Urge to Purge

Ever since law school ended for the semester, I’ve endured awful urges to purge! I think it is two-fold. On one hand, during the semester, I could easily tell my eating disorder to go away by rationalizing that purging would make studying more difficult. I no longer have that excuse. Furthermore, with Christmas fast approaching there are ample opportunities to over-eat. So, I am eating more than usual and feeling sick-full. It is tough because I haven’t purged in…actually, I can’t remember the last time I purged! Looking at logs I keep, my record is a few months long. Right now, I’m going to take a nap and hope when I wakeup the feeling is bearable.

Reasons NOT to Come Out

1. Once you tell someone, not in the lifestyle, you are a masochist, it becomes a joke. For example, while baking 2 days ago, one item needed to be rolled in powdered sugar right after it came out of the oven. My mom said, “Ok, we need the masochist!” *she laughs*

Now, that is not especially hurtful or rude, but would it be socially acceptable to say, “Ok, we need the lesbian!” No, I think not. I don’t know, I’m probably being over sensitive.

2. Once you tell someone, it becomes okay to randomly hurt you. For example, After someone pinches me hard enough to break skin, I say, “What are you doing?” They reply, “What? You shouldn’t care; you’re a masochist.”

Um…That is not how it works…   

Masochism is Not a Disease

“For example, heavy masochists enjoy pain intensities  that most players cannot tolerate, such as canings or single-tailed whippings. Canings and intense whippings are performed by very experienced players and can leave welts, small cuts, and bruises, but these are generally considered acceptable as long as these marks can heal on their own. Some heavy masochists are proud of their markings following a scene.“

Wait….That is abnormal?! I assumed all masochists felt this way.

“Therapists should be aware that dominant–submissive relationships, particularly those that are long term, may be characterized by levels of trust, intimacy, and sharing that  may be unmatched by many conventional relationships.”

*nods* This is my experience.

“Although it may be common to assume BDSM participants are psychosocially maladjusted, many have been found to be well-educated and well-adjusted”

“Probably the most important point is that sexual masochism appears to be more common among successful, individualistic people” (p. 120). According to Baumeister, such unconventional behaviors seem to be a way to temporarily escape from the Self. Indeed, we live in a fast-paced society with high stress and many demands, but also restrictions, on different aspects of our identities. Perhaps BDSM play is a safe way for many individuals to creatively escape, whether it be through means such as letting go of control (submission), experiencing pain or extreme sensation (focus on the body and/or natural endorphin rush), or temporarily become a different identity (fantasy/role play).”

Awesome, he doesn’t think that is a bad thing! I kept reading different theories of masochism and therapists kept mentioning escape for self as a bad, self-destructive reason.

“Again, the issue is not whether or not certain behaviors are morally okay, but whether or not certain behavioral patterns warrant inclusion as legitimate mental disorders based on solid empirical evidence and scientific inquiry. As has been pointed out, the evidence supporting BDSM as being objectively and necessarily pathological is lacking. To the contrary, the available evidence suggests BDSM participants generally are healthy, educated, well-adjusted and successful. However, it is unfortunate that many participants must remain silent about their lifestyles for fear that misperceptions, cultural and religious biases and judgments by others could lead to severe problems in social and occupational functioning.”

Who knows, maybe by the DSM-VII we won’t be considered mentally ill (for this reason ) I think I’m going to talk to my uncle about all this. I used to talk to him about my eating disorder when I was a kid. I want to talk to someone, really talk to someone, not just type my thoughts to people who don’t respond. I know I’ll talk to him about bisexuality because he is gay. Therefore, I know he will have no qualms about that. I may bring up the submissive/masochistic side to. After all, he knows me and should be able to judge if my motives are self-destructive or not.

All quotes are from “Different (Painful!) Strokes for Different Folks: A General Overview of Sexual Sadomasochism (SM) and its Diversity” by DJ Williams 

Apparently DJ Williams is a Sociologist, not a Psychologist. I suppose I can forgive him!

Bad Study Strategies and Bulimia

Bridget Regan as Robin in The Best and The Brightest

Robin:   I agree. I hate fat chicks!
Mica:   Hey, me too.
The Player:   To bulimia!

