BDSM: Maybe it IS about the Pain

I have a few different ideas about pain. Of course, not all pain is equal and circumstances matter a great deal, but that is another post.

This video contains fictional examples of some of my thoughts about pain. The clips are from V for Vendetta and Legend of the Seeker. If you’d rather not watch it, I’m also going to list them and explain the ideas in the post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rut1ONumlks 

 

1. Pain gives us pride. This is a large aspect for me. I am proud of the amount of pain I can endure. I look at bruises or other marks, lightly touching them to make my nerves dance, and smile because I see proof of my inner strength.

2. Pain makes us powerful. I feel pride because of this power. Withstanding pain makes me powerful because the more pain I willingly endure, the less anyone or anything can truly hurt me. I am powerful because blows glance off me.

3. Pain teaches us control. Biting back a scream, forcing my body to remain still as the whip mars my flesh, or resisting the urge the cry, enables self-control. Sometimes I may not be able to control my emotions, but this helps. It gives me a measure of control that few people can match without drugs. If I can master my body, I can master my emotions.

4. Pain makes us resilient. Withstanding brutal bodily assault means lesser hurts, physical and emotional, are like minor annoyances. Once you’ve been though hell, everything else seems inconsequential.

5. Pain clarifies what is important to us. Taking yourself to the edge brings clarity. What are you willing to endure torture for? An ideal, such as honesty? Your life? Someone else’s life? It may even give you a will to live. Pain shows us there is more to life; it opens our eyes. What are we willing to sacrifice? What means more than our life?

6. Pain takes away our fear. This is the same idea as resilience. Once you’ve shown the limits of your will, there is nothing more to fear in this life.

7. Pain reveals our true selves. It strips away the veneer, the masks we put on, the image we try to project… It takes us to our base self. It shows who we really are without the trappings we live with.

8. Pain bonds us. Pain not only bonds a couple engaging in S&M, it also bonds us to others. Pain creates a new depth of intimacy. The trust and faith required to submit wholly to another person is unparalleled. This is how masochism is sexual for me. Pain has all these functions, but this one is purely about connecting with your partner on a new level. I am capable of strong, loving emotional connections, but pain brings something new to the equation. Yet, it also deepens our empathy towards everyone because pain is something all people experience.

9. Pain is transformative. Through all these ways, pain transforms our being. Once we have this knowledge of ourselves, once we are purified through the fire, we emerge as new people.

But if pain transforms than why would someone need more than one intense scene in their life?

Because we can always become stronger, more self-controlled, more powerful, more centered. Furthermore, pain has value in the moment.

10. Pain overwhelms the brain and blissfully obliterates emotion. Sad? Angry? Hurt? Lonely? You don’t have to be. Maybe it isn’t the healthiest way to deal with emotion, but it works. I don’t have to feel. I don’t have to scream at someone in anger. All I have to do is get rid of the emotion with another sensation. That is why I self-injure. It has nothing to do with sex. I’m not saying anger does not have a place. All emotions have a time and a place; confrontation is sometimes necessary to. You have to be able to express your needs within any relationship. Needs and wants and emotional reactions are normal. It is good to be able to talk about your feelings. Otherwise you can’t have a relationship because relationships, even D/s relationships, are two-sided. A sub or slave is not a doormat, he or she has wants, needs, and feelings just like any other human being. However, some people, submissive or masochistic or none of the above, have emotional reactions  that they know are disproportionate or irrational. Sometimes those emotions have nothing to do with a legitimate want or need, they just spring up and engulf someone. In those cases, when there is no need that must be met or underlying root, and the emotion causes so much turmoil that it threatens to overwhelm the person, using pain to slay the beast makes perfect sense.

11. Pain sates the darkness. As Goodkind eloquently put it,

“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421 of Faith of the Fallen

Clearly, self-hate reigns here. This aspect is probably the most dangerous and unhealthy part. However, as long as the self-hate exists, it is safer to satisfy the demon within through pain from someone else’s hand than one’s own. Otherwise, the feelings of self-loathing may become overwhelming and awful things like suicidal ideation can result. Obviously, you have to pick a partner who cares about your wellbeing more than you do. If you chose a sociopath, you may be no safer than in your own hands. For me, submission fulfills this to. Serving someone else give me a purpose. Subjugation feels like something I deserve. It feels right and proper. Just like pain, submission has many other facets like showing love. However, that is for another post.

Hmm…perhaps this post was wrong or perhaps they are both right and it is not either/or.

Now is the Time to PANIC!

