Showing posts with label law student. Show all posts
Showing posts with label law student. Show all posts

Friday, December 13, 2013

And I thought I had issues!

LOL! Someone is bitter...

Photo_00008

I know it is unreadable, but it was the best picture I could get with my webcam. It says, "Finals monster is coming...to kill...your future in law!" I'll probably erase it before I leave so some scared person doesn't see it as an omen!

I'm much more confident than I should be this morning. I did not study at all this time. Ruh roh! However, I feel much less nervous than I did before my Contracts exam. Also, I saw my uber hot marine classmate (sadly, married with a child and twins on the way!) already this morning. He is nice and nice looking. :p

FYI, I probably seem proud of my procrastination or like I don't care about law school, but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm ashamed of my procrastination and I'm an awful perfectionist. I desperately want to do well, but I'm one of those people who procrastinates in order to blame my potential failure on something other than my innate worth or intelligence. If I procrastinate, I can say to myself, "I just failed because I didn't study." as opposed to trying with all my effort, still failing and having to face the truth that I am not good enough! It is a terrible strategy to maintain my self-image, but I can't seem to break away from it, despite the pain and anxiety it causes.

"14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I was wrong; it isn't the end of the world

irefly_KayleeOMG1

Wow, surprisingly, I don’t feel bad about it! I feel okay! I don’t think I aced it, but I don’t think I failed either. The annoying thing is I won’t know until January and I have no way of objectively knowing because it all depends in the curve. I’m a little nervous because I felt okay about our practice midterm and I scored below average. Plus, I missed a lot of class, not enough to get kicked out, but enough that he can lower our grade “at his discretion” as much as 1/3. Therefore, I could pass the exam, but still fail the class. The policy does not discriminate between excused and unexcused absences. My psychiatrist called him a savage for not excusing my absences that were directly from Depression. For now I feel happy though because I thought I would feel awful after the exam!

Also:

Now is the Time to PANIC!

Fraking nervous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to check my exam software though, hence I am online. I decided not to use it. I ran into a really sweet janitor. She said, "Good luck!" I said, "Thanks! I'll need it!"
She replied, "Come here sweetie." and she gave me a hug. :) Then she said, "It will be okay! You have to be positive." I replied, "I'll try." Anyway, she was kind! I've run into her before. Once I was waiting outside a professor's office and she was cleaning near me. I asked if she needed me to move so she could get to my spot. Apparently, it is unnecessary to get out of the way for janitors in this building. So, maybe she recognized me. I doubt it because that was a month ago. She said I was "dragging". Haha, I don't feel too tired! I know I got less than 6 hours of sleep because I couldn't sleep. At least, I didn't try to read The Sword of Truth. I was extremely good and only read 2 short chapters before trying to sleep, then I tossed and turned all night. Right now, I am nervous, but not extremely anxious because I don't expect to do well. I'll try my best with what I have, but at this point...what will be, will be! Plus, everyone in my family, other than  my dad, assures me I'm still loved, no matter what. I'll deal with the self-concept fallout later. Right now, I'm going to focus on cramming for an hour.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

2 TedTalks: Mental Illness in Law School and Mental Illness is Feeling Deeply

1. Glennon Doyle Melton (TedTalks) agrees, many people with mental illness feel deeply! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY

Some of the quotes that resonated with me:

“People think of us addicts as insensitive liars, but we don’t start out that way. We start out as extremely sensitive truth-tellers. We feel so much pain and so much love and we sense that the world does want us to feel that much and doesn’t want us to need as much comfort as we need. So, we start pretending. We try to pretend that we’re the people we’re supposed to be. We numb and we hide and we pretend and that pretending does eventually turn into a life of lies. To be fair, we thought we were supposed to lie. They tell us since we’re little, the only appropriate answer is, ‘Fine, and you?’”

This is SO SO true! Yes, that is right, so true, it requires a repeated word!

“So, in private with the food or the booze…we tell the truth. We say, ‘Actually, I’m not fine.’ Because we don’t feel safe telling the truth in the real world, we make our own little world: addiction.”
“I did not want to deal with the discomfort and messiness of being a human being.”