Note: To be clear, I am not body shaming! I do not hate fat people; I hate my fat!!! In fact, I'm most attracted to people who are slightly overweight. Bridget Regan is an exception because she is fricking gorgeous!

Also, eating disorders are killers, but once you taste one, it is hard to get rid of it because it feels good. Pun very much intended ;)

Do you know what I don’t hate? My eating disorder. Law school stress caused the relapse. My ED is here for me when no one else can be. Just like a collar it wraps me in a comforting hug and insulates me from feeling too much. Plus, when I tried to recover I gained a ton of weight! I even got to the obese range! For me, “recovery” meant binging without purging. I know that is not real recovery, but I never got the binging under control. I binged twice this month, including today. In November I binged twice the entire month. Is it a coincidence that law school exams are looming? I think not! I’m so close and yet so far away! I’m close because they start tomorrow. I’m leagues away because I’ve barely studied.

 

So, why am I blogging? As a general rule, I fail at life. Also, I like to use the excuse that my meds take a half hour to kick-in. However, I find myself wasting time hours later. I can’t avoid studying today; it would be a disaster! I can avoid it for the moment. I’m currently having escapist self-harm, and masochistic urges. I don’t know if I’m completely safe. I won’t log on to my Alt of Collarme accounts and meet some random person because I don’t have a death wish at the moment. So, that is just a mind exercise. I’m not sure if I can withstand the self-harm urges. In this case, I mean doing something dangerous enough that I’d land in the hospital and therefore miss exams. Yeah, I know that is a completely sane and logical thought process. >:(

 
On the bright side, if I make it through exams, my poor followers won’t have to hear me rant about law school for a month!

2 TedTalks: Mental Illness in Law School and Mental Illness is Feeling Deeply

1. Glennon Doyle Melton (TedTalks) agrees, many people with mental illness feel deeply! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY

Some of the quotes that resonated with me:

“People think of us addicts as insensitive liars, but we don’t start out that way. We start out as extremely sensitive truth-tellers. We feel so much pain and so much love and we sense that the world does want us to feel that much and doesn’t want us to need as much comfort as we need. So, we start pretending. We try to pretend that we’re the people we’re supposed to be. We numb and we hide and we pretend and that pretending does eventually turn into a life of lies. To be fair, we thought we were supposed to lie. They tell us since we’re little, the only appropriate answer is, ‘Fine, and you?’”

This is SO SO true! Yes, that is right, so true, it requires a repeated word!

“So, in private with the food or the booze…we tell the truth. We say, ‘Actually, I’m not fine.’ Because we don’t feel safe telling the truth in the real world, we make our own little world: addiction.”
“I did not want to deal with the discomfort and messiness of being a human being.”

YES! Unfeeling, strong Mord-Sith all the way! Remember these Illyria from Angel GIFs?
 

“And in the mental hospital, for the first time in my life, I found myself in a world that made sense to me…and we had to learn about ancient Rome when all we really wanted to learn was how to make and keep a real friend. But in the mental hospital there was no pretending. The jig was up…Everybody was worthy just because she existed and so in there we were brave enough to take off our capes of [addiction]…In there, people wore their scars on the outside so you knew where they stood and they told the truth.”

I think this is why people tend to form endurable bonds in treatment. We tell the other patients thoughts or past events we would never reveal to our closest friends and loved ones on the outside. We are open and honest in a way we have not experienced. Furthermore, we understand where the others are coming from. We understand them on a level that non-mentally ill people cannot. We accept each other unconditionally.

2. Elyn Saks: A Tale of Mental Illness – from the inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6CILJA110Y

She had her first schizophrenic break in law school! She was involuntarily hospitalized, but she gained control and went back. It was her first year; I don’t know if it was her first or second semester. Either way, Yale law school was nice enough to give her medical leave. I’m not bitter at all! Anyway, with schizophrenia she completed law school at the top of her class and now she is a professor at the University of Southern California Gould Law School. It is a well respected law school, ranked 18th in the country!! Her story gave me hope one night when I was dealing with suicidal urges. Right now it doesn't give me hope because to pass law school exams one must at least try to understand and review the material.

