The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.
The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.
The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…
After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.
The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.
“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”
Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.
As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.
There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.
I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,
“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”
Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.
The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.
Showing posts with label Sadomasochism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadomasochism. Show all posts
Friday, December 20, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Reasons NOT to Come Out
1. Once you tell someone, not in the lifestyle, you are a masochist, it becomes a joke. For example, while baking 2 days ago, one item needed to be rolled in powdered sugar right after it came out of the oven. My mom said, “Ok, we need the masochist!” *she laughs*
Now, that is not especially hurtful or rude, but would it be socially acceptable to say, “Ok, we need the lesbian!” No, I think not. I don’t know, I’m probably being over sensitive.
2. Once you tell someone, it becomes okay to randomly hurt you. For example, After someone pinches me hard enough to break skin, I say, “What are you doing?” They reply, “What? You shouldn’t care; you’re a masochist.”
Um…That is not how it works…
Now, that is not especially hurtful or rude, but would it be socially acceptable to say, “Ok, we need the lesbian!” No, I think not. I don’t know, I’m probably being over sensitive.
2. Once you tell someone, it becomes okay to randomly hurt you. For example, After someone pinches me hard enough to break skin, I say, “What are you doing?” They reply, “What? You shouldn’t care; you’re a masochist.”
Um…That is not how it works…
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Masochism is Not a Disease
“For example, heavy masochists enjoy pain intensities that most players cannot tolerate, such as canings or single-tailed whippings. Canings and intense whippings are performed by very experienced players and can leave welts, small cuts, and bruises, but these are generally considered acceptable as long as these marks can heal on their own. Some heavy masochists are proud of their markings following a scene.“
Wait….That is abnormal?! I assumed all masochists felt this way.
“Therapists should be aware that dominant–submissive relationships, particularly those that are long term, may be characterized by levels of trust, intimacy, and sharing that may be unmatched by many conventional relationships.”
*nods* This is my experience.
“Although it may be common to assume BDSM participants are psychosocially maladjusted, many have been found to be well-educated and well-adjusted”
“Probably the most important point is that sexual masochism appears to be more common among successful, individualistic people” (p. 120). According to Baumeister, such unconventional behaviors seem to be a way to temporarily escape from the Self. Indeed, we live in a fast-paced society with high stress and many demands, but also restrictions, on different aspects of our identities. Perhaps BDSM play is a safe way for many individuals to creatively escape, whether it be through means such as letting go of control (submission), experiencing pain or extreme sensation (focus on the body and/or natural endorphin rush), or temporarily become a different identity (fantasy/role play).”
Awesome, he doesn’t think that is a bad thing! I kept reading different theories of masochism and therapists kept mentioning escape for self as a bad, self-destructive reason.
“Again, the issue is not whether or not certain behaviors are morally okay, but whether or not certain behavioral patterns warrant inclusion as legitimate mental disorders based on solid empirical evidence and scientific inquiry. As has been pointed out, the evidence supporting BDSM as being objectively and necessarily pathological is lacking. To the contrary, the available evidence suggests BDSM participants generally are healthy, educated, well-adjusted and successful. However, it is unfortunate that many participants must remain silent about their lifestyles for fear that misperceptions, cultural and religious biases and judgments by others could lead to severe problems in social and occupational functioning.”
Who knows, maybe by the DSM-VII we won’t be considered mentally ill (for this reason
) I think I’m going to talk to my uncle about all this. I used to talk to him about my eating disorder when I was a kid. I want to talk to someone, really talk to someone, not just type my thoughts to people who don’t respond. I know I’ll talk to him about bisexuality because he is gay. Therefore, I know he will have no qualms about that. I may bring up the submissive/masochistic side to. After all, he knows me and should be able to judge if my motives are self-destructive or not.
All quotes are from “Different (Painful!) Strokes for Different Folks: A General Overview of Sexual Sadomasochism (SM) and its Diversity” by DJ Williams
Apparently DJ Williams is a Sociologist, not a Psychologist. I suppose I can forgive him!
Wait….That is abnormal?! I assumed all masochists felt this way.
