And I thought I had issues!

LOL! Someone is bitter...



I know it is unreadable, but it was the best picture I could get with my webcam. It says, "Finals monster is coming...to kill...your future in law!" I'll probably erase it before I leave so some scared person doesn't see it as an omen!

I'm much more confident than I should be this morning. I did not study at all this time. Ruh roh! However, I feel much less nervous than I did before my Contracts exam. Also, I saw my uber hot marine classmate (sadly, married with a child and twins on the way!) already this morning. He is nice and nice looking. :p

FYI, I probably seem proud of my procrastination or like I don't care about law school, but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm ashamed of my procrastination and I'm an awful perfectionist. I desperately want to do well, but I'm one of those people who procrastinates in order to blame my potential failure on something other than my innate worth or intelligence. If I procrastinate, I can say to myself, "I just failed because I didn't study." as opposed to trying with all my effort, still failing and having to face the truth that I am not good enough! It is a terrible strategy to maintain my self-image, but I can't seem to break away from it, despite the pain and anxiety it causes.

"14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html

I was wrong; it isn't the end of the world

Wow, surprisingly, I don’t feel bad about it! I feel okay! I don’t think I aced it, but I don’t think I failed either. The annoying thing is I won’t know until January and I have no way of objectively knowing because it all depends in the curve. I’m a little nervous because I felt okay about our practice midterm and I scored below average. Plus, I missed a lot of class, not enough to get kicked out, but enough that he can lower our grade “at his discretion” as much as 1/3. Therefore, I could pass the exam, but still fail the class. The policy does not discriminate between excused and unexcused absences. My psychiatrist called him a savage for not excusing my absences that were directly from Depression. For now I feel happy though because I thought I would feel awful after the exam!

Also:

Now is the Time to PANIC!

Fraking nervous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to check my exam software though, hence I am online. I decided not to use it. I ran into a really sweet janitor. She said, "Good luck!" I said, "Thanks! I'll need it!"
She replied, "Come here sweetie." and she gave me a hug. :) Then she said, "It will be okay! You have to be positive." I replied, "I'll try." Anyway, she was kind! I've run into her before. Once I was waiting outside a professor's office and she was cleaning near me. I asked if she needed me to move so she could get to my spot. Apparently, it is unnecessary to get out of the way for janitors in this building. So, maybe she recognized me. I doubt it because that was a month ago. She said I was "dragging". Haha, I don't feel too tired! I know I got less than 6 hours of sleep because I couldn't sleep. At least, I didn't try to read The Sword of Truth. I was extremely good and only read 2 short chapters before trying to sleep, then I tossed and turned all night. Right now, I am nervous, but not extremely anxious because I don't expect to do well. I'll try my best with what I have, but at this point...what will be, will be! Plus, everyone in my family, other than  my dad, assures me I'm still loved, no matter what. I'll deal with the self-concept fallout later. Right now, I'm going to focus on cramming for an hour.

Bad Study Strategies and Bulimia

Bridget Regan as Robin in The Best and The Brightest

Robin:   I agree. I hate fat chicks!
Mica:   Hey, me too.
The Player:   To bulimia!

Note: To be clear, I am not body shaming! I do not hate fat people; I hate my fat!!! In fact, I'm most attracted to people who are slightly overweight. Bridget Regan is an exception because she is fricking gorgeous!

Also, eating disorders are killers, but once you taste one, it is hard to get rid of it because it feels good. Pun very much intended ;)

Do you know what I don’t hate? My eating disorder. Law school stress caused the relapse. My ED is here for me when no one else can be. Just like a collar it wraps me in a comforting hug and insulates me from feeling too much. Plus, when I tried to recover I gained a ton of weight! I even got to the obese range! For me, “recovery” meant binging without purging. I know that is not real recovery, but I never got the binging under control. I binged twice this month, including today. In November I binged twice the entire month. Is it a coincidence that law school exams are looming? I think not! I’m so close and yet so far away! I’m close because they start tomorrow. I’m leagues away because I’ve barely studied.

 

So, why am I blogging? As a general rule, I fail at life. Also, I like to use the excuse that my meds take a half hour to kick-in. However, I find myself wasting time hours later. I can’t avoid studying today; it would be a disaster! I can avoid it for the moment. I’m currently having escapist self-harm, and masochistic urges. I don’t know if I’m completely safe. I won’t log on to my Alt of Collarme accounts and meet some random person because I don’t have a death wish at the moment. So, that is just a mind exercise. I’m not sure if I can withstand the self-harm urges. In this case, I mean doing something dangerous enough that I’d land in the hospital and therefore miss exams. Yeah, I know that is a completely sane and logical thought process. >:(

 
On the bright side, if I make it through exams, my poor followers won’t have to hear me rant about law school for a month!