Crazy Really Means Feeling Deeply

"She's always been Suzanne in my mind. The way I use 'crazy' is she's crazy-good, crazy-fun, crazy-fun-to-play, for sure. But she's definitely been 'Suzanne' to me because I didn't want to get trapped in
the one layer of just playing 'crazy.' When I was approaching the material, I thought of her as somebody who just feels deeply. This is someone who loves passionately. Every side of her life is a '10.' She
gets mad at a 10, she loves at a 10 and she's gonna pee at a 10. That's how I approach Suzanne," Aduba said. http://www.idigitaltimes.com/articles/21014/20131203/orange-new-black-season-2-premiere-spoilers.htm

:) I like this conceptualization of crazy. In some ways I think it is spot on! I think many people with mental illness, especially mood disorders and other disorders like eating disorders, are unusually sensitive. We feel deeply. We may scare easier than others, we may feel lonely a lot, but when we love, we love passionately. In fact, emotions being too strong is why anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar, etc. are a problem! The emotions are normal, but their strength is too much to handle. Therefore, we act "crazy". We feel so sad that we want to sleep all day or we are so terrified of whatever that we can only cope through self-harm.



...Still not working. >:( On the bright side, lunch wasn't too bad. I wasn't hungry or interested in food at all when it was ready, but I ate without complaint. I feel full, but not sick-full. Sick-full is like that feeling you get after a large Thanksgiving meal, you're overstuffed, you think you couldn't possibly eat another morsel for a month, and you feel ill. When I've been restricting for a while, normal meals start to create that feeling, which is a problem since I'm living at home again.

I hope by the time I publish this (It was saved as a Draft for a few hours), I am diligently working!

*Edit: It is now 3 hours after I originally wrote this and I still have not done ANY work! What is wrong with me?!?!?

Also, I forgot to show you ...because I have so many people who care, comment, and read this blog ;) ... the shirt I'm wearing today! I wore it hoping it would inspire me to concentrate on studying. So far, no dice.

BDSM: It's not about the pain; it's about trust. Right?!

"It's not about the pain; it's about trust." - Echo in Dollhouse s01e09

This is true. It might be a little about the pain. ;) However, for me, BDSM is about so much more than pain. It is about trust. Giving myself over to someone without reservation is beautiful. Unlike some who call themselves masochists, I do not crave pain, except when I'm very upset as a distraction. Pain as a distracting coping mechanism is not related to BDSM. In general, I don't like pain. I want it to stop. However, I thrive on pleasing people. I always did. Through masochism, I can give someone a type of pleasure that not many would endure willingly. Through withstanding pain, I show submission and putting someone else before myself. As I said, I do not enjoy the pain. I do not get off on it. I struggle and beg. Yet, when it is over, once I recover, I want more. I like bruises. They're physical proof of my strength, of my willingness to serve. They can excite me.

Furthermore, pain is inextricably linked to submission. I don't know how that happened, but it did. Without pain, it feels like a role in a play; it feels like an act.

In order to let someone have that much control over me (I.e., restraints I truly can't get out of on my own), I must trust them with my life...literally. Once bound, I am s.o.l. if they decide to go past my boundaries. That type of power exchange makes me feel safe, like I'm enveloped in a warm cocoon. I believe this is because of the high level of trust necessary. If I trust them as much as I need in order to put myself at their mercy, I cannot help but feel safe with a collar around my neck.

My favorite female characters confounded me for a while. (Cara from Legend of the Seeker, Echo from Dollhouse, Max from Dark Angel, Sydney Bristow from Alias) If I identified as submissive, why were my favorite characters the strong, self-reliant ones, who often ignored authority? Then I realized, this isn't about laziness and wanting someone to control my every move so I didn't have to think. It isn't about wanting someone to take care of me and it isn't about weakness. I value self-sufficiency and internal fortitude, in myself and others. This dynamic is about a self-sufficient, whole human being trusting someone, loving someone, enough to give that person control. The only person I could turn myself over to is someone who I knew held my best interest at heart. If my arms are going numb and I signal to them, they will listen and fix the problem to prevent nerve damage, as opposed to continuing their work for their own gratitude.

In turn, that magnitude of trust forms a deeper bond than most relationships. Moreover, trust generates feelings of security, peace, and happiness.