YES! Unfeeling, strong Mord-Sith all the way! Remember these Illyria from Angel GIFs?
  Angel_humanity Angel_weak

“And in the mental hospital, for the first time in my life, I found myself in a world that made sense to me…and we had to learn about ancient Rome when all we really wanted to learn was how to make and keep a real friend. But in the mental hospital there was no pretending. The jig was up…Everybody was worthy just because she existed and so in there we were brave enough to take off our capes of [addiction]…In there, people wore their scars on the outside so you knew where they stood and they told the truth.”

I think this is why people tend to form endurable bonds in treatment. We tell the other patients thoughts or past events we would never reveal to our closest friends and loved ones on the outside. We are open and honest in a way we have not experienced. Furthermore, we understand where the others are coming from. We understand them on a level that non-mentally ill people cannot. We accept each other unconditionally.

2. Elyn Saks: A Tale of Mental Illness – from the inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6CILJA110Y

She had her first schizophrenic break in law school! She was involuntarily hospitalized, but she gained control and went back. It was her first year; I don’t know if it was her first or second semester. Either way, Yale law school was nice enough to give her medical leave. I’m not bitter at all! ;) Anyway, with schizophrenia she completed law school at the top of her class and now she is a professor at the University of Southern California Gould Law School. It is a well respected law school, ranked 18th in the country!! Her story gave me hope one night when I was dealing with suicidal urges. Right now it doesn't give me hope because to pass law school exams one must at least try to understand and review the material.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Green-eyed Law Students: Interviews, Self-esteem and Hope

Every time someone in the Sword of Truth mentions Kahlan’s green eyes, I feel a swell of pride and confidence. It makes me feel pretty!

“The intelligence, the nobility, the life in those green eyes was riveting. This was a woman the equal of Richard” Nicci (aka my mind twin!) spellbound by Kahlan’s green eyes in Confessor, by Terry Goodkind.

I know that is silly, but I think it is because I usually find blue eyes the prettiest. Plus, authors often focus on the beauty of blue eyes. It seems most characters have blue or brown eyes. Therefore, Terry Goodkind focusing on the image of her green eyes makes me feel good. In fact, my iris color is one of the only aspects I like about myself physically.

Bridget Regan’s Fricking Gorgeous BLUE eyes:

How can someone be so gorgeous?!? *cries jealous tears*http://www.pinterest.com/pin/338614465704430659/

My Green eyes:
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While searching for a good book quote about Kahlan’s eyes I came across an interview with Bridget Regan. I’m falling in love. ;) which reminds me, there used to be a fandom trend called Gay for Kahlan. The author hasn’t posted on that website in a while, but she is still active on Twitter and Tumblr!

Anyway, the interview from http://www.sword-of-truth.com/?page=24 via The TV Chick. The questions are quotes to, I’m just too lazy to correctly use ‘ and ” throughout.

What originally attracted you to the show?

“Well, it was the role. The character of Kahlan was not like any part I had ever auditioned for or played. So, I was immediately drawn to it. I thought that she was really tough and kind of timeless, epic and theatrical which I really was drawn to. I went to a drama school and I grew up doing theater, so I quite liked that the show was kind of heightened and it wasn’t the sort of low energy, common chit-chat show, it was big and epic and exciting and high stakes and all that which I loved.”

This is why I love epic fantasies like Legend of the Seeker/ The Sword of Truth, Lord of the Rings, and The Wheel of Time; the scale is grand and everything is high stakes!

Are you a fan of fantasy?

“I wasn’t at all, actually. (laughs) It was pretty embarrassing when I moved to New Zealand, because the fact that I hadn’t seen Lord Of The Rings, I thought that they were going to turn me around and not let me into the country. But, once I got into [it], I really enjoyed it. The fans are really passionate, and have really strong opinions about things, which I like. You know, we had a fan base before we even started filming the show, which was so cool and bizarre. People had thoughts and feelings about what color my hair should be and my eyes and that was totally new to me.”

Yes, yes we are all a bit cult-ish and kind of amazing, aren’t we? :p In case you can’t tell, I love my geekiness.

Have you read the books or met the author?

