe the Bible says somewhere that all sin is equal and we’re all sinners. Therefore, lying to my mom every day about restricting my food is no better than premarital sex.

But then…WHY DO I EVEN CARE what the Bible says if I don’t believe?!? I think I care because I afraid it is true. Yet, if it is all true, then there is forgiveness. So, why am I so fearful?

I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to regret losing my virginity. I don’t want to look back and feel sad on my wedding night that I can’t give my virginity to my partner.

Oddly, since coming to terms with bisexuality, I don’t get the same sense to guilt over female-female fisting. WTF brain?!?! That would break the precious piece of skin your worrying about to!!
 

Christian Domestic Discipline

Admittedly, my knowledge is limited. However, I don’t like the idea. Perhaps I should not care are the reasons behind a Dom/me’s motivation, but I do.

I do not believe anyone (…except myself…) is worse or better than anyone else. I do not believe women are less than men. I do not believe women should be subservient or men must be dominant. I believe there are differences between genders which may predispose someone to certain roles, for example, caregiving.

However, I do not think that means anyone is relegated to a certain position. Women do not have to be stay at home mothers, women do not even have to be mothers, and men can make great stay at home dads! I believe submission is right for me. I do not think it is right for all women, nor do I think it is wrong for a man to be submissive.

With this in mind, CDD bothers me because proponents teach that God gives men the right and obligation to discipline and guide his wife. I do not believe any deity gives someone the right to dominant me. I submit because it feels right to me, not because I think God or the universe or society demands it. If I chose, I can submit to a woman and that makes me no less human. In fact, I would rather submit to a woman who earned my trust and devotion than a man who did not.



The idea that God gives someone the right to punish their spouse on the basis of gender or any other reason bothers me. No one has the right to do anything to me; they earn the right to hurt me and teach me because they prove themselves intelligent, trustworthy and caring.

I feel hypocritical vetting someone else’s motives, when I am not so sure my masochistic/submissive motives are pure, but CDD does not sit well with me.

Do you have thoughts about Christian Domestic Discipline or any type of religion-sanctified gender role?

Odd Epiphany of the Day

Perhaps I like the idea of 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) because complete obedience reminds me of a pet and people tend to love their pets unconditionally. (Though, I don't like puppy or pony play it is too weird for me. Ha, don't worry, I know I have no room to talk about weird practices!)

Anyway, while watching Denna with almost-broken Richard, a strange thought occurred to me. She is kind, affectionate, caring, and sympathetic once he obeys. Of course, she calls him pet, but her actions also remind me of how people treat their pets. No one hates their pets. People love their pets because they never judge or talk back.

Does that mean I think in order for someone to love me I have to always obey them?




...Actually, that may very well be the origin of my extreme people-pleasing which extends beyond kink and into my everyday life.

Geez, the more I explore my thought processes behind my kinks, the more disturbing thoughts I uncover. Or maybe I'm over-thinking everything and I should just enjoy what I enjoy and let it be...

What do you think about this possible reason behind TPE? Do you think others are similarly motivated? Do you think this idea couldn't possibly be anyone's motivation for TPE?

BDSM Stigma or When family recommends sex therapy

Last night my mom was still harping about the online dating idea. She would not accept my excuses. Finally, I said I was not in a place to date. She wouldn’t let it go So, I told her I needed to figure out some things about myself. The first thing she asked was, “Are you gay?”

I said, “No.”

Her response? “Are you sure?” Hahaha. I did not mention is bi issue because I know she thinks non-heterosexual behavior is morally wrong. Sometimes she talks about how she is worried about my gay uncles’ souls (her brother and his partner).

However, she still wouldn’t give up, saying, “Now I’m worried.”

Since I give her plenty of other reasons to worry. I gave-in and said, “Do you remember the BDSM thing? …” Thankfully, I did not have to explain it to her. However, it was awkward. Her reaction hurt my feelings, but  it could have been a lot worse.

Last night I learned:

1. My mom does not think BDSM in inherently wrong.

Yay!