2 TedTalks: Mental Illness in Law School and Mental Illness is Feeling Deeply

1. Glennon Doyle Melton (TedTalks) agrees, many people with mental illness feel deeply! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY

Some of the quotes that resonated with me:

“People think of us addicts as insensitive liars, but we don’t start out that way. We start out as extremely sensitive truth-tellers. We feel so much pain and so much love and we sense that the world does want us to feel that much and doesn’t want us to need as much comfort as we need. So, we start pretending. We try to pretend that we’re the people we’re supposed to be. We numb and we hide and we pretend and that pretending does eventually turn into a life of lies. To be fair, we thought we were supposed to lie. They tell us since we’re little, the only appropriate answer is, ‘Fine, and you?’”

This is SO SO true! Yes, that is right, so true, it requires a repeated word!

“So, in private with the food or the booze…we tell the truth. We say, ‘Actually, I’m not fine.’ Because we don’t feel safe telling the truth in the real world, we make our own little world: addiction.”
“I did not want to deal with the discomfort and messiness of being a human being.”

YES! Unfeeling, strong Mord-Sith all the way! Remember these Illyria from Angel GIFs?
 

“And in the mental hospital, for the first time in my life, I found myself in a world that made sense to me…and we had to learn about ancient Rome when all we really wanted to learn was how to make and keep a real friend. But in the mental hospital there was no pretending. The jig was up…Everybody was worthy just because she existed and so in there we were brave enough to take off our capes of [addiction]…In there, people wore their scars on the outside so you knew where they stood and they told the truth.”

I think this is why people tend to form endurable bonds in treatment. We tell the other patients thoughts or past events we would never reveal to our closest friends and loved ones on the outside. We are open and honest in a way we have not experienced. Furthermore, we understand where the others are coming from. We understand them on a level that non-mentally ill people cannot. We accept each other unconditionally.

2. Elyn Saks: A Tale of Mental Illness – from the inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6CILJA110Y

She had her first schizophrenic break in law school! She was involuntarily hospitalized, but she gained control and went back. It was her first year; I don’t know if it was her first or second semester. Either way, Yale law school was nice enough to give her medical leave. I’m not bitter at all! Anyway, with schizophrenia she completed law school at the top of her class and now she is a professor at the University of Southern California Gould Law School. It is a well respected law school, ranked 18th in the country!! Her story gave me hope one night when I was dealing with suicidal urges. Right now it doesn't give me hope because to pass law school exams one must at least try to understand and review the material.

Alive, but Sad, Angry, and Afraid

I'm safe. I didn't even self-harm, which was a minor miracle. I have a half hour until my meds kick in, then I'll work. ...No, really, I will! *laughs bitterly*

I'm already on the verge of tears. My first words this morning were a lie. "Are you ok emotionally?" Me: "Yes. I'm good." *smiles* I'm not a half bad actor, maybe I should go to L.A. ;)

If I worked 18 hours today, I could still listen to all my Contracts recordings. Ahahahaha. That is not going to happen. Even though I skip class all the time and avoid all social things, I have one amazing acquaintance/friend. She always texts me when I miss and asks if I'm okay. She encourages me. I told her about the depression and I was nervous. Her reaction was great! She was so understanding and kind! I'm considering asking for her outline. She might give it to me, after all, I am far from a threat in the curve.
I can't decide if I should try to power through it all for hours on end or if I should try to learn specific sections in detail. That is if I even work today. :(

I hate that my school doesn't give medical leave to 1st semester students. My only options are voluntarily withdrawing before I take the exams or attempting to pass and let the chips fall where they may. If I pass, yay! Let's attempt a second semester. If I fail, I'm out, but I can reapply in 1 year to another law school or 2 years to my law school. For some reason the thought of re-starting the semester is not that bad, but the thought of going through the entire admissions process again is daunting. I doubt I'd do it. However, even if I voluntarily withdraw, I have to reapply. The odds are not in my favor.

Last night I thought about other life options: Wal-Mart cashier again, psychology masters or PhD, ultrasound technician, Costco cashier (they pay more, but I'm certain Wal-Mart would re-hire me), or something I haven't thought of yet. It isn't the end of my life, unless I make it so. At least if I'm alive I still have hope of becoming a better person. If I'm dead, I'll probably be tortured for all time, not a pleasant idea.

