Nothing good can come of hiding who I am

Sometimes I get so sick of hiding who I am. I feel as though I hide almost everything about myself offline. The mental illness, bdsm, sexuality, everything. I think no one knows <em>me</em>, which makes me feel very alone. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone knew all of it <strong>and</strong> accepted me despite it. I uploaded part of two scenes (from the same episode, s1e19, "Cursed") that resonated with me because of my necessity to hide myself. Unfortunately, I don't believe the sentiment is true for me. Perhaps it is true in regard to masochism or submission. I don't know.

I fear I can't trust myself. I don't know what my truth is. I wish I viewed it as a gift, as part of who I am, as something I should not deny. I want to embrace it, control it, but is that safe or wise? I feel sad when I hear her say, "Nothing good can come of hiding who I am"; I will always have to hide who I am.

http://youtu.be/G4fOX0SCr5A
or

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Just for fun, this is a version where I added audio from another episode (s1e18, "Mirror") and clips from a third episode (s2e09, "Light") to imply BDSM was Kahlan's secret. ;)
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http://youtu.be/-iO0-_bf1nk
or

For some people, eye contact during painful parts of scenes is like saying, "Mmm, I like it! Give me more!!" ;) Not to mention that smile on her face afterwards!!

Mea Culpa

Oops, stayed in bed all day again. ...After just telling the Dean I was getting better. Grr.

I'm currently skipping therapy. I skipped class. I'm afraid I may have met my get kicked-out limit by skipping today!

I know hypersomnia is part of depression, but sometimes I stay up extremely late doing random things online or reading for fun, knowing I will have trouble getting up in the morning with less than 8 hours of sleep. I'm beginning to think it is a form of self-injury or at least, self-sabotage. I've also started driving without heat in 30 degree weather. I'm suspicious of that behavior as well.

I really should shower and get dressed before my mom gets home. On Friday she threatened to commit me. On one hand, I feel like I'm not a danger to myself at the moment. On the other hand, in the very recent past, I was, I'm also not showing up were I'm supposed to (school, therapy), not going to treatment (I skipped Friday to), not doing my Activities of Daily Living, and she  used to work for the Courts to commit people. Therefore, she knows what to say. If she counted my meds, she would realize I'm not taking Lamictel. I stopped when my psychiatrist worried I was swinging toward mania. I would rather be manic than depressed. So far, no dice.

*edit* skimming these posts as I copy/paste them, makes me realize how freaking insane I sound! I function much better than my internal monologue  and snippets of my day make it appear. Also, I ended up talking on the phone to my therapist.