“I have not met Terry Goodkind. You know, my parents have because they went to Comic Con in San Diego. That’s where I grew up. I’ve read some of the books. I haven’t gotten through all of them, but I’ve been skipping around. The series isn’t really following the books perfectly, and so you know, I find them really helpful. But sometimes I find it frustrating, because I’ll read something and I’ll be like ugh I really wish we would do this in the show. Or there’s an episode coming up — the one I’m going back to film right after I leave the states — is totally an escape from the book and nothing like that’s happened in it, and I’m so excited to do it because Kahlan gets split into two different bodies…almost like a yin and a yang sort of thing. One of her is the confessor in her, you know, [is] magical, has the powers and everything. And the other is just a woman. And without having both of them in check, things kind of go crazy and it’s such a cool episode for me, and I’m so excited to do it, but it’s not in the book, so you know I’m kind of thankful that we do stray because we get so many cool other opportunities.”

Haha, her parents went to Comic Con! How awesome is that? Plus, I’m jealous of them; I want to meet him!! I love that she read the books. I agree there are some things from the books I wish happened in the TV show (and vice versa!). For example, Cara’s trial from the TV show was neat. Also, the episode she talks about is amazing! (Torn, Season 2, Episode 11)

You were saying before how Kahlan is such a tough character. What does it mean to do you to play her? Do you think it sends a powerful message to women?

“I actually do. This season even more than last, because this season, we introduce a lot of other characters as well. It’s not just me, there are a lot of really kick-butt chicks. The light, the dark and all the mord-siths and everything. But I have a hard time playing the weak ingenue. I wouldn’t get cast as that when I first moved to the city. And I don’t even know, maybe it was because I’m pretty tall and I’m not a tiny little thing. And I thought maybe that had something to do with it. I love it when Kahlan gets to be really strong. I had a dream actually — it’s funny — I haven’t told this to anybody. I had this dream where we were doing a scene and it was a massive, big, war/fight scene. And we were fighting — Kahlan and Richard were fighting all these mord-siths, and we had these resistance fighters who were these scrappy guys. And I was all upset because they cast all these big massive guys to be the D’Harans and all these kind of small, hungry looking guys who were all weak and disheveled to be the resistance guys. None of this really happened in real life, but I dreamt it. So we’re fighting all the mord-siths, and the choreography was that we were supposed to lose. And I was supposed to get beaten, and we were supposed to get captured. And I changed the choreography, confessing all these mord-siths, making them fight with us so that we would win. (laughs) So I was refusing to lose.”

Hmm, this explains why I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than Kahlan in the books. That said, I’m re-reading the books and I think I need to give her more credit. As I re-read the books, I realize she is strong. I may be biased because I saw Legend of the Seeker before reading the books, but Bridget Regan is exactly how I imagine Kahlan. I used to think Bridget’s version was tougher, but now I think she exemplifies Goodkind’s Kahlan perfectly. She brings a spark to the character. I think it is her acting ability and the power of visual media, not a difference in the character’s strength. In other words, bringing the character to life onscreen made her strength more clear; it was not a change in portrayal. Terry Goodkind’s Kahlan is just as strong.

Well, maybe we will see it in a future episode!

“I know! I actually told one of our directors, and he laughed at me. Because in the dream I was looking over to him being like “look see, I got her, she’s on our side now!” Because once I confess someone, then they immediately change, and they’ll do anything to defend my life. So I was totally cheating.”

Ahahahahahahahaha. For someone who isn’t into fantasy, I love how she got so into the character, even dreaming about the plot. :)

Is there anything specific you do to get into character or does it just sort of happen when you put on the costume and makeup?

“It’s amazing. I’ve never played a character this long before. But when I put on the dress and the corset, I immediately feel different. It’s not like throwing on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Everything about the costumes are really authentic. There’s no zippers, or buttons or hooks or anything. So to get in that dress it takes twenty minutes of just lacing. And it’s kind of like a ritual in the morning. And that helps. I often go back and read Wizard’s First Rule. I have it in my trailer, my old beat up copy. I have little parts marked. And I really love the sections when it’s in — because the book changes narrative — sometimes it’s in Richard’s head, sometimes it’s in Kahlan’s. I love it when it goes into hers, because it’s like a little cheat sheet, you get to get some ideas. So those sort of things. I listen to a lot of music as well. I have a lot of playlists on my iPod that I bring on set to get me in the mood.”

Yes, her costumes are wonderful! They are intricate and great! Her white Mother Confessor’s dress was the first cosplay I considered! It is cool how simply taking the time to get into costume helps put her in character. It kind of reminds me of wearing a collar. Of course, collars can be practical as a restraint, but mostly I enjoy them because they set the mood. They remind me of my place; they’re like big strong arms, enveloping me in a secure, comforting hug. …around my neck :p I love how she took cues from the book sections in Kahlan’s point of view.