Are those feelings possible in vanilla relationships? Sure. However, my experience is BDSM fosters trust and openness on different playing field, faster than other relationships. It is inevitable. To be safe, you have to talk about everything going on inside you physically and emotionally.

I know there are people out there who use this lifestyle as a smoke-screen for abuse. That is awful. I have been very fortunate to be with people who respect my wishes and value my well-being above their own happiness.

If BDSM is so great, why do I have so much trouble accepting it? Well, I think there are some great aspects to it, but I also fear I have ulterior motives like self-harm. I don't know how to suss out where genuine kinks begin and self-hate begins. I wish I knew. I don't know what I'll do if I decide kinky cannot be healthy for me. Also, for some reason, I feel guilty about it all.

I feel weird that the only time I find pleasure in intimacy is with BDSM trappings. I'm afraid that means something is wrong with me, that I'm not normal. Maybe if I find the right person, pain and submission won't matter. Who knows. What if this dynamic is all I ever feel comfortable with AND it is unhealthy? I just don't know. I also don't know how to go about exploring these things. It feels unfair to experiment with someone. I couldn't see myself with a vanilla person. Therefore, I'd be exploring the vanilla side of life with another kinky person. Yet, what happens if at some point, I decide BDSM is no healthy for me? What if I realize all these thoughts about pain and trust are simply rationalizations to mask self-loathing? What if it is all about the pain because I think I deserve punishment? I guess I break-up. That sounds simple, but it is not simple for me. I may be young, but I do not take intimacy lightly. I would feel dishonest going in to a relationship to explore non-kinkiness with a kinky person. Dishonesty would destroy the needed trust, making me feel unsafe. Do you see the problem?

I suppose to the solution is to develop a more relaxed view of sex. I doubt that will happen. *sigh*

If anyone is reading this, do I make sense at all? My own mind confuses me; therefore I imagine others would find it convoluted as well.

Masochism and Me

It isn't that I believe I am worthless. I believe I have worth. I believe I have potential. I do not believe I am a good person. Given that I have an innate drive to punish myself, can masochism be anything but self-destructive for me? Is my self-hate the driving force for my masochism? If it is the driving force, is that okay? Is it fair to my partner? If masochism is the only way I find pleasure in intimacy, where does this leave me? Why am I this way? Can I fix it? Does it need to be fixed? If self-hate is a driving force, but not the only reason I enjoy masochism, is it still okay to participate or will it always be unhealthy? Can it be healthy if I still hate myself? What are the reasons, other than self-hate, that I enjoy masochism? Was I born this way? Am I meant to be a sub? Is that the only way I can be happy in a relationship? If kinky relationships are the only romantic type that I like, and they are unhealthy for me, what do I do?

I don't have the answers to all these questions, but I intend to think about them.

One thing I know is that this is a part of me. The first masochistic fantasy I remember was at age 5! I did not know what it was called back then and there was no sexual component until puberty, but these thoughts have always been with me. Did I hate myself at age 5? I don't think so, but maybe I did. If I did not, that speaks in favor of masochism as not wholly involved with self-hate.

I feel kind of guilty talking about all this because I know there is a misconception that all kinsters are crazy. I don't want to feed in to that misconception, but I need to work through this.

Sometimes...

Not everyone deserves to live

 

This morning I tried to pin down why I am not worthy of life, why I have a higher threshold to meet in order to deserve life. The result is this internal conversation. It is not eloquent and it is probably confusing, but oh well. The point of this blog is sifting through the mess inside my mind.

I have friends who do not have Bachelor’s degrees and I think they are worthwhile human beings.

Why?

The first 3 who came to find are wives and mothers.

So, is their worth based on their status as either wives or mothers?

Although motherhood confers some worth, in my opinion, I would not think they were useless if they were childless and/or single.

If it is not school or motherhood, then what gives them worth?

They are good people that is why they have worth.

Are you saying I am a bad person?

Yes.

Why? Give me proof. Why are you a bad person? What is a bad person? If you are a bad person, how can you change that? If you can become a good person, does that make you worthy of life?

A good person is someone who helps others.

Okay, so is everyone other than missionaries or other people who dedicate their lives to helping others, a bad people?

No, that is unreasonable. We all have personal needs and wants; that is acceptable. Not everyone can be a missionary, but people should try not to harm others.