“Therapists should be aware that dominant–submissive relationships, particularly those that are long term, may be characterized by levels of trust, intimacy, and sharing that may be unmatched by many conventional relationships.”
*nods* This is my experience.
“Although it may be common to assume BDSM participants are psychosocially maladjusted, many have been found to be well-educated and well-adjusted”
“Probably the most important point is that sexual masochism appears to be more common among successful, individualistic people” (p. 120). According to Baumeister, such unconventional behaviors seem to be a way to temporarily escape from the Self. Indeed, we live in a fast-paced society with high stress and many demands, but also restrictions, on different aspects of our identities. Perhaps BDSM play is a safe way for many individuals to creatively escape, whether it be through means such as letting go of control (submission), experiencing pain or extreme sensation (focus on the body and/or natural endorphin rush), or temporarily become a different identity (fantasy/role play).”
Awesome, he doesn’t think that is a bad thing! I kept reading different theories of masochism and therapists kept mentioning escape for self as a bad, self-destructive reason.
“Again, the issue is not whether or not certain behaviors are morally okay, but whether or not certain behavioral patterns warrant inclusion as legitimate mental disorders based on solid empirical evidence and scientific inquiry. As has been pointed out, the evidence supporting BDSM as being objectively and necessarily pathological is lacking. To the contrary, the available evidence suggests BDSM participants generally are healthy, educated, well-adjusted and successful. However, it is unfortunate that many participants must remain silent about their lifestyles for fear that misperceptions, cultural and religious biases and judgments by others could lead to severe problems in social and occupational functioning.”
Who knows, maybe by the DSM-VII we won’t be considered mentally ill (for this reason
) I think I’m going to talk to my uncle about all this. I used to talk to him about my eating disorder when I was a kid. I want to talk to someone, really talk to someone, not just type my thoughts to people who don’t respond. I know I’ll talk to him about bisexuality because he is gay. Therefore, I know he will have no qualms about that. I may bring up the submissive/masochistic side to. After all, he knows me and should be able to judge if my motives are self-destructive or not.All quotes are from “Different (Painful!) Strokes for Different Folks: A General Overview of Sexual Sadomasochism (SM) and its Diversity” by DJ Williams
Apparently DJ Williams is a Sociologist, not a Psychologist. I suppose I can forgive him!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Scientific Research on Masochism
Finally I can research psychology journals or create fandom music videos without feeling guilty for
procrastinating!
So far, my research is comforting! Then again, I am purposefully biased in paper selection. Since I’m not doing this research for a dissertation or a lab, I am okay with that! However, you should know I am ignoring papers that are negative. Yet, the ability to find any positive published papers on masochism is exciting!
I wanted to wait until I read all the articles I saved, but I can’t wait to share this beautiful prose from a PhD psychologist, “The sexual relations found among the clients cited above are not about people who are running away from intimacy, notwithstanding the unusual nature of their sex lives; it is about choosing an extraordinary level of intense, erotic intimacy and of mutual trust. Once one enters the power exchange with a trusted partner, there is no going back, literally or figuratively. To put oneself in another’s hands is not about escapism but rather about being uncovered, exposure and discovery. To be held,appreciated, embraced and loved despite being (or because of having the courage to be) vulnerable and known intimately can lead to self-discovery and acceptance that is transforming. This is living on the edge. It may entail placing oneself in suspended animation, changing one’s pain threshold and intensely focused concentration.”
This paragraph gives me warm and fuzzies.
Yay for knowledgeable people making it okay and NOT pathological to be me.
And
“Whereas many people conceal themselves during sex, extraordinary lovers deliberately seek out the anxiety provoking. That which creates embarrassment, trepidation, a sense of foreboding, or provokes uneasy nervous laughter, curiosity, a titillating sense of risk and/or a compelling hint of arousal (Mahrer, 1996/2004) may suggest the potential for growth resides there. Rather than trying to dampen, modulate, contain and ignore (i.e., “bypass”) the anxiety that interferes with “functioning,” such lovers explore and exploit sensitive areas and use them as an avenue towards personal development and erotic intimacy. They may not know what lurks in their own shadows but the attitude is of welcoming unknowns.”