What’s your favorite song that you listen to?

“Oh my God. I really want to do an iTunes playlist! I talked to some people about that. You know it’s actually kind of dark, sad music. It’s a lot of Radiohead, and some White Stripes, too. I like the kind of aggressive, kick ass…sometimes you need that empowering sort of stuff. You know, Kahlan went through a lot of stuff last season…really, really heavy things. And so it was a lot of sad music.”

Oh my God!!! She listens to Radiohead!!!!! :D :) :) :) :)

Well, that makes sense. And what has been your favorite part of filming so far?

“I think — I have to say, it’s really simple. But I love acting every day. It’s so simple, but that’s always what I dreamed of doing, was being an actor, since I was a little kid. And the fact that I get to wake up every morning, and do that, when I have so many friends that are really talented and are living here in New York and in LA and they can’t seem to get that break where they get to do it, so I mean that’s a joy. And playing a part that I love as much as I do is pretty cool — pretty awesome.”

I don’t know her friends, but maybe she got her break because she is better, in other words, freaking epic!

And you were talking about last season being pretty serious. But have there been any funny moments on set?

“Oh my God, there’s lots. I actually was talking about this with Craig just a little while ago. We always want to cut up and play jokes and things like that, but we’re so pressed for time. Because we’re trying to do feature film quality special effects, on a really fast television turnaround schedule. So constantly I want to make him break and do something silly, but we feel like we have to reign it in. But a lot of the girls in wardrobe love to play pranks on Bruce Spence, and I sometimes try to get in on them. But one day, they were all waiting in Bruce’s trailer, wearing pajamas, watching “Dirty Dancing” and eating popcorn. (laughs) And he walked in and thought he was in the wrong room.”

Haha, this is hilarious! They sound like a fun, tight-knit group. I wish LotS could have reigned for years. :( I MISS IT!! I have an idea though, if someone amazing network decided to bring it back, they could open with an episode like Home (Season 1, Episode 12) where Richard is tangled in a spell cast by Darken Rhal and he reveals parts of their journey so far, almost including a big secret: The location of the last Box of Orden. Clearly, I would want them to employ Bridget Regan Craig Horner, Tabrett Bethell, and Bruce Spence!

Do all of the cast hang out during your downtime?

“We do. It’s actually such a small town, even if I’m not planning to see Craig [Horner], I run into him all the time. Because we live really, really close to each other. But we do hang out. We get brunches here and there. Bruce and I go to see plays when they come into town. We went and saw this Italian play together with our significant others. We hang out, we do. We have a great time together. It’s like we work really hard, and the crew is really terrific. And honestly all of my friends down at that end of the world are friends from work. The girl that was my dresser, she finally took her maternity leave, and she’s having her baby I think right now. I just got an e-mail that she was in contractions. They’re all my dearest friends down there, all people from work, and they’re gorgeous people who have a real down-to-earth outdoorsy sort of feel to them. They all like to rough it, because we do, we schlep up these mountains to work and they all are really good sports.”

Adorable! I wonder if she is still in contact with any of the cast or crew. I hope so! It would be sad to make such connections and then lose them because the show got cancelled. I suppose that would be no different than going away to college and inevitably losing closeness to high school friends, but it is still sad. I love that they’re really outdoorsy people! I think it is interesting that a lot of geeky people love camping and hiking. *raises hand* I don’t know why, but I noticed a trend. Perhaps it is because our epic fantasies are set in such gorgeous surroundings that we’re pulled from our gaming systems and out into the real world.

You were saying how there has been fan reaction to the show since before it started shooting. What has been the fan reaction to your character and the show? How was your reception at Comic Con?

“Oh, I didn’t go to Comic Con. I did Armageddon, in Auckland, which is kind of like their version of Comic Con. But every time I come home, there’s just all this beautiful letters from fans and things like that. The best compliment that I get is when people say to me ‘You’re how I envisioned Kahlan,’ or ‘How you played her is just how like how I pictured her,’ things like that is just like wow. That’s amazing to me, because for one person to read something and another person, and then my interpretation — for me to bring it to life, that’s really bizarre and has kind of a cosmic-y, spooky kind of feel, because in your mind — when you read something, you get your own picture. And for someone to write to me and go ‘now when I read the books I picture you,’ it’s like wow, that’s so cool.”