Fraking nervous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to check my exam software though, hence I am online. I decided not to use it. I ran into a really sweet janitor. She said, "Good luck!" I said, "Thanks! I'll need it!"
She replied, "Come here sweetie." and she gave me a hug. :) Then she said, "It will be okay! You have to be positive." I replied, "I'll try." Anyway, she was kind! I've run into her before. Once I was waiting outside a professor's office and she was cleaning near me. I asked if she needed me to move so she could get to my spot. Apparently, it is unnecessary to get out of the way for janitors in this building. So, maybe she recognized me. I doubt it because that was a month ago. She said I was "dragging". Haha, I don't feel too tired! I know I got less than 6 hours of sleep because I couldn't sleep. At least, I didn't try to read The Sword of Truth. I was extremely good and only read 2 short chapters before trying to sleep, then I tossed and turned all night. Right now, I am nervous, but not extremely anxious because I don't expect to do well. I'll try my best with what I have, but at this point...what will be, will be! Plus, everyone in my family, other than  my dad, assures me I'm still loved, no matter what. I'll deal with the self-concept fallout later. Right now, I'm going to focus on cramming for an hour.

Green-eyed Law Students: Interviews, Self-esteem and Hope

Every time someone in the Sword of Truth mentions Kahlan’s green eyes, I feel a swell of pride and confidence. It makes me feel pretty!

“The intelligence, the nobility, the life in those green eyes was riveting. This was a woman the equal of Richard” Nicci (aka my mind twin!) spellbound by Kahlan’s green eyes in Confessor, by Terry Goodkind.

I know that is silly, but I think it is because I usually find blue eyes the prettiest. Plus, authors often focus on the beauty of blue eyes. It seems most characters have blue or brown eyes. Therefore, Terry Goodkind focusing on the image of her green eyes makes me feel good. In fact, my iris color is one of the only aspects I like about myself physically.

Bridget Regan’s Fricking Gorgeous BLUE eyes:

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/338614465704430659/

My Green eyes:


While searching for a good book quote about Kahlan’s eyes I came across an interview with Bridget Regan. I’m falling in love. ;) which reminds me, there used to be a fandom trend called Gay for Kahlan. The author hasn’t posted on that website in a while, but she is still active on Twitter and Tumblr!

Anyway, the interview from http://www.sword-of-truth.com/?page=24 via The TV Chick. The questions are quotes to, I’m just too lazy to correctly use ‘ and ” throughout.

What originally attracted you to the show?

“Well, it was the role. The character of Kahlan was not like any part I had ever auditioned for or played. So, I was immediately drawn to it. I thought that she was really tough and kind of timeless, epic and theatrical which I really was drawn to. I went to a drama school and I grew up doing theater, so I quite liked that the show was kind of heightened and it wasn’t the sort of low energy, common chit-chat show, it was big and epic and exciting and high stakes and all that which I loved.”

This is why I love epic fantasies like Legend of the Seeker/ The Sword of Truth, Lord of the Rings, and The Wheel of Time; the scale is grand and everything is high stakes!

Are you a fan of fantasy?

“I wasn’t at all, actually. (laughs) It was pretty embarrassing when I moved to New Zealand, because the fact that I hadn’t seen Lord Of The Rings, I thought that they were going to turn me around and not let me into the country. But, once I got into [it], I really enjoyed it. The fans are really passionate, and have really strong opinions about things, which I like. You know, we had a fan base before we even started filming the show, which was so cool and bizarre. People had thoughts and feelings about what color my hair should be and my eyes and that was totally new to me.”

Yes, yes we are all a bit cult-ish and kind of amazing, aren’t we? :p In case you can’t tell, I love my geekiness.

Have you read the books or met the author?

“I have not met Terry Goodkind. You know, my parents have because they went to Comic Con in San Diego. That’s where I grew up. I’ve read some of the books. I haven’t gotten through all of them, but I’ve been skipping around. The series isn’t really following the books perfectly, and so you know, I find them really helpful. But sometimes I find it frustrating, because I’ll read something and I’ll be like ugh I really wish we would do this in the show. Or there’s an episode coming up — the one I’m going back to film right after I leave the states — is totally an escape from the book and nothing like that’s happened in it, and I’m so excited to do it because Kahlan gets split into two different bodies…almost like a yin and a yang sort of thing. One of her is the confessor in her, you know, [is] magical, has the powers and everything. And the other is just a woman. And without having both of them in check, things kind of go crazy and it’s such a cool episode for me, and I’m so excited to do it, but it’s not in the book, so you know I’m kind of thankful that we do stray because we get so many cool other opportunities.”

Haha, her parents went to Comic Con! How awesome is that? Plus, I’m jealous of them; I want to meet him!! I love that she read the books. I agree there are some things from the books I wish happened in the TV show (and vice versa!). For example, Cara’s trial from the TV show was neat. Also, the episode she talks about is amazing! (Torn, Season 2, Episode 11)

You were saying before how Kahlan is such a tough character. What does it mean to do you to play her? Do you think it sends a powerful message to women?