2. She associates sadism and masochism with antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopaths).

First, she questioned out loud whether I was a sociopath. She didn’t really consider it. After all, she has known me forever and knows, if anything, I have too much empathy. However the idea that she would even consider for a moment, that I lack empathy, along with all the other implications of anti-social personality disorder, because I identify as a masochist or submissive saddens me. If the woman with a PhD in clinical psychology, who has known me longer than anyone on Earth, associates BDSM with antisocial personality disorder and other stigma, so strongly that she reconsiders my personality make-up, how can I expect anyone to accept this? Granted, I don’t go around talking about this IRL. However, knowing there is a huge part of me that I can never reveal to others for fear of reprisal also makes me sad.
Also if she thinks so poorly of sadists, what can she possibly think of me?

3. She thinks masochism will kill me.

She told me a story of a man in our town who was convicted for something (obstruction of justice? involuntary manslaughter? I don’t know), after his wife died during breath play and he burned the house down to try to cover it up. I don’t know if this is the same couple my previous Dom warned me about. He never mentioned a fire to hide evidence. He said they were too afraid to go to the E.R. because of stigma and she died. It sounds like a different couple. Regardless, I don’t feel too bad for the guy, setting his house on fire was a stupid move that made him look guilty of murder. My mom associates sadomasochism with accidental death and sociopaths. She says sadism is a symptom of antisocial personality disorder and there are more “messed up” people in this community than in the general population. Therefore, she thinks either I will die in an accident, or I will meet up with a serial killer or abuser. I told her I am not an idiot I know to meet people in public places and tell someone who I am meeting and where. She replied, “Great, so we know where to start looking for your body. That is comforting.” Also, she seems to forget that I’m not exactly the picture of mental health. If I don’t want someone who is “messed up”, why would anyone want me?! As far as accidents, yes sadomasochism can be dangerous, but well-informed people can take precautions.

4. She doesn’t seem to understand that sadism does not equal masochism.

Damn you Freud! There are masochists without any sadistic tendencies.

5. She thinks it is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
I’m not sure about this. I did a few hours of research and it seems man masochists do not know of their proclivities until young adulthood. Where the hell did 5 year old me learn such things?! Since it began so young for me, I tend to think it is inborn. I asked why she thought it needed therapy, if she thought there was nothing wrong with it. She explained her fears about the difficulty of finding a kind, mentally healthy life partner.

Since she believes finding a good husband would be more difficult in the BDSM world and BDSM is prone to accidental death, she thinks if I can chose not to be another way, I should because BDSM invites trouble. She suggested vanilla dating and then more therapy if I find vanilla is not for me.

6. She believes I have an abnormally high pain threshold. Therefore, it makes sense to her that “normal” sensation may not appeal to me.

Yes, I agree.

7. She thinks I should date 24+ vanilla men and see if I am capable of non-kinky arousal.

She thinks I have not had a enough vanilla experience to know that I’m really not aroused by vanilla things. She is correct, most of my experience has been kinky. It still seems dishonest to get into a relationship purely to explore. She thinks I need to try becoming emotionally attached to vanilla dates and see if physical intimacy has a spark when I care about someone. I see her point here. Yet, it seems like a lot of work. She pointed out that people break-up all the time, just because I may break-up with someone because of this doesn’t make it unfair to them. Essentially, she suggests the opposite of my commenters suggest, instead of exploring more kink, she thinks I should try to ignore it and explore vanilla. I’m not sure why, but her idea gives me a negative feeling, while the opposite does not.

She insists she sees nothing wrong with BDSM on its face, but she also thinks I should get therapy to fix this if I try more vanilla things and nothing works.

Apparently Terry Goodkind is inside my Mind

Say hello to my mind twin, Nicci, former agent of the Keeper (or as people irl call him, the Devil). Either Terry Goodkind dealt with depression and that  is how he is inside my mind, or there is some other factor I am not considering.

Legend of the Seeker:

http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or

Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen)

 “The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421
^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, YES, EXACTLY!!

“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287
Yes, that is what it is like.

“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212
I’ve had this exact thought. 

"Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289

“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342

“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398

It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did. Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.

I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering. 

Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch? 

I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe. 

Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….