:D That is what I said!!

And can you give a little teaser, without spoiling too much of what’s coming up in season two?

“Hmm…well honestly I don’t really know too much further than a few episodes ahead of us. Because Ken Biller, he keeps a lot of it under wraps, he won’t let us know all the time. I think he changes it often, because I think he’s just got so many ideas. We do have a lot — we’ve had so many good guests from the states, like we have Charisma Carpenter in the first episode, and then we have Jolene Blaylock coming up from “Star Trek,” Amy Teegarden from “Friday Night Lights,” Gabriel Mann from “Mad Men.” I mean, some really great talent has come down to have a little play with us. But, it’s going crazy. I will tell you that on Tuesday, when I go back to work, I have a love scene, a sex scene, and I’m nervous…another one! This season’s been really racy, I can’t believe it, it’s really sexy and cool. I think it’s also Tabrett — because Tabrett’s new, she has some really hot, steamy scenes.”

Season 1 was great, season 2 was amazingly wonderful and spectacular! Cordelia Chase was a bonus!  Lol, there were hot steamy scenes in abundance!

And I’m sure it’s too early to know, but has there been any word on a possible season three?

“Everybody talks about it. It’s so funny, the second you finally hear you’re doing two, it’s like is there going to be three? I don’t know. The show has been sold in something like 130 some countries, so we’re doing pretty well in terms of interest all around the world, which I can imagine is quite a good sign of the studio wanting to continue. I don’t know, I think it’s just a matter of people tuning in. I know that it is hard for us, because I think a lot of our air times are up against a lot of sports and things like that. And I know a lot of people watch our show on Hulu and iTunes, and things like that, which don’t really count for our ratings on TV. I mean, I don’t really understand all this stuff that much but I do know there’s a lot of factors that go into it, other than us just having a good time. But I kind of hope we go to a third. I’m really enjoying my life down there, but you know it’s one of those things where sometimes it seems like it’s going by really slow, and then you go Oh my God, we’re halfway through the season, where’d this year go? Then it goes by really fast.”






:( COME BACK TO ME! Alas, all I can realistically hold my breath for is Terry Goodkind’s newest Richard and Kahlan book.

I know you were saying you weren’t really a fan: of fantasy before you started this project. So what would you tell viewers who might not watch a lot of fantasy — why should they tune into this 
show?

“Well what drew me to it was, I guess you could say, the romance: the relationship of Richard and Kahlan. I mean, to me it’s like Romeo and Juliet. It’s the sort of forbidden love thing. And I really think that’s part of the show, more than sort of magic and wizards and things like that. Maybe to some people it could be distracting, but I really find it to be kind of like, just an escapism sort of thing, where you get to go home, and forget about your day, and just kind of go into this other world — literally. It’s not reality.”

Aw, yes, Kahlan and Richard (and Cara ;P) forever! I love the dynamic between Richard and Kahlan. She is a strong, knowledgeable, opinionated woman, but she is clearly submissive to Richard. The problem is in real life, I need someone I could trust! I don’t have the Seeker of Truth!!! I think Fantasy is the best escapism genre. It is like taking a vacation without leaving home. I like magic; I’ve always had a fascination with the occult. In 8th grade I printed out over 300 pages of spells from the internet and created my own Book of Shadows, it “mysteriously” disappeared one day. However, often authors use it as a catalyst for heroism.

What other projects do you have coming up?

“I did a film in between the two seasons called The Best and The Brightest, and it’s with Neil Patrick Harris, and Amy Sedaris and Christopher McDonald, and Bonnie Somerville. It’s a really fun, great movie. I’m actually going to do ADR for it this afternoon, and I haven’t seen it yet so I’m really excited. That will be coming out sometime in 2010.”

After catching Legend of the Seeker, post-syndication sadly (not that my one view would make a cancellation difference), on Netflix, I looked for other things Bridget Regan was in. I saw The Best and The Brightest. It is hilarious! She is currently in White collar on USA. I’m going to check it out (after exams!) purely because she is in it.

What’s it like filming in New Zealand?