“I actually do. This season even more than last, because this season, we introduce a lot of other characters as well. It’s not just me, there are a lot of really kick-butt chicks. The light, the dark and all the mord-siths and everything. But I have a hard time playing the weak ingenue. I wouldn’t get cast as that when I first moved to the city. And I don’t even know, maybe it was because I’m pretty tall and I’m not a tiny little thing. And I thought maybe that had something to do with it. I love it when Kahlan gets to be really strong. I had a dream actually — it’s funny — I haven’t told this to anybody. I had this dream where we were doing a scene and it was a massive, big, war/fight scene. And we were fighting — Kahlan and Richard were fighting all these mord-siths, and we had these resistance fighters who were these scrappy guys. And I was all upset because they cast all these big massive guys to be the D’Harans and all these kind of small, hungry looking guys who were all weak and disheveled to be the resistance guys. None of this really happened in real life, but I dreamt it. So we’re fighting all the mord-siths, and the choreography was that we were supposed to lose. And I was supposed to get beaten, and we were supposed to get captured. And I changed the choreography, confessing all these mord-siths, making them fight with us so that we would win. (laughs) So I was refusing to lose.”

Hmm, this explains why I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than Kahlan in the books. That said, I’m re-reading the books and I think I need to give her more credit. As I re-read the books, I realize she is strong. I may be biased because I saw Legend of the Seeker before reading the books, but Bridget Regan is exactly how I imagine Kahlan. I used to think Bridget’s version was tougher, but now I think she exemplifies Goodkind’s Kahlan perfectly. She brings a spark to the character. I think it is her acting ability and the power of visual media, not a difference in the character’s strength. In other words, bringing the character to life onscreen made her strength more clear; it was not a change in portrayal. Terry Goodkind’s Kahlan is just as strong.

Well, maybe we will see it in a future episode!

“I know! I actually told one of our directors, and he laughed at me. Because in the dream I was looking over to him being like “look see, I got her, she’s on our side now!” Because once I confess someone, then they immediately change, and they’ll do anything to defend my life. So I was totally cheating.”

Ahahahahahahahaha. For someone who isn’t into fantasy, I love how she got so into the character, even dreaming about the plot.

Is there anything specific you do to get into character or does it just sort of happen when you put on the costume and makeup?

“It’s amazing. I’ve never played a character this long before. But when I put on the dress and the corset, I immediately feel different. It’s not like throwing on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Everything about the costumes are really authentic. There’s no zippers, or buttons or hooks or anything. So to get in that dress it takes twenty minutes of just lacing. And it’s kind of like a ritual in the morning. And that helps. I often go back and read Wizard’s First Rule. I have it in my trailer, my old beat up copy. I have little parts marked. And I really love the sections when it’s in — because the book changes narrative — sometimes it’s in Richard’s head, sometimes it’s in Kahlan’s. I love it when it goes into hers, because it’s like a little cheat sheet, you get to get some ideas. So those sort of things. I listen to a lot of music as well. I have a lot of playlists on my iPod that I bring on set to get me in the mood.”

Yes, her costumes are wonderful! They are intricate and great! Her white Mother Confessor’s dress was the first cosplay I considered! It is cool how simply taking the time to get into costume helps put her in character. It kind of reminds me of wearing a collar. Of course, collars can be practical as a restraint, but mostly I enjoy them because they set the mood. They remind me of my place; they’re like big strong arms, enveloping me in a secure, comforting hug. …around my neck :p I love how she took cues from the book sections in Kahlan’s point of view.

What’s your favorite song that you listen to?

“Oh my God. I really want to do an iTunes playlist! I talked to some people about that. You know it’s actually kind of dark, sad music. It’s a lot of Radiohead, and some White Stripes, too. I like the kind of aggressive, kick ass…sometimes you need that empowering sort of stuff. You know, Kahlan went through a lot of stuff last season…really, really heavy things. And so it was a lot of sad music.”

Oh my God!!! She listens to Radiohead!!!!!

Well, that makes sense. And what has been your favorite part of filming so far?

“I think — I have to say, it’s really simple. But I love acting every day. It’s so simple, but that’s always what I dreamed of doing, was being an actor, since I was a little kid. And the fact that I get to wake up every morning, and do that, when I have so many friends that are really talented and are living here in New York and in LA and they can’t seem to get that break where they get to do it, so I mean that’s a joy. And playing a part that I love as much as I do is pretty cool — pretty awesome.”

I don’t know her friends, but maybe she got her break because she is better, in other words, freaking epic!

And you were talking about last season being pretty serious. But have there been any funny moments on set?