Then do you harm others?

Yes.

How?

I don’t know. I am selfish. I am rude; I ditch social things all the time.

Everyone does that. You believe those things make you deserve pain?

Well, no, not specifically those examples.

Then what?

No one is perfect; I know that. However, I have the ability to be more patient, kinder, etc., be better in every way. Since I am capable of being better, I need to try to be better. Not everyone has the same capacity for empathy or whatever, but short of extremes, all we can ask is for people to try not to harm others.

Alright, so do you try to harm others?

No.

Then why are you bad?

Because I don’t try hard enough to stop harm.

You still haven’t proven what harm you cause.

I can’t think of any atrocious harm I intended to cause. However, I have caused harm. I killed my brother.

You’re an idiot, you were a fetus, and there was obviously no intent.

That doesn’t matter; lack of intent does not equal lack of fault for example, a drunk driver killing another driver in a car accident. They may not have had intent, but they are nonetheless at fault.

So, does that drunk driver deserve to die?

No, but they deserve to be punished.

Why?

Because hurting others is bad.

Will punishment bring the victim back?

No, but they need to help the victim’s family in any way possible and they need to have consequences for their actions.

So, because you believe your presence in the womb made your twin weaker, contributing to his death, you deserve to die?

No. Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault in total. After all, he was the one whose water broke. However, he may have been a better person.

You don’t know that.

True, but I have reason to believe it.

Really?

Yes, I am defective. I am weak.

So, why not work on fixing yourself, instead of killing yourself?

You have a point. I should work to be the best I can because I am living for 2. Yet what do I do when my best is not good enough?

What is good enough?

I don’t know, worthwhile. As I said, either helping people, or other things like contributing to knowledge through scientific discovery, or trying my best to be good. At the same time, my best effort may not be enough.

Why? Best effort is individual.

True, but I need to make up for my sins. My best effort needs to be good enough, it needs to make a positive impact.

Why?! Because you were a twin? Because you sin?

Yes.

But everyone sins. What if you never knew about him? Also, what happens if your best effort is not good enough?

Yes everyone sins, but… I am just not good enough. I don’t know. If I never knew about him…I guess I would still have that metaphysical debt, but I would not be bad for ignoring it. I would not be held to the same standard because of ignorance. If my best is not good enough to counteract my badness, then I deserve to be punished.

If you were unaware of your twin, would you still deserve death?

Yes because there are uncountable other reasons.

In sum, for reasons you refuse to specify, you are inherently bad. People can counteract their badness by either doing their best to not harm others or contributing to knowledge. However, you bare best is not enough because you have a metaphysical debt. Therefore, you need to have a tangible positive impact in order to set the balance back the way it should be. What if you can’t make a positive impact?

Then I deserve to be punished.

Is that why you’re into BDSM? If so, is that moral? Is that healthy? Is that fair to your partner?

Don’t all people have inherent worth?

Yes, but at some point their actions can take away their inherent worth.

And your actions, before birth, took away your worth?

Yes.

What if I proved you were not at fault?

I would still be bad because I do not do my best to help people.

What about other people who do not do their utmost to help others? Do they deserve punishment?

No, not as long as they minimize harm to others.

Yet, even if you weren’t a twin, harm minimization would not be sufficient for you?

Correct.

Why?

I’m bad in other ways.

However you can’t give me concrete examples of how you are so bad that you deserve eternal torment?

Yes, because it is the sum of many smaller things that make an imperfect person.

So, in order to deserve anything you need to be perfect?

Yes, as perfect as possible.

Why?

I told you: to counteract the bad inside me!

I’m still waiting on proof that you are bad.

I am inside my mind. Only I know.

So, evil thoughts make you evil?

Not for everyone, but for me…it makes me feel guilty. I must be punished.

What are your evil thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know…I am lazy. I don’t give my full effort to school. I avoid social things. I break plans with people on no-notice or I make promises that I don’t keep.

That sounds human. Also, none of those are thoughts.

But I need to be more than human!

That doesn’t make sense. You can only be what you are, nothing more, nothing less.

I can rise above my base instincts. I am strong. Failure to be better than others is WORSE for me because I know I am capable of being good. It is kind of like, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Well, with great capacity for self-control or positive impacts, comes a higher expectation of results. The same results from two people do not necessarily equal the same effort. The worth comes from the effort.