“Every scene that we do that’s outside, it’s all on location all over Auckland, and we’ve gone to the South Island a few times to shoot there as well. It’s really remarkable. It can be energizing as well, you know on a Wednesday in the middle of the week when you’re really tired. And I go to work in the dark usually, around four thirty. And then I come out of the makeup bus, with all the makeup on and everything, and there’s the most insane sunrise you’ve ever seen. And it’s pretty beautiful. I notice the air being so different, as soon I got off the plane in Los Angeles. I take one breath in, and I’m like wow, that did not smell nearly as fresh as it does down at that end of the world. But it’s remarkably beautiful.”

O.O The air smells fresh! :) It sounds divine. The scenery is spectacular, just like in Lord of the Rings. New Zealand is one of the top 3 countries I want to visit before I die.

I did not intend to quote the entire interview! Well, technically, I did not quote the whole thing. I left out one or two questions.




Even though I have 0 views today and so I should probably post twice, I’m off to study. I hope, for the whole day. :/ Thanks to my abysmal procrastination, to review all my lecture recordings, I’ll have to study at least 12 hours per day until Tuesday! Somehow I doubt that will occur. There is still hope. It is only 11:30 am. Twelve hours only puts me at 11:30 pm. However, it is the weekend; as a result, my mom will expect me to eat lunch and dinner. Boo weekends! BOO food! I know I need glucose and protein to adequately study, but it just takes time. I still have some Ensure, but somehow I doubt my mom will accept it as a meal replacement. Plus, by the time I publish this it will be well past 11:30 am because I have to go search for a proper picture. Case in point: it is now 1 pm! I got sidetracked looking up peer-reviewed scientific journal articles the efficacy of Apple Cider Vinegar.

Despite this stress, I am in a good mood so far. I’m not sure why. I took the medication I’ve been skipping for weeks last night. Also, I took all my meds this morning. I accidentally forgot them the other day. Furthermore, I got 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to my usual insomniac 5 hours. Also, I showered, yay Activities of Daily Living! When I’m anxious or my depression is bad or I’m just busy, they suffer. All these things could contribute. Or who knows, maybe I’m happy because I know no matter the outcome, the first (maybe only) semester of 1L hell will be over!

That reminds me, I had a dream I worked at Wal-Mart again. Geez, you know things are bad when you fondly dream of working at an entry-level job at Wal-Mart!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Online Dating and Law School

Haha, my mom mentioned online dating today. I told her I had nothing against online dating. In fact, I'd already done it. However, I do not have the time to date right now, maybe I'll consider it if next semester goes well. What I did not tell her was I feel I cannot date until I do a lot more soul searching. They know a little bit about my proclivities because when I was 13 I tried to meet men online and one of them introduced me to BDSM. As I mentioned in Masochism and Me, these thoughts have been in my head since before I can remember, but before that online chat, I did not know there was a name for people like me. Anyway, before handing my chat logs to detectives who investigate internet crimes against children, they read every word. As a result, they have known for years. Plus, when I was 16 I was caught on a Gor website. The only reason I was caught was because despite lying about my age (you were suppose to be 21), the only email address I owned was my school email address and some do-gooder admin took it upon themselves to email my school administration! Luckily, my high school was freaking amazing, but it was still embarrassing. My parents now knew it was more than a phase at age 13. *awkward* Also, they suspect I am bi or gay or something alternative. When I signed up for Pride at school they confronted me about it. They had these understanding looks in their eyes, as if all my issues (depression, eating disorder, etc.) made sense. I told them they were wrong. Pride was also PFLAG at my school.

I am not about to explain any of this to them. They might understand. When they found out about my continuing interest at 16, in an attempt to make me feel less awkward, one of them confided bondage fantasies. However, they're religious and stressed it was "okay if I wanted my husband to tie me up in bed..." In other words, sex before marriage was not okay. I don't know if it is possible to find my truth without surpassing oral sex. I know people engage in sexualized BDSM without literal sex, but I don't know if that is enough to explore this anew.

I think it is unfair to enter a relationship without deciding who I am first. At the same time, I do not believe in vaginal penetration without love. This presents an obvious problem. *sigh*

The point is I am not ready to date anyone right now, especially a potentially vanilla person.

These are problems for another day though...