“Oh my God, there’s lots. I actually was talking about this with Craig just a little while ago. We always want to cut up and play jokes and things like that, but we’re so pressed for time. Because we’re trying to do feature film quality special effects, on a really fast television turnaround schedule. So constantly I want to make him break and do something silly, but we feel like we have to reign it in. But a lot of the girls in wardrobe love to play pranks on Bruce Spence, and I sometimes try to get in on them. But one day, they were all waiting in Bruce’s trailer, wearing pajamas, watching “Dirty Dancing” and eating popcorn. (laughs) And he walked in and thought he was in the wrong room.”

Haha, this is hilarious! They sound like a fun, tight-knit group. I wish LotS could have reigned for years. I MISS IT!! I have an idea though, if someone amazing network decided to bring it back, they could open with an episode like Home (Season 1, Episode 12) where Richard is tangled in a spell cast by Darken Rhal and he reveals parts of their journey so far, almost including a big secret: The location of the last Box of Orden. Clearly, I would want them to employ Bridget Regan Craig Horner, Tabrett Bethell, and Bruce Spence!

Do all of the cast hang out during your downtime?

“We do. It’s actually such a small town, even if I’m not planning to see Craig [Horner], I run into him all the time. Because we live really, really close to each other. But we do hang out. We get brunches here and there. Bruce and I go to see plays when they come into town. We went and saw this Italian play together with our significant others. We hang out, we do. We have a great time together. It’s like we work really hard, and the crew is really terrific. And honestly all of my friends down at that end of the world are friends from work. The girl that was my dresser, she finally took her maternity leave, and she’s having her baby I think right now. I just got an e-mail that she was in contractions. They’re all my dearest friends down there, all people from work, and they’re gorgeous people who have a real down-to-earth outdoorsy sort of feel to them. They all like to rough it, because we do, we schlep up these mountains to work and they all are really good sports.”

Adorable! I wonder if she is still in contact with any of the cast or crew. I hope so! It would be sad to make such connections and then lose them because the show got cancelled. I suppose that would be no different than going away to college and inevitably losing closeness to high school friends, but it is still sad. I love that they’re really outdoorsy people! I think it is interesting that a lot of geeky people love camping and hiking. *raises hand* I don’t know why, but I noticed a trend. Perhaps it is because our epic fantasies are set in such gorgeous surroundings that we’re pulled from our gaming systems and out into the real world.

You were saying how there has been fan reaction to the show since before it started shooting. What has been the fan reaction to your character and the show? How was your reception at Comic Con?

“Oh, I didn’t go to Comic Con. I did Armageddon, in Auckland, which is kind of like their version of Comic Con. But every time I come home, there’s just all this beautiful letters from fans and things like that. The best compliment that I get is when people say to me ‘You’re how I envisioned Kahlan,’ or ‘How you played her is just how like how I pictured her,’ things like that is just like wow. That’s amazing to me, because for one person to read something and another person, and then my interpretation — for me to bring it to life, that’s really bizarre and has kind of a cosmic-y, spooky kind of feel, because in your mind — when you read something, you get your own picture. And for someone to write to me and go ‘now when I read the books I picture you,’ it’s like wow, that’s so cool.”

That is what I said!!

And can you give a little teaser, without spoiling too much of what’s coming up in season two?

“Hmm…well honestly I don’t really know too much further than a few episodes ahead of us. Because Ken Biller, he keeps a lot of it under wraps, he won’t let us know all the time. I think he changes it often, because I think he’s just got so many ideas. We do have a lot — we’ve had so many good guests from the states, like we have Charisma Carpenter in the first episode, and then we have Jolene Blaylock coming up from “Star Trek,” Amy Teegarden from “Friday Night Lights,” Gabriel Mann from “Mad Men.” I mean, some really great talent has come down to have a little play with us. But, it’s going crazy. I will tell you that on Tuesday, when I go back to work, I have a love scene, a sex scene, and I’m nervous…another one! This season’s been really racy, I can’t believe it, it’s really sexy and cool. I think it’s also Tabrett — because Tabrett’s new, she has some really hot, steamy scenes.”

Season 1 was great, season 2 was amazingly wonderful and spectacular! Cordelia Chase was a bonus!  Lol, there were hot steamy scenes in abundance!

And I’m sure it’s too early to know, but has there been any word on a possible season three?

“Everybody talks about it. It’s so funny, the second you finally hear you’re doing two, it’s like is there going to be three? I don’t know. The show has been sold in something like 130 some countries, so we’re doing pretty well in terms of interest all around the world, which I can imagine is quite a good sign of the studio wanting to continue. I don’t know, I think it’s just a matter of people tuning in. I know that it is hard for us, because I think a lot of our air times are up against a lot of sports and things like that. And I know a lot of people watch our show on Hulu and iTunes, and things like that, which don’t really count for our ratings on TV. I mean, I don’t really understand all this stuff that much but I do know there’s a lot of factors that go into it, other than us just having a good time. But I kind of hope we go to a third. I’m really enjoying my life down there, but you know it’s one of those things where sometimes it seems like it’s going by really slow, and then you go Oh my God, we’re halfway through the season, where’d this year go? Then it goes by really fast.”






