Online Dating and Law School

Haha, my mom mentioned online dating today. I told her I had nothing against online dating. In fact, I'd already done it. However, I do not have the time to date right now, maybe I'll consider it if next semester goes well. What I did not tell her was I feel I cannot date until I do a lot more soul searching. They know a little bit about my proclivities because when I was 13 I tried to meet men online and one of them introduced me to BDSM. As I mentioned in Masochism and Me, these thoughts have been in my head since before I can remember, but before that online chat, I did not know there was a name for people like me. Anyway, before handing my chat logs to detectives who investigate internet crimes against children, they read every word. As a result, they have known for years. Plus, when I was 16 I was caught on a Gor website. The only reason I was caught was because despite lying about my age (you were suppose to be 21), the only email address I owned was my school email address and some do-gooder admin took it upon themselves to email my school administration! Luckily, my high school was freaking amazing, but it was still embarrassing. My parents now knew it was more than a phase at age 13. *awkward* Also, they suspect I am bi or gay or something alternative. When I signed up for Pride at school they confronted me about it. They had these understanding looks in their eyes, as if all my issues (depression, eating disorder, etc.) made sense. I told them they were wrong. Pride was also PFLAG at my school.

I am not about to explain any of this to them. They might understand. When they found out about my continuing interest at 16, in an attempt to make me feel less awkward, one of them confided bondage fantasies. However, they're religious and stressed it was "okay if I wanted my husband to tie me up in bed..." In other words, sex before marriage was not okay. I don't know if it is possible to find my truth without surpassing oral sex. I know people engage in sexualized BDSM without literal sex, but I don't know if that is enough to explore this anew.

I think it is unfair to enter a relationship without deciding who I am first. At the same time, I do not believe in vaginal penetration without love. This presents an obvious problem. *sigh*

The point is I am not ready to date anyone right now, especially a potentially vanilla person.

These are problems for another day though...

I'm going to try...No, I'm going to study today. To that end, I'm going to log-off and
hopefullystay offline all day. I only have 5 days to study now; this is obviously my fault. Nonetheless, I am getting increasingly anxious.

I figured out there are 5 stages of procrastination. Perhaps if I get through this semester, I will explore their meaning and how to stop them like a Behavior Chain Analysis in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

One last thing: Darn it! I'm contributing to more stereotypes! For example, people who use online dating are crazy or weird or there is something wrong with them. :( Sorry universe! I swear there are normal, wonderful, kind, amazing people using online dating.

We all can be only what we are

Ugh! I barely did any work yesterday. I skimmed over the reading for one of Monday's classes. Granted, I rarely even do that. However, in order to pull this miracle off, I need to do much more than that paltry amount of studying.

The paper worth 40% of my grade is due at midnight. I have a sad, pathetic draft. Last time I had the worst grade in the class on the paper because I didn't start it until the day it was due. I knew the work I was turning in was sub-par. I knew it was awful! However, I underestimated my classmates because I have a $40,000 merit scholarship and my LSAT score was above the 75 percentile for my school. I'm not used to having to work for grades. I made it to Psi Chi without working hard and I maintained my academic scholarship all 4 years undergrad.

God, I know I sound extremely arrogant. How can I complain about not having to work hard for grades and getting a bad grade because I underestimated my peers? I knew my classmates were smart, but despite my self-loathing and insisting I am "stupid", I'm not used to being compared to people as smart as me. I went to academically excelled schools throughout my education, but still...by virtue of the bell curve, 90% of the people I meet are not as smart as me. I know you can't tell from my word choice and grammar. :p Therefore, I relied on the forced academic curve to maybe give me a B- for my bad paper. Nope... it was barely a C-. Now I fear I am not smart enough for law school. Actually, logically I know that is false. I am smart enough for law school. I don't know if I am smart enough to pass the semester after not reading for almost the entire semester and cramming it all in 2 weeks. Plus, mental illness is evil and I don't react to emotions the same as others.

*sigh* I know my self-pitying rambling is pointless. It won't help me pass. The only thing that will save me is focusing on the solution and not the problem. It is so fraking hard to do that though! My mind gets consumed with fear and I freeze. I am simultaneously afraid of failure and success. AHAHA, if I didn't have mental illnesses, I'd be unstoppable. I need to stop feeling sad about what could be and focus on what IS.
We may not all be capable of being the Mother Confessor, but I must heed her words...

"We all can be only what we are, nothing more, or less." - Kahlan Amnell

I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. Yet, I need to look past my flaws and not let my fears paralyze me.

Trying to Import

I'm trying to import my wordpress.com blog, so no one has to click on links. It will automatically show up here.

*edit* I couldn't figure it out. I copy/pasted every post instead.