Both quotes are from “Learning from Extraordinary Lovers: Lessons from the Edge” by Dr. Peggy J. Kleinplatz
procrastinating!
So far, my research is comforting! Then again, I am purposefully biased in paper selection. Since I’m not doing this research for a dissertation or a lab, I am okay with that! However, you should know I am ignoring papers that are negative. Yet, the ability to find any positive published papers on masochism is exciting!
I wanted to wait until I read all the articles I saved, but I can’t wait to share this beautiful prose from a PhD psychologist, “The sexual relations found among the clients cited above are not about people who are running away from intimacy, notwithstanding the unusual nature of their sex lives; it is about choosing an extraordinary level of intense, erotic intimacy and of mutual trust. Once one enters the power exchange with a trusted partner, there is no going back, literally or figuratively. To put oneself in another’s hands is not about escapism but rather about being uncovered, exposure and discovery. To be held,appreciated, embraced and loved despite being (or because of having the courage to be) vulnerable and known intimately can lead to self-discovery and acceptance that is transforming. This is living on the edge. It may entail placing oneself in suspended animation, changing one’s pain threshold and intensely focused concentration.”
This paragraph gives me warm and fuzzies.
Yay for knowledgeable people making it okay and NOT pathological to be me.And
“Whereas many people conceal themselves during sex, extraordinary lovers deliberately seek out the anxiety provoking. That which creates embarrassment, trepidation, a sense of foreboding, or provokes uneasy nervous laughter, curiosity, a titillating sense of risk and/or a compelling hint of arousal (Mahrer, 1996/2004) may suggest the potential for growth resides there. Rather than trying to dampen, modulate, contain and ignore (i.e., “bypass”) the anxiety that interferes with “functioning,” such lovers explore and exploit sensitive areas and use them as an avenue towards personal development and erotic intimacy. They may not know what lurks in their own shadows but the attitude is of welcoming unknowns.”
Both quotes are from “Learning from Extraordinary Lovers: Lessons from the Edge” by Dr. Peggy J. Kleinplatz
BDSM: Maybe it IS about the Pain
I have a few different ideas about pain. Of course, not all pain is equal and circumstances matter a great deal, but that is another post.
This video contains fictional examples of some of my thoughts about pain. The clips are from V for Vendetta and Legend of the Seeker. If you’d rather not watch it, I’m also going to list them and explain the ideas in the post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rut1ONumlks
1. Pain gives us pride. This is a large aspect for me. I am proud of the amount of pain I can endure. I look at bruises or other marks, lightly touching them to make my nerves dance, and smile because I see proof of my inner strength.
2. Pain makes us powerful. I feel pride because of this power. Withstanding pain makes me powerful because the more pain I willingly endure, the less anyone or anything can truly hurt me. I am powerful because blows glance off me.
3. Pain teaches us control. Biting back a scream, forcing my body to remain still as the whip mars my flesh, or resisting the urge the cry, enables self-control. Sometimes I may not be able to control my emotions, but this helps. It gives me a measure of control that few people can match without drugs. If I can master my body, I can master my emotions.
4. Pain makes us resilient. Withstanding brutal bodily assault means lesser hurts, physical and emotional, are like minor annoyances. Once you’ve been though hell, everything else seems inconsequential.
5. Pain clarifies what is important to us. Taking yourself to the edge brings clarity. What are you willing to endure torture for? An ideal, such as honesty? Your life? Someone else’s life? It may even give you a will to live. Pain shows us there is more to life; it opens our eyes. What are we willing to sacrifice? What means more than our life?
6. Pain takes away our fear. This is the same idea as resilience. Once you’ve shown the limits of your will, there is nothing more to fear in this life.
7. Pain reveals our true selves. It strips away the veneer, the masks we put on, the image we try to project… It takes us to our base self. It shows who we really are without the trappings we live with.
8. Pain bonds us. Pain not only bonds a couple engaging in S&M, it also bonds us to others. Pain creates a new depth of intimacy. The trust and faith required to submit wholly to another person is unparalleled. This is how masochism is sexual for me. Pain has all these functions, but this one is purely about connecting with your partner on a new level. I am capable of strong, loving emotional connections, but pain brings something new to the equation. Yet, it also deepens our empathy towards everyone because pain is something all people experience.