At the same time, most of what little self-worth I have comes from academia. If I fail this will shatter my fragile self-concept. Nothing worthwhile will be left. Technically I can "blame" depression; there was a point in the semester where my psychiatrist was evaluating daily whether to hospitalize me. It was a serious relapse. However, I *let* it happen.



The right thing to do is try as best as I can, but at this point, it feels hopeless. I keep thinking, "Why even bother? You won't pass."

Also, I feel sad because I know my dad will be disappointed. He said he was afraid I'd let my fear of failure overwhelm me and I'd settle for mediocrity. My mom and brother each reassured me they'd still love me, even if I flunk out, but not him. :(

I'm sorry I'm repetitive, but right now my life is repetitive: wake-up, feel guilty, think I should study, avoid studying at all costs, feel more guilt, gratefully go to bed, promise tomorrow will be different.

Lately I've thought maybe my ideas of slavery are escapist. I think of it like Denna, a slave in her own way as Mord-Sith, thinks of it.

Denna: "I think you'll find it quite liberating wizard. For so long, you've been burdened with all the world's concerns. Once you're broken, you'll have only one: pleasing me."

Or Clip:

I don't have the fate of the world on my shoulders. Except, I sort of do, in that I have great expectations of helping others and if I don't succeed I feel worthless. Of course, it is self-imposed. However, if I was a sadist's slave, my life would at least be devoted to helping and pleasing one person. That is worth something, right? In addition, as Denna said, I'd only have one concern. I would have focus; I would have a purpose. Since my Master would be a sadist, I would be tortured and as you know, I deserve punishment. *sigh* I am well aware that this line of thinking is fraking insane. :(

Crazy Really Means Feeling Deeply

"She's always been Suzanne in my mind. The way I use 'crazy' is she's crazy-good, crazy-fun, crazy-fun-to-play, for sure. But she's definitely been 'Suzanne' to me because I didn't want to get trapped in
the one layer of just playing 'crazy.' When I was approaching the material, I thought of her as somebody who just feels deeply. This is someone who loves passionately. Every side of her life is a '10.' She
gets mad at a 10, she loves at a 10 and she's gonna pee at a 10. That's how I approach Suzanne," Aduba said. http://www.idigitaltimes.com/articles/21014/20131203/orange-new-black-season-2-premiere-spoilers.htm

:) I like this conceptualization of crazy. In some ways I think it is spot on! I think many people with mental illness, especially mood disorders and other disorders like eating disorders, are unusually sensitive. We feel deeply. We may scare easier than others, we may feel lonely a lot, but when we love, we love passionately. In fact, emotions being too strong is why anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar, etc. are a problem! The emotions are normal, but their strength is too much to handle. Therefore, we act "crazy". We feel so sad that we want to sleep all day or we are so terrified of whatever that we can only cope through self-harm.



...Still not working. >:( On the bright side, lunch wasn't too bad. I wasn't hungry or interested in food at all when it was ready, but I ate without complaint. I feel full, but not sick-full. Sick-full is like that feeling you get after a large Thanksgiving meal, you're overstuffed, you think you couldn't possibly eat another morsel for a month, and you feel ill. When I've been restricting for a while, normal meals start to create that feeling, which is a problem since I'm living at home again.

I hope by the time I publish this (It was saved as a Draft for a few hours), I am diligently working!

*Edit: It is now 3 hours after I originally wrote this and I still have not done ANY work! What is wrong with me?!?!?

Also, I forgot to show you ...because I have so many people who care, comment, and read this blog ;) ... the shirt I'm wearing today! I wore it hoping it would inspire me to concentrate on studying. So far, no dice.

Online Dating and Law School

Haha, my mom mentioned online dating today. I told her I had nothing against online dating. In fact, I'd already done it. However, I do not have the time to date right now, maybe I'll consider it if next semester goes well. What I did not tell her was I feel I cannot date until I do a lot more soul searching. They know a little bit about my proclivities because when I was 13 I tried to meet men online and one of them introduced me to BDSM. As I mentioned in Masochism and Me, these thoughts have been in my head since before I can remember, but before that online chat, I did not know there was a name for people like me. Anyway, before handing my chat logs to detectives who investigate internet crimes against children, they read every word. As a result, they have known for years. Plus, when I was 16 I was caught on a Gor website. The only reason I was caught was because despite lying about my age (you were suppose to be 21), the only email address I owned was my school email address and some do-gooder admin took it upon themselves to email my school administration! Luckily, my high school was freaking amazing, but it was still embarrassing. My parents now knew it was more than a phase at age 13. *awkward* Also, they suspect I am bi or gay or something alternative. When I signed up for Pride at school they confronted me about it. They had these understanding looks in their eyes, as if all my issues (depression, eating disorder, etc.) made sense. I told them they were wrong. Pride was also PFLAG at my school.