COME BACK TO ME! Alas, all I can realistically hold my breath for is Terry Goodkind’s newest Richard and Kahlan book.

I know you were saying you weren’t really a fan: of fantasy before you started this project. So what would you tell viewers who might not watch a lot of fantasy — why should they tune into this 
show?

“Well what drew me to it was, I guess you could say, the romance: the relationship of Richard and Kahlan. I mean, to me it’s like Romeo and Juliet. It’s the sort of forbidden love thing. And I really think that’s part of the show, more than sort of magic and wizards and things like that. Maybe to some people it could be distracting, but I really find it to be kind of like, just an escapism sort of thing, where you get to go home, and forget about your day, and just kind of go into this other world — literally. It’s not reality.”

Aw, yes, Kahlan and Richard (and Cara ;P) forever! I love the dynamic between Richard and Kahlan. She is a strong, knowledgeable, opinionated woman, but she is clearly submissive to Richard. The problem is in real life, I need someone I could trust! I don’t have the Seeker of Truth!!! I think Fantasy is the best escapism genre. It is like taking a vacation without leaving home. I like magic; I’ve always had a fascination with the occult. In 8th grade I printed out over 300 pages of spells from the internet and created my own Book of Shadows, it “mysteriously” disappeared one day. However, often authors use it as a catalyst for heroism.

What other projects do you have coming up?

“I did a film in between the two seasons called The Best and The Brightest, and it’s with Neil Patrick Harris, and Amy Sedaris and Christopher McDonald, and Bonnie Somerville. It’s a really fun, great movie. I’m actually going to do ADR for it this afternoon, and I haven’t seen it yet so I’m really excited. That will be coming out sometime in 2010.”

After catching Legend of the Seeker, post-syndication sadly (not that my one view would make a cancellation difference), on Netflix, I looked for other things Bridget Regan was in. I saw The Best and The Brightest. It is hilarious! She is currently in White collar on USA. I’m going to check it out (after exams!) purely because she is in it.

What’s it like filming in New Zealand?

“Every scene that we do that’s outside, it’s all on location all over Auckland, and we’ve gone to the South Island a few times to shoot there as well. It’s really remarkable. It can be energizing as well, you know on a Wednesday in the middle of the week when you’re really tired. And I go to work in the dark usually, around four thirty. And then I come out of the makeup bus, with all the makeup on and everything, and there’s the most insane sunrise you’ve ever seen. And it’s pretty beautiful. I notice the air being so different, as soon I got off the plane in Los Angeles. I take one breath in, and I’m like wow, that did not smell nearly as fresh as it does down at that end of the world. But it’s remarkably beautiful.”

O.O The air smells fresh! It sounds divine. The scenery is spectacular, just like in Lord of the Rings. New Zealand is one of the top 3 countries I want to visit before I die.

I did not intend to quote the entire interview! Well, technically, I did not quote the whole thing. I left out one or two questions.




Even though I have 0 views today and so I should probably post twice, I’m off to study. I hope, for the whole day. :/ Thanks to my abysmal procrastination, to review all my lecture recordings, I’ll have to study at least 12 hours per day until Tuesday! Somehow I doubt that will occur. There is still hope. It is only 11:30 am. Twelve hours only puts me at 11:30 pm. However, it is the weekend; as a result, my mom will expect me to eat lunch and dinner. Boo weekends! BOO food! I know I need glucose and protein to adequately study, but it just takes time. I still have some Ensure, but somehow I doubt my mom will accept it as a meal replacement. Plus, by the time I publish this it will be well past 11:30 am because I have to go search for a proper picture. Case in point: it is now 1 pm! I got sidetracked looking up peer-reviewed scientific journal articles the efficacy of Apple Cider Vinegar.

Despite this stress, I am in a good mood so far. I’m not sure why. I took the medication I’ve been skipping for weeks last night. Also, I took all my meds this morning. I accidentally forgot them the other day. Furthermore, I got 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to my usual insomniac 5 hours. Also, I showered, yay Activities of Daily Living! When I’m anxious or my depression is bad or I’m just busy, they suffer. All these things could contribute. Or who knows, maybe I’m happy because I know no matter the outcome, the first (maybe only) semester of 1L hell will be over!

That reminds me, I had a dream I worked at Wal-Mart again. Geez, you know things are bad when you fondly dream of working at an entry-level job at Wal-Mart!