I'm going to try...No, I'm going to study today. To that end, I'm going to log-off and
hopefullystay offline all day. I only have 5 days to study now; this is obviously my fault. Nonetheless, I am getting increasingly anxious.

I figured out there are 5 stages of procrastination. Perhaps if I get through this semester, I will explore their meaning and how to stop them like a Behavior Chain Analysis in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

One last thing: Darn it! I'm contributing to more stereotypes! For example, people who use online dating are crazy or weird or there is something wrong with them. :( Sorry universe! I swear there are normal, wonderful, kind, amazing people using online dating.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Like taking a Maserati and using it to sell vegetables at a Market

Earlier I had a conversation with my dad. He seemed worried about something. He said he had "a daughter intent on making [him] old before [his] time...because [I] let stress overwhelm [me] too easily." I asked if he meant he feared I would kill myself. He said he thought I was more stable than that for the past few weeks and he worried I would fail school and work as a cashier at Wal-Mart forever because that was the easiest path and (apparently) I often take the easiest path. I give-up too quickly. He compared me to my aunt who has a college degree, but worked half days at a lunch lady at a local school. For 15 years she worked there, but stayed part-time and never attempted to advance her position. She simply did the bare minimum. Furthermore, she lived at my grandma's house for all those years, rent free, and without contributing to any bills, even groceries. Yet, she had 4 kids who also moved in when she did. He said if I resign myself to being a cashier at Wal-mart, it is "like taking a Maserati and using it to sell vegetables at a market." In other words, while neither of us believe anyone is "too good" for a job because you should do what pays the bills regardless of your IQ, education, or any so-called "right" to a better job, he thinks it would be a waste for me to drop out of law school and be a cashier. He thinks I can contribute more to the world by being a lawyer.

I suppose I am being weak like he said, but that hurt my feelings. I am not like my aunt. I am not taking the easiest route. I don't even know what he is talking about! I can't think of anything I gave up because I didn't want to do the work. Right now, I am not doing the work I need to do in order to complete the semester. I have not done that work almost the entire semester. It isn't because I don't care though. It is because I am scared. I realize that is exactly what he said. The difference is that I don't want to give up. That is not my intention, yet I know by not studying, I am giving up by proxy.

I don't know how to force myself to study. I have recordings of lectures. The recorder is sitting next to me; I am supposed to transcribe them and create an outline to take to exams. Since Thanksgiving, I have barely done anything. I haven't even started one class recording.

I don't know what I'm saying. He is right, but he hurt my feelings. He is only calling me out with the truth, but I am not like his sister! Even if I don't make it through law school and I wind up in a entry-level pink-collar job, I would not be like her. I would give my best and I would not turn down offers to work more hours or promotions. If there was no hope of promotion in the company, I would find another job. *sigh*

Nonetheless, it would still be a waste. I know that and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. What little worth I attach to myself is based on others, either I have some worth because people who love me see worth in me, or I have worth because I can make a positive difference in people's lives. I cannot make the same difference at Wal-Mart and the practice of law. I am squandering potential. While I could still make a difference, just by creating a positive and helpful interaction in someone's day, it is not the same magnitude of difference and it is wasting the potential to make a larger difference. Purposefully wasting potential like that is wrong. It is not the same as harming people, but it is a little similar because I could have helped more people.

This line of reasoning is similar to my earlier posts. I am no super-human, I am not destined to do anything wonderful, but I do have a duty to try to damnedest and that requires more of me than it may require of someone else. As a result of innate intelligence (which is still not as high as too many other people) and gifts in life, like the ability to go to good schools, I have a duty to make a large positive difference.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell

Wolfram and Hart

I never thought lawyers were evil. Although law professors may be...Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault ;) ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.

How Law School makes me feel...


How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )


Angel_spine trophies pwr2


How I actually feel…


Bored nowLost_Locke there is not helping meLost_I'll fail Buffy_blah blah blah1hellAngel_violence


What I wish was possible…


BooksDark Willow


Trying to summon strength…






Face of Resolve






I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…


sleepy slayer max tears1


But in the end


Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses 


care     
I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn't be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe...
thrilling heroics
aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I'll still be online in 5 hours.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Mea Culpa

Oops, stayed in bed all day again. ...After just telling the Dean I was getting better. Grr.

I'm currently skipping therapy. I skipped class. I'm afraid I may have met my get kicked-out limit by skipping today!