Your proof of badness comes from a lack of results? Even though those results are like any other imperfect person?

Yes.

What makes you so damn special that you are held to impossible standards? Basically you’re saying you are better than everyone else; therefore, you are actually worse than everyone else when your actions are the same because it shows you are not trying?

Yes. I don’t know why I have higher standards. I do not think I am better than anyone else. I do not think I am morally superior

If you are not superior, why have a different standard?

Because I know I am capable of more. Who am I to judge anyone else’s capacity to help others or contribute to society? I cannot judge others, besides they all have free will. If they were not bad like me, they have no cosmic scale to balance out. I am not superior; I am not different. I am inside my mind. I know right from wrong. I know how to be better. Since I know those things, and chose to act in other ways, I am bad. I cannot read other people’s minds. Therefore, I do not know their thoughts. As a result, I cannot judge them.

Do you think most people could be better than they are?

Sure.

If most people could be better than they are, why are they not all bad like you?

Because I have to balance out my badness. I have a special obligation, not because I am better than anyone, but because I am worse. I need to tip the balance in the correct direction.

 

Mea Culpa

Oops, stayed in bed all day again. ...After just telling the Dean I was getting better. Grr.

I'm currently skipping therapy. I skipped class. I'm afraid I may have met my get kicked-out limit by skipping today!

I know hypersomnia is part of depression, but sometimes I stay up extremely late doing random things online or reading for fun, knowing I will have trouble getting up in the morning with less than 8 hours of sleep. I'm beginning to think it is a form of self-injury or at least, self-sabotage. I've also started driving without heat in 30 degree weather. I'm suspicious of that behavior as well.

I really should shower and get dressed before my mom gets home. On Friday she threatened to commit me. On one hand, I feel like I'm not a danger to myself at the moment. On the other hand, in the very recent past, I was, I'm also not showing up were I'm supposed to (school, therapy), not going to treatment (I skipped Friday to), not doing my Activities of Daily Living, and she  used to work for the Courts to commit people. Therefore, she knows what to say. If she counted my meds, she would realize I'm not taking Lamictel. I stopped when my psychiatrist worried I was swinging toward mania. I would rather be manic than depressed. So far, no dice.

*edit* skimming these posts as I copy/paste them, makes me realize how freaking insane I sound! I function much better than my internal monologue  and snippets of my day make it appear. Also, I ended up talking on the phone to my therapist.

Knowledge is a destination

Still no work done today. :( Haha, my mom always asks why I have enough "self-control" to starve myself nearly to death, but not enough to study.

Well... eating disorders are mental illnesses, not "self-control." She should know that considering she is a psychologist! Case in point: I'm trying to set aside my anxieties and focus on school. That means eating throughout the day, not obsessing about eating disorder related things, and not going over the same fears in my mind ad nauseum. I know to be successful, I need to focus solely on law school for the next 3 weeks. Despite a conscious effort to ignore my eating disorder, I constantly catch myself thinking about losing weight or feeling fat.

I know what she means though. Most people can't subsist on water for 5 days or force themselves to throw up any food they consume, pushing past dizzy spells, pain, and blood. It doesn't take self-control; it takes a depth of self-hate few people understand. I wish my "self-control" extended to other areas of my life. In a way, through perfectionism, it does enter other areas of my life. However, the self-loathing and fear coming from my self-concept destroy any benefit of perfectionism. Ironically, I procrastinate because of it.

While searching for a title, I came across the quote in my title: "Knowledge is a destination. Truth, the journey." Again it is from Zeddicus Z'ul Zorander. I'm going to try to think of Law School this way. All those foreign words and new ideas seem overwhelming and tedious. However, if I learn them all, I will end up with the knowledge needed to discover the truth (of cases). Yet, right now, I need to write a paper.

One desperate act after another

I'm using this blog to write about my sexuality because I'm not at peace with it yet. However, since my sexuality may be linked to other facets of my personality and environment, I will also write about school and mental health.

The title: a quote from Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander. "Sometimes that's all life is: one desperate act after another." Stone of Tears, Chapter 22, page 259

It perfectly captures my feelings at the moment.