Preposterously Manly Fantasy Series!

http://io9.com/5977682/11-preposterously-manly-fantasy-series

I wonder if it says something about me that my 3 favorite fantasy book series are on a list of 11 “preposterously manly fantasies”?

“What makes a book series manly? Is it the action? The violence? The lack of female characters? Is it male wish-fulfillment? Misogyny? Or a combination of all these things?

I don’t know the answer for sure, but I do know that these 11 fantasy series are all in their own unique way, very, very manly. This is not necessarily a good thing… but neither is it necessarily bad. Just grab your axe and your favorite loin cloth while we journey to the manliest realms fantasy fiction has to offer.”

Since most of my fantasy writing is similar, does that mean I write in a manly fashion? Or does it mean I give men more power or time than women? I don’t know what writing in a manly way really means. I don’t believe I give men more power or story time than women. Even though, I enjoy submission in my personal life, I do not admire or like weak women. Submission does not equal powerless or weak. Furthermore, while some of my conceptions about gender roles may be considered archaic, I do not believe it is a woman’s place to submit to her husband. It is my place to submit to my partner. I do not believe a woman is obligated to submit either because of her nature or because any deity said she must. I think anyone, male or female, should have the right to submit to their partner.

Besides, unless I’m purposefully writing erotica, I don’t think any of that enters my writing. What else could it mean?

3^rd on its list, the article says, “…wizard makes Richard Cypher a Seeker of Truth, he gets a Sword of Truth, he fights the evil tyrant Darken Rahl, who [spoiler] ends up being Richard’s dad. And then he fights some other folk. Along the way he falls in love with Kahlen, who isn’t awful or evil, but does end up a damsel in distress approximately 18 bazillion times over the course of the series. It’s traditionally manly!” about the Sword of Truth.

True… I decided I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than the book’s portrayal. In the books, she gets upset too often. Granted, I’ve never been in love and I’ve never faced the adversities she faced, but compared to every other book character (who faced similar events!) she seems emotionally weak. She is strong in some ways, she is the ruler of multiple nations and when she puts her mind to something, she is unrelenting. In LotS she seems more well-rounded.

Talking about the Wheel of Time, “The women have just as much power and political agency as the men – perhaps moreso, since women rule most of the main kingdoms, cultures and magical societies in the series. Unfortunately, this means while the women are constantly screwing around with politics, the men are the ones generally busy saving the world. This would be less grievous if the women in The Wheel of Time weren’t generally only bearable when they’re sleeping with the male characters. The rest of the time they’re scheming on a macro level or tormenting men with insults and general bitchiness on the micro, so that the male characters spend most of their time thinking about how awful women are, if not being outright befuddled by their insanity. Oh, and the main character, Rand Al’Thor, gets to have sex with three separate women, all of whom are just totally okay with sharing him. Aggravatingly manly!”

Hahaha, I never noticed anyone being unbearable. I did not see scheming as unbearable; I saw it as intelligent. Also, in part, politics drives countries’ decisions. Therefore, the women are orchestrating how the men must act. For example, if all the Wise Ones decided to stay in the Waste, Rand would never have a chance to command the clans.

Speaking about Lord of the Rings it says, “You could drop all the female characters from the books and lose probably less than 50 pages. In fact, there are only three female characters of note: 1) Arwen, who is Aragorn’s mostly off-page love interest, 2) Galadriel, who is the mightiest of all the Elves (according to Tolkien) but who really doesn’t do anything other than giving each member of the Fellowship a pep talk and lembas bread, and 3) Eowyn, who actually does kick some Nazgul ass, although she has to disguise herself as a man to get the opportunity. There’s a reason Peter Jackson increased the roles of all three female characters in the movies. And that reason? An overabundance of manliness!”

*nods* I have no rebuttal here. Eowyn is the best of the three!

Apparently Terry Goodkind is inside my Mind

Say hello to my mind twin, Nicci, former agent of the Keeper (or as people irl call him, the Devil). Either Terry Goodkind dealt with depression and that  is how he is inside my mind, or there is some other factor I am not considering.

Legend of the Seeker:

http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or

Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen)

 “The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421
^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, YES, EXACTLY!!

“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287
Yes, that is what it is like.

“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212
I’ve had this exact thought. 

"Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289

“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342

“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398

It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did. Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.

I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering. 

Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch? 

I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe. 

Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….

I'm insane because of Feminism

I FIGURED IT OUT! I was born in the wrong time period! I''m currently watching "Princess", the Legend of the Seeker episode where Cara/Tabrett Bethell must pretend to be a princess. There is an impromptu curtsy-off over who can bend the lowest. I thought to myself, "I'd already fail, cotillion and Maypole dancing failed to teach me a proper curtsy!" To check my spelling of cotillion I Googled it and ended up reading the wikipedia pages about it and Maypole dances. They're both old. Cotillion dates to the 1700s in France and May Day is ancient, but Maypole dances in the U.S. date back to 1628.