I am not about to explain any of this to them. They might understand. When they found out about my continuing interest at 16, in an attempt to make me feel less awkward, one of them confided bondage fantasies. However, they're religious and stressed it was "okay if I wanted my husband to tie me up in bed..." In other words, sex before marriage was not okay. I don't know if it is possible to find my truth without surpassing oral sex. I know people engage in sexualized BDSM without literal sex, but I don't know if that is enough to explore this anew.

I think it is unfair to enter a relationship without deciding who I am first. At the same time, I do not believe in vaginal penetration without love. This presents an obvious problem. *sigh*

The point is I am not ready to date anyone right now, especially a potentially vanilla person.

These are problems for another day though...

I'm going to try...No, I'm going to study today. To that end, I'm going to log-off and
hopefullystay offline all day. I only have 5 days to study now; this is obviously my fault. Nonetheless, I am getting increasingly anxious.

I figured out there are 5 stages of procrastination. Perhaps if I get through this semester, I will explore their meaning and how to stop them like a Behavior Chain Analysis in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

One last thing: Darn it! I'm contributing to more stereotypes! For example, people who use online dating are crazy or weird or there is something wrong with them. :( Sorry universe! I swear there are normal, wonderful, kind, amazing people using online dating.

Like taking a Maserati and using it to sell vegetables at a Market

Earlier I had a conversation with my dad. He seemed worried about something. He said he had "a daughter intent on making [him] old before [his] time...because [I] let stress overwhelm [me] too easily." I asked if he meant he feared I would kill myself. He said he thought I was more stable than that for the past few weeks and he worried I would fail school and work as a cashier at Wal-Mart forever because that was the easiest path and (apparently) I often take the easiest path. I give-up too quickly. He compared me to my aunt who has a college degree, but worked half days at a lunch lady at a local school. For 15 years she worked there, but stayed part-time and never attempted to advance her position. She simply did the bare minimum. Furthermore, she lived at my grandma's house for all those years, rent free, and without contributing to any bills, even groceries. Yet, she had 4 kids who also moved in when she did. He said if I resign myself to being a cashier at Wal-mart, it is "like taking a Maserati and using it to sell vegetables at a market." In other words, while neither of us believe anyone is "too good" for a job because you should do what pays the bills regardless of your IQ, education, or any so-called "right" to a better job, he thinks it would be a waste for me to drop out of law school and be a cashier. He thinks I can contribute more to the world by being a lawyer.

I suppose I am being weak like he said, but that hurt my feelings. I am not like my aunt. I am not taking the easiest route. I don't even know what he is talking about! I can't think of anything I gave up because I didn't want to do the work. Right now, I am not doing the work I need to do in order to complete the semester. I have not done that work almost the entire semester. It isn't because I don't care though. It is because I am scared. I realize that is exactly what he said. The difference is that I don't want to give up. That is not my intention, yet I know by not studying, I am giving up by proxy.

I don't know how to force myself to study. I have recordings of lectures. The recorder is sitting next to me; I am supposed to transcribe them and create an outline to take to exams. Since Thanksgiving, I have barely done anything. I haven't even started one class recording.

I don't know what I'm saying. He is right, but he hurt my feelings. He is only calling me out with the truth, but I am not like his sister! Even if I don't make it through law school and I wind up in a entry-level pink-collar job, I would not be like her. I would give my best and I would not turn down offers to work more hours or promotions. If there was no hope of promotion in the company, I would find another job. *sigh*

Nonetheless, it would still be a waste. I know that and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. What little worth I attach to myself is based on others, either I have some worth because people who love me see worth in me, or I have worth because I can make a positive difference in people's lives. I cannot make the same difference at Wal-Mart and the practice of law. I am squandering potential. While I could still make a difference, just by creating a positive and helpful interaction in someone's day, it is not the same magnitude of difference and it is wasting the potential to make a larger difference. Purposefully wasting potential like that is wrong. It is not the same as harming people, but it is a little similar because I could have helped more people.