I'm insane because of Feminism

I FIGURED IT OUT! I was born in the wrong time period! I''m currently watching "Princess", the Legend of the Seeker episode where Cara/Tabrett Bethell must pretend to be a princess. There is an impromptu curtsy-off over who can bend the lowest. I thought to myself, "I'd already fail, cotillion and Maypole dancing failed to teach me a proper curtsy!" To check my spelling of cotillion I Googled it and ended up reading the wikipedia pages about it and Maypole dances. They're both old. Cotillion dates to the 1700s in France and May Day is ancient, but Maypole dances in the U.S. date back to 1628.

On one hand, as I stated, my curtsies are not pretty. On the other hand, I live in the U.S. in the 21st century, yet belong to a culture where cotillion, Maypole dances, and debutant balls still exist. Here, Maypole dances involve ribbons, pole, and teenage or pre-teen girls in white dresses.

Although no one ever told me women were less than or different, I grew up with clearly defined gender roles. For example, women work in the kitchen and men work the yard. Until, my sister-in-law came along, everyone silently obeyed the unspoken rules.

At the same time, outside society keeps pushing ideas down my throat like "having it all".

So, I have factions at war. On one side, I want a protector. On the other side, I want to be independent and self-sufficient. I grew up in a world that said, "the man takes your coat, stands up when you leave the table, leads you by the arm, etc", but I face a world that says "you must be the same to be equal."

I know equality does not have to equal sameness. I do not view myself as less than men or anyone else, other than the whole I-hate-myself-thing. Yet, I do not think division of labor has to equal a hierarchy.

What if, my uncertainties are because I'm trying to fit into the world at large, while still holding on to the world I grew up in? And somehow, that was twisted into bdsm? It might be a contributing factor. I do feel guilty for submissive tendencies because people keep saying woman are equal and therefore, should not submit.

I believe everyone should have the right to chose their own path. My feminism: Fighting for the right to chose any path, whether that means no kids and no partner, stay at home mom, or something in between. It is like that scene in Mona Lisa Smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ1xOOyENmw 
or

Note: In an effort to avoid a bunch of angry comments - I don't really blame feminism or my upbringing for my issues! My issues are so much more complicated than that. Also, Alice Paul is my hero! Yes, I like the right to vote, own property, etc. I'm just trying to explore my personal motives in life...

Control Issues

Re-watching Legend of the Seeker is so much more fun than studying for law school exams. It is fun to see little nods to Terry Goodkind's books and also see the differences in cannon.

It also kind of funny because as I watch each episode I remember it a little bit. I find myself thinking,  "YES, Confess someone already! Let's get on with it!" or "More Mord-Sith, yay! Start with the torture already!" Apparently I do have control issues.

Treatment teams across the years keep insisting EDs are about controlling something when one can't control other aspects of life. What if I'm just a control freak? If it is that simple, why do I want to give up control? Then again, perhaps I don't have any desire to give up control. While it is true I enjoy restraint and subservience, I always felt safe because I knew if I said a safe word the pain  would stop. Although to an outsider, it may appear I am a prisoner, in reality, I am the one in control. Granted, utilizing such control, unless I'm in physical danger, defeats the purpose of the dynamic and is rude. The point isn't that I should or do use control, but that I could if necessary. In that way, I am in control. Then again, if I'm with someone I have not vetted, a safe word is just an illusion. In restraints, someone could easily chose to ignore my safe word.

Or maybe I think too much about control and it is irrelevant. *head* -> *desk*

Clearly this is another facet that needs exploration. *sigh* So complicated.

Speaking of control, I have no self-control unless it involves starving or hurting myself. Apparently, that requires self-control. I don't know if this no-studying problem is version of self-sabotage or what... Actually, I'm fairly confident it has to do with fear of failure and if I procrastinate enough I can blame my failure on "depression". Yet at this point, I'm just shooting myself in the foot. UGH.

Is there worth in someone who has so little self-control? Why can I do "difficult" things for another or hurt myself, but I don't have the self-control to help myself?! I can control myself for someone else, but not for myself. I'm completely other-driven. That seems to imply some deep-seated, internal flaw.