On one hand, as I stated, my curtsies are not pretty. On the other hand, I live in the U.S. in the 21st century, yet belong to a culture where cotillion, Maypole dances, and debutant balls still exist. Here, Maypole dances involve ribbons, pole, and teenage or pre-teen girls in white dresses.

Although no one ever told me women were less than or different, I grew up with clearly defined gender roles. For example, women work in the kitchen and men work the yard. Until, my sister-in-law came along, everyone silently obeyed the unspoken rules.

At the same time, outside society keeps pushing ideas down my throat like "having it all".

So, I have factions at war. On one side, I want a protector. On the other side, I want to be independent and self-sufficient. I grew up in a world that said, "the man takes your coat, stands up when you leave the table, leads you by the arm, etc", but I face a world that says "you must be the same to be equal."

I know equality does not have to equal sameness. I do not view myself as less than men or anyone else, other than the whole I-hate-myself-thing. Yet, I do not think division of labor has to equal a hierarchy.

What if, my uncertainties are because I'm trying to fit into the world at large, while still holding on to the world I grew up in? And somehow, that was twisted into bdsm? It might be a contributing factor. I do feel guilty for submissive tendencies because people keep saying woman are equal and therefore, should not submit.

I believe everyone should have the right to chose their own path. My feminism: Fighting for the right to chose any path, whether that means no kids and no partner, stay at home mom, or something in between. It is like that scene in Mona Lisa Smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ1xOOyENmw 
or

Note: In an effort to avoid a bunch of angry comments - I don't really blame feminism or my upbringing for my issues! My issues are so much more complicated than that. Also, Alice Paul is my hero! Yes, I like the right to vote, own property, etc. I'm just trying to explore my personal motives in life...

Control Issues

Re-watching Legend of the Seeker is so much more fun than studying for law school exams. It is fun to see little nods to Terry Goodkind's books and also see the differences in cannon.

It also kind of funny because as I watch each episode I remember it a little bit. I find myself thinking,  "YES, Confess someone already! Let's get on with it!" or "More Mord-Sith, yay! Start with the torture already!" Apparently I do have control issues.

Treatment teams across the years keep insisting EDs are about controlling something when one can't control other aspects of life. What if I'm just a control freak? If it is that simple, why do I want to give up control? Then again, perhaps I don't have any desire to give up control. While it is true I enjoy restraint and subservience, I always felt safe because I knew if I said a safe word the pain  would stop. Although to an outsider, it may appear I am a prisoner, in reality, I am the one in control. Granted, utilizing such control, unless I'm in physical danger, defeats the purpose of the dynamic and is rude. The point isn't that I should or do use control, but that I could if necessary. In that way, I am in control. Then again, if I'm with someone I have not vetted, a safe word is just an illusion. In restraints, someone could easily chose to ignore my safe word.

Or maybe I think too much about control and it is irrelevant. *head* -> *desk*

Clearly this is another facet that needs exploration. *sigh* So complicated.

Speaking of control, I have no self-control unless it involves starving or hurting myself. Apparently, that requires self-control. I don't know if this no-studying problem is version of self-sabotage or what... Actually, I'm fairly confident it has to do with fear of failure and if I procrastinate enough I can blame my failure on "depression". Yet at this point, I'm just shooting myself in the foot. UGH.

Is there worth in someone who has so little self-control? Why can I do "difficult" things for another or hurt myself, but I don't have the self-control to help myself?! I can control myself for someone else, but not for myself. I'm completely other-driven. That seems to imply some deep-seated, internal flaw.

Mord-Sith Wisdom

It is tough to find active blogs revolving around Legend of the Seeker (or many of my off-air fandoms). This one is still posting and it is wonderful! http://mordsithwisdom.tumblr.com/

This is their most recent post: ;) Look familiar? This is Cara, a different character, but their outfits are similar, they're both being tortured, and they both have blonde hair.

Actions betray lies

"Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie." The Wizard's 5th Rule from Soul of the Fire, Chapter 28, page 205.

To make sure I was not misleading anyone, I looked up IQ percentiles. I was right. However, it made me think of something a therapist once told me. I don't remember specifically what I was saying to her, but I told her I was not good enough because of some action. She asked if I would think my friends were bad people for doing the same thing I did. I did not think they would be bad people for doing the same thing I did. Yet, I condemned myself for whatever action. She said, "You can't hold yourself to stricter standards than you hold the rest of the world. You don't get to make up rules for yourself."