I know hypersomnia is part of depression, but sometimes I stay up extremely late doing random things online or reading for fun, knowing I will have trouble getting up in the morning with less than 8 hours of sleep. I'm beginning to think it is a form of self-injury or at least, self-sabotage. I've also started driving without heat in 30 degree weather. I'm suspicious of that behavior as well.

I really should shower and get dressed before my mom gets home. On Friday she threatened to commit me. On one hand, I feel like I'm not a danger to myself at the moment. On the other hand, in the very recent past, I was, I'm also not showing up were I'm supposed to (school, therapy), not going to treatment (I skipped Friday to), not doing my Activities of Daily Living, and she  used to work for the Courts to commit people. Therefore, she knows what to say. If she counted my meds, she would realize I'm not taking Lamictel. I stopped when my psychiatrist worried I was swinging toward mania. I would rather be manic than depressed. So far, no dice.

*edit* skimming these posts as I copy/paste them, makes me realize how freaking insane I sound! I function much better than my internal monologue  and snippets of my day make it appear. Also, I ended up talking on the phone to my therapist.

Actions betray lies

"Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie." The Wizard's 5th Rule from Soul of the Fire, Chapter 28, page 205.

To make sure I was not misleading anyone, I looked up IQ percentiles. I was right. However, it made me think of something a therapist once told me. I don't remember specifically what I was saying to her, but I told her I was not good enough because of some action. She asked if I would think my friends were bad people for doing the same thing I did. I did not think they would be bad people for doing the same thing I did. Yet, I condemned myself for whatever action. She said, "You can't hold yourself to stricter standards than you hold the rest of the world. You don't get to make up rules for yourself."

Since then I repeat the idea to myself when I know I am being too hard on myself. However, my previous post made me reconsider. Why shouldn't I be held to a higher standard than most people? Yes, people may work hard at Wal-Mart. Someone is no lazy because they work at an entry level job. However, for me, with my IQ and educational opportunities, it is lazy to work at a non-skilled job. I can say I am not lazy until I am blue in the face, but if all I do is work at Wal-Mart forever, my actions betray a lie. Perhaps I am correct to expect more from myself than from people around me.

There is still a disconnect though. Imagining this scenario, I do not conceptualize someone with the same IQ and educational opportunities as lazy simply because of their job. At the same time, I specify person X as me and I see the person as lazy and bad. Therefore, the standards I hold myself to are not based on my IQ and background.

What are those standards based on? I don't know. They are internal. I find it ironic that I hate myself in almost all respects, yet I expect my thoughts and actions to be better than other people's thoughts and actions. If I am worthless, why should anyone expect outstanding results from me?

Are my personal standards too high? I know some of them are too high. It is unreasonable to expect perfection at all times, in everything. After all, no human is perfect. That is impossible. Others....I am not sure.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking and start DOING. I can think all I want after exams. Right now my brain power needs to be devoted to school, not thinking of all my shortcomings. I am awful at dwelling on problems. I ruminate over how bad I am and fail to look at the solution. Perhaps I need to tattoo that quote to my arm. Or since  my main emotion is overwhelming anxiety, maybe ""When you are out numbered, and the situation is hopeless, you have no option--you must attack"  (From The Adventures of Bonnie Day in Stone of Tears, Chapter 49, page 511) is more apt.

The Solution, Not the Problem


How Law School makes me feel...

^ How law school makes me feel....

3 weeks. I have exactly 3 weeks until the end of the semester. I am paralyzed by fear because I'm a perfectionist. I'm extremely behind in reading and I don't really know what to expect out of law school.
This week is the last week of classes. I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due tomorrow. I also have a court observation report due on Tuesday. I haven't observed yet, oops! After Thanksgiving, I have until December 10th to cram a semester's worth of legal knowledge into my brain. My last exam is on the 13th. The work feels overwhelming. I'm desperately trying to remember to "Think of the solution, not the problem." - Richard Rahl (in Blood of the Fold, by Terry Goodkind)

I have no choice. Since I am a first semester 1L, I cannot medically withdraw this semester. If I want to be a lawyer, I must pass this semester. If I fail, no law school will accept me as a new student.

*edit* For the moment I can't figure out how to import the blog. So, these are copies of my wordpress posts. As a result, I now have exactly 2 weeks until the end of the semester.