This line of reasoning is similar to my earlier posts. I am no super-human, I am not destined to do anything wonderful, but I do have a duty to try to damnedest and that requires more of me than it may require of someone else. As a result of innate intelligence (which is still not as high as too many other people) and gifts in life, like the ability to go to good schools, I have a duty to make a large positive difference.

No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell

I never thought lawyers were evil. Although law professors may be...Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.




How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )


 


How I actually feel…


 


What I wish was possible…





Trying to summon strength…

I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…


 


But in the end


 


     
I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn't be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe...

aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I'll still be online in 5 hours.

Mea Culpa

Oops, stayed in bed all day again. ...After just telling the Dean I was getting better. Grr.

I'm currently skipping therapy. I skipped class. I'm afraid I may have met my get kicked-out limit by skipping today!

I know hypersomnia is part of depression, but sometimes I stay up extremely late doing random things online or reading for fun, knowing I will have trouble getting up in the morning with less than 8 hours of sleep. I'm beginning to think it is a form of self-injury or at least, self-sabotage. I've also started driving without heat in 30 degree weather. I'm suspicious of that behavior as well.

I really should shower and get dressed before my mom gets home. On Friday she threatened to commit me. On one hand, I feel like I'm not a danger to myself at the moment. On the other hand, in the very recent past, I was, I'm also not showing up were I'm supposed to (school, therapy), not going to treatment (I skipped Friday to), not doing my Activities of Daily Living, and she  used to work for the Courts to commit people. Therefore, she knows what to say. If she counted my meds, she would realize I'm not taking Lamictel. I stopped when my psychiatrist worried I was swinging toward mania. I would rather be manic than depressed. So far, no dice.

*edit* skimming these posts as I copy/paste them, makes me realize how freaking insane I sound! I function much better than my internal monologue  and snippets of my day make it appear. Also, I ended up talking on the phone to my therapist.

Knowledge is a destination

Still no work done today. :( Haha, my mom always asks why I have enough "self-control" to starve myself nearly to death, but not enough to study.

Well... eating disorders are mental illnesses, not "self-control." She should know that considering she is a psychologist! Case in point: I'm trying to set aside my anxieties and focus on school. That means eating throughout the day, not obsessing about eating disorder related things, and not going over the same fears in my mind ad nauseum. I know to be successful, I need to focus solely on law school for the next 3 weeks. Despite a conscious effort to ignore my eating disorder, I constantly catch myself thinking about losing weight or feeling fat.

I know what she means though. Most people can't subsist on water for 5 days or force themselves to throw up any food they consume, pushing past dizzy spells, pain, and blood. It doesn't take self-control; it takes a depth of self-hate few people understand. I wish my "self-control" extended to other areas of my life. In a way, through perfectionism, it does enter other areas of my life. However, the self-loathing and fear coming from my self-concept destroy any benefit of perfectionism. Ironically, I procrastinate because of it.

While searching for a title, I came across the quote in my title: "Knowledge is a destination. Truth, the journey." Again it is from Zeddicus Z'ul Zorander. I'm going to try to think of Law School this way. All those foreign words and new ideas seem overwhelming and tedious. However, if I learn them all, I will end up with the knowledge needed to discover the truth (of cases). Yet, right now, I need to write a paper.

Actions betray lies

"Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie." The Wizard's 5th Rule from Soul of the Fire, Chapter 28, page 205.

To make sure I was not misleading anyone, I looked up IQ percentiles. I was right. However, it made me think of something a therapist once told me. I don't remember specifically what I was saying to her, but I told her I was not good enough because of some action. She asked if I would think my friends were bad people for doing the same thing I did. I did not think they would be bad people for doing the same thing I did. Yet, I condemned myself for whatever action. She said, "You can't hold yourself to stricter standards than you hold the rest of the world. You don't get to make up rules for yourself."

Since then I repeat the idea to myself when I know I am being too hard on myself. However, my previous post made me reconsider. Why shouldn't I be held to a higher standard than most people? Yes, people may work hard at Wal-Mart. Someone is no lazy because they work at an entry level job. However, for me, with my IQ and educational opportunities, it is lazy to work at a non-skilled job. I can say I am not lazy until I am blue in the face, but if all I do is work at Wal-Mart forever, my actions betray a lie. Perhaps I am correct to expect more from myself than from people around me.