Since then I repeat the idea to myself when I know I am being too hard on myself. However, my previous post made me reconsider. Why shouldn't I be held to a higher standard than most people? Yes, people may work hard at Wal-Mart. Someone is no lazy because they work at an entry level job. However, for me, with my IQ and educational opportunities, it is lazy to work at a non-skilled job. I can say I am not lazy until I am blue in the face, but if all I do is work at Wal-Mart forever, my actions betray a lie. Perhaps I am correct to expect more from myself than from people around me.

There is still a disconnect though. Imagining this scenario, I do not conceptualize someone with the same IQ and educational opportunities as lazy simply because of their job. At the same time, I specify person X as me and I see the person as lazy and bad. Therefore, the standards I hold myself to are not based on my IQ and background.

What are those standards based on? I don't know. They are internal. I find it ironic that I hate myself in almost all respects, yet I expect my thoughts and actions to be better than other people's thoughts and actions. If I am worthless, why should anyone expect outstanding results from me?

Are my personal standards too high? I know some of them are too high. It is unreasonable to expect perfection at all times, in everything. After all, no human is perfect. That is impossible. Others....I am not sure.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking and start DOING. I can think all I want after exams. Right now my brain power needs to be devoted to school, not thinking of all my shortcomings. I am awful at dwelling on problems. I ruminate over how bad I am and fail to look at the solution. Perhaps I need to tattoo that quote to my arm. Or since  my main emotion is overwhelming anxiety, maybe ""When you are out numbered, and the situation is hopeless, you have no option--you must attack"  (From The Adventures of Bonnie Day in Stone of Tears, Chapter 49, page 511) is more apt.

We all can be only what we are

Ugh! I barely did any work yesterday. I skimmed over the reading for one of Monday's classes. Granted, I rarely even do that. However, in order to pull this miracle off, I need to do much more than that paltry amount of studying.

The paper worth 40% of my grade is due at midnight. I have a sad, pathetic draft. Last time I had the worst grade in the class on the paper because I didn't start it until the day it was due. I knew the work I was turning in was sub-par. I knew it was awful! However, I underestimated my classmates because I have a $40,000 merit scholarship and my LSAT score was above the 75 percentile for my school. I'm not used to having to work for grades. I made it to Psi Chi without working hard and I maintained my academic scholarship all 4 years undergrad.

God, I know I sound extremely arrogant. How can I complain about not having to work hard for grades and getting a bad grade because I underestimated my peers? I knew my classmates were smart, but despite my self-loathing and insisting I am "stupid", I'm not used to being compared to people as smart as me. I went to academically excelled schools throughout my education, but still...by virtue of the bell curve, 90% of the people I meet are not as smart as me. I know you can't tell from my word choice and grammar. :p Therefore, I relied on the forced academic curve to maybe give me a B- for my bad paper. Nope... it was barely a C-. Now I fear I am not smart enough for law school. Actually, logically I know that is false. I am smart enough for law school. I don't know if I am smart enough to pass the semester after not reading for almost the entire semester and cramming it all in 2 weeks. Plus, mental illness is evil and I don't react to emotions the same as others.

*sigh* I know my self-pitying rambling is pointless. It won't help me pass. The only thing that will save me is focusing on the solution and not the problem. It is so fraking hard to do that though! My mind gets consumed with fear and I freeze. I am simultaneously afraid of failure and success. AHAHA, if I didn't have mental illnesses, I'd be unstoppable. I need to stop feeling sad about what could be and focus on what IS.
We may not all be capable of being the Mother Confessor, but I must heed her words...

"We all can be only what we are, nothing more, or less." - Kahlan Amnell

I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. Yet, I need to look past my flaws and not let my fears paralyze me.

The Solution, Not the Problem

^ How law school makes me feel....

3 weeks. I have exactly 3 weeks until the end of the semester. I am paralyzed by fear because I'm a perfectionist. I'm extremely behind in reading and I don't really know what to expect out of law school.
This week is the last week of classes. I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due tomorrow. I also have a court observation report due on Tuesday. I haven't observed yet, oops! After Thanksgiving, I have until December 10th to cram a semester's worth of legal knowledge into my brain. My last exam is on the 13th. The work feels overwhelming. I'm desperately trying to remember to "Think of the solution, not the problem." - Richard Rahl (in Blood of the Fold, by Terry Goodkind)

I have no choice. Since I am a first semester 1L, I cannot medically withdraw this semester. If I want to be a lawyer, I must pass this semester. If I fail, no law school will accept me as a new student.

*edit* For the moment I can't figure out how to import the blog. So, these are copies of my wordpress posts. As a result, I now have exactly 2 weeks until the end of the semester.

Hi!

TPTB scare me...

My main blog is: masochistmusing.wordpress.com

I connected the accounts. Too late to go back now