And I thought I had issues!

LOL! Someone is bitter...



I know it is unreadable, but it was the best picture I could get with my webcam. It says, "Finals monster is coming...to kill...your future in law!" I'll probably erase it before I leave so some scared person doesn't see it as an omen!

I'm much more confident than I should be this morning. I did not study at all this time. Ruh roh! However, I feel much less nervous than I did before my Contracts exam. Also, I saw my uber hot marine classmate (sadly, married with a child and twins on the way!) already this morning. He is nice and nice looking. :p

FYI, I probably seem proud of my procrastination or like I don't care about law school, but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm ashamed of my procrastination and I'm an awful perfectionist. I desperately want to do well, but I'm one of those people who procrastinates in order to blame my potential failure on something other than my innate worth or intelligence. If I procrastinate, I can say to myself, "I just failed because I didn't study." as opposed to trying with all my effort, still failing and having to face the truth that I am not good enough! It is a terrible strategy to maintain my self-image, but I can't seem to break away from it, despite the pain and anxiety it causes.

"14 Signs Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html

I was wrong; it isn't the end of the world

Wow, surprisingly, I don’t feel bad about it! I feel okay! I don’t think I aced it, but I don’t think I failed either. The annoying thing is I won’t know until January and I have no way of objectively knowing because it all depends in the curve. I’m a little nervous because I felt okay about our practice midterm and I scored below average. Plus, I missed a lot of class, not enough to get kicked out, but enough that he can lower our grade “at his discretion” as much as 1/3. Therefore, I could pass the exam, but still fail the class. The policy does not discriminate between excused and unexcused absences. My psychiatrist called him a savage for not excusing my absences that were directly from Depression. For now I feel happy though because I thought I would feel awful after the exam!

Also:

We all can be only what we are

Ugh! I barely did any work yesterday. I skimmed over the reading for one of Monday's classes. Granted, I rarely even do that. However, in order to pull this miracle off, I need to do much more than that paltry amount of studying.

The paper worth 40% of my grade is due at midnight. I have a sad, pathetic draft. Last time I had the worst grade in the class on the paper because I didn't start it until the day it was due. I knew the work I was turning in was sub-par. I knew it was awful! However, I underestimated my classmates because I have a $40,000 merit scholarship and my LSAT score was above the 75 percentile for my school. I'm not used to having to work for grades. I made it to Psi Chi without working hard and I maintained my academic scholarship all 4 years undergrad.

God, I know I sound extremely arrogant. How can I complain about not having to work hard for grades and getting a bad grade because I underestimated my peers? I knew my classmates were smart, but despite my self-loathing and insisting I am "stupid", I'm not used to being compared to people as smart as me. I went to academically excelled schools throughout my education, but still...by virtue of the bell curve, 90% of the people I meet are not as smart as me. I know you can't tell from my word choice and grammar. :p Therefore, I relied on the forced academic curve to maybe give me a B- for my bad paper. Nope... it was barely a C-. Now I fear I am not smart enough for law school. Actually, logically I know that is false. I am smart enough for law school. I don't know if I am smart enough to pass the semester after not reading for almost the entire semester and cramming it all in 2 weeks. Plus, mental illness is evil and I don't react to emotions the same as others.

*sigh* I know my self-pitying rambling is pointless. It won't help me pass. The only thing that will save me is focusing on the solution and not the problem. It is so fraking hard to do that though! My mind gets consumed with fear and I freeze. I am simultaneously afraid of failure and success. AHAHA, if I didn't have mental illnesses, I'd be unstoppable. I need to stop feeling sad about what could be and focus on what IS.
We may not all be capable of being the Mother Confessor, but I must heed her words...

"We all can be only what we are, nothing more, or less." - Kahlan Amnell

I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. Yet, I need to look past my flaws and not let my fears paralyze me.

The Solution, Not the Problem

^ How law school makes me feel....

3 weeks. I have exactly 3 weeks until the end of the semester. I am paralyzed by fear because I'm a perfectionist. I'm extremely behind in reading and I don't really know what to expect out of law school.
This week is the last week of classes. I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due tomorrow. I also have a court observation report due on Tuesday. I haven't observed yet, oops! After Thanksgiving, I have until December 10th to cram a semester's worth of legal knowledge into my brain. My last exam is on the 13th. The work feels overwhelming. I'm desperately trying to remember to "Think of the solution, not the problem." - Richard Rahl (in Blood of the Fold, by Terry Goodkind)

I have no choice. Since I am a first semester 1L, I cannot medically withdraw this semester. If I want to be a lawyer, I must pass this semester. If I fail, no law school will accept me as a new student.

*edit* For the moment I can't figure out how to import the blog. So, these are copies of my wordpress posts. As a result, I now have exactly 2 weeks until the end of the semester.