There is still a disconnect though. Imagining this scenario, I do not conceptualize someone with the same IQ and educational opportunities as lazy simply because of their job. At the same time, I specify person X as me and I see the person as lazy and bad. Therefore, the standards I hold myself to are not based on my IQ and background.

What are those standards based on? I don't know. They are internal. I find it ironic that I hate myself in almost all respects, yet I expect my thoughts and actions to be better than other people's thoughts and actions. If I am worthless, why should anyone expect outstanding results from me?

Are my personal standards too high? I know some of them are too high. It is unreasonable to expect perfection at all times, in everything. After all, no human is perfect. That is impossible. Others....I am not sure.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking and start DOING. I can think all I want after exams. Right now my brain power needs to be devoted to school, not thinking of all my shortcomings. I am awful at dwelling on problems. I ruminate over how bad I am and fail to look at the solution. Perhaps I need to tattoo that quote to my arm. Or since  my main emotion is overwhelming anxiety, maybe ""When you are out numbered, and the situation is hopeless, you have no option--you must attack"  (From The Adventures of Bonnie Day in Stone of Tears, Chapter 49, page 511) is more apt.

We all can be only what we are

Ugh! I barely did any work yesterday. I skimmed over the reading for one of Monday's classes. Granted, I rarely even do that. However, in order to pull this miracle off, I need to do much more than that paltry amount of studying.

The paper worth 40% of my grade is due at midnight. I have a sad, pathetic draft. Last time I had the worst grade in the class on the paper because I didn't start it until the day it was due. I knew the work I was turning in was sub-par. I knew it was awful! However, I underestimated my classmates because I have a $40,000 merit scholarship and my LSAT score was above the 75 percentile for my school. I'm not used to having to work for grades. I made it to Psi Chi without working hard and I maintained my academic scholarship all 4 years undergrad.

God, I know I sound extremely arrogant. How can I complain about not having to work hard for grades and getting a bad grade because I underestimated my peers? I knew my classmates were smart, but despite my self-loathing and insisting I am "stupid", I'm not used to being compared to people as smart as me. I went to academically excelled schools throughout my education, but still...by virtue of the bell curve, 90% of the people I meet are not as smart as me. I know you can't tell from my word choice and grammar. :p Therefore, I relied on the forced academic curve to maybe give me a B- for my bad paper. Nope... it was barely a C-. Now I fear I am not smart enough for law school. Actually, logically I know that is false. I am smart enough for law school. I don't know if I am smart enough to pass the semester after not reading for almost the entire semester and cramming it all in 2 weeks. Plus, mental illness is evil and I don't react to emotions the same as others.

*sigh* I know my self-pitying rambling is pointless. It won't help me pass. The only thing that will save me is focusing on the solution and not the problem. It is so fraking hard to do that though! My mind gets consumed with fear and I freeze. I am simultaneously afraid of failure and success. AHAHA, if I didn't have mental illnesses, I'd be unstoppable. I need to stop feeling sad about what could be and focus on what IS.
We may not all be capable of being the Mother Confessor, but I must heed her words...

"We all can be only what we are, nothing more, or less." - Kahlan Amnell

I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. Yet, I need to look past my flaws and not let my fears paralyze me.

The Solution, Not the Problem

^ How law school makes me feel....

3 weeks. I have exactly 3 weeks until the end of the semester. I am paralyzed by fear because I'm a perfectionist. I'm extremely behind in reading and I don't really know what to expect out of law school.
This week is the last week of classes. I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due tomorrow. I also have a court observation report due on Tuesday. I haven't observed yet, oops! After Thanksgiving, I have until December 10th to cram a semester's worth of legal knowledge into my brain. My last exam is on the 13th. The work feels overwhelming. I'm desperately trying to remember to "Think of the solution, not the problem." - Richard Rahl (in Blood of the Fold, by Terry Goodkind)

I have no choice. Since I am a first semester 1L, I cannot medically withdraw this semester. If I want to be a lawyer, I must pass this semester. If I fail, no law school will accept me as a new student.

*edit* For the moment I can't figure out how to import the blog. So, these are copies of my wordpress posts. As a result, I now have exactly 2 weeks until the end of the semester.

One desperate act after another

I'm using this blog to write about my sexuality because I'm not at peace with it yet. However, since my sexuality may be linked to other facets of my personality and environment, I will also write about school and mental health.

The title: a quote from Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander. "Sometimes that's all life is: one desperate act after another." Stone of Tears, Chapter 22, page 259

It perfectly captures my feelings at the moment.