9. Pain is transformative. Through all these ways, pain transforms our being. Once we have this knowledge of ourselves, once we are purified through the fire, we emerge as new people.
But if pain transforms than why would someone need more than one intense scene in their life?
Because we can always become stronger, more self-controlled, more powerful, more centered. Furthermore, pain has value in the moment.
10. Pain overwhelms the brain and blissfully obliterates emotion. Sad? Angry? Hurt? Lonely? You don’t have to be. Maybe it isn’t the healthiest way to deal with emotion, but it works. I don’t have to feel. I don’t have to scream at someone in anger. All I have to do is get rid of the emotion with another sensation. That is why I self-injure. It has nothing to do with sex. I’m not saying anger does not have a place. All emotions have a time and a place; confrontation is sometimes necessary to. You have to be able to express your needs within any relationship. Needs and wants and emotional reactions are normal. It is good to be able to talk about your feelings. Otherwise you can’t have a relationship because relationships, even D/s relationships, are two-sided. A sub or slave is not a doormat, he or she has wants, needs, and feelings just like any other human being. However, some people, submissive or masochistic or none of the above, have emotional reactions that they know are disproportionate or irrational. Sometimes those emotions have nothing to do with a legitimate want or need, they just spring up and engulf someone. In those cases, when there is no need that must be met or underlying root, and the emotion causes so much turmoil that it threatens to overwhelm the person, using pain to slay the beast makes perfect sense.
11. Pain sates the darkness. As Goodkind eloquently put it,
“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.
She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421 of Faith of the Fallen
Clearly, self-hate reigns here. This aspect is probably the most dangerous and unhealthy part. However, as long as the self-hate exists, it is safer to satisfy the demon within through pain from someone else’s hand than one’s own. Otherwise, the feelings of self-loathing may become overwhelming and awful things like suicidal ideation can result. Obviously, you have to pick a partner who cares about your wellbeing more than you do. If you chose a sociopath, you may be no safer than in your own hands. For me, submission fulfills this to. Serving someone else give me a purpose. Subjugation feels like something I deserve. It feels right and proper. Just like pain, submission has many other facets like showing love. However, that is for another post.
This video contains fictional examples of some of my thoughts about pain. The clips are from V for Vendetta and Legend of the Seeker. If you’d rather not watch it, I’m also going to list them and explain the ideas in the post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rut1ONumlks
1. Pain gives us pride. This is a large aspect for me. I am proud of the amount of pain I can endure. I look at bruises or other marks, lightly touching them to make my nerves dance, and smile because I see proof of my inner strength.
2. Pain makes us powerful. I feel pride because of this power. Withstanding pain makes me powerful because the more pain I willingly endure, the less anyone or anything can truly hurt me. I am powerful because blows glance off me.
3. Pain teaches us control. Biting back a scream, forcing my body to remain still as the whip mars my flesh, or resisting the urge the cry, enables self-control. Sometimes I may not be able to control my emotions, but this helps. It gives me a measure of control that few people can match without drugs. If I can master my body, I can master my emotions.
4. Pain makes us resilient. Withstanding brutal bodily assault means lesser hurts, physical and emotional, are like minor annoyances. Once you’ve been though hell, everything else seems inconsequential.
5. Pain clarifies what is important to us. Taking yourself to the edge brings clarity. What are you willing to endure torture for? An ideal, such as honesty? Your life? Someone else’s life? It may even give you a will to live. Pain shows us there is more to life; it opens our eyes. What are we willing to sacrifice? What means more than our life?
6. Pain takes away our fear. This is the same idea as resilience. Once you’ve shown the limits of your will, there is nothing more to fear in this life.
7. Pain reveals our true selves. It strips away the veneer, the masks we put on, the image we try to project… It takes us to our base self. It shows who we really are without the trappings we live with.
8. Pain bonds us. Pain not only bonds a couple engaging in S&M, it also bonds us to others. Pain creates a new depth of intimacy. The trust and faith required to submit wholly to another person is unparalleled. This is how masochism is sexual for me. Pain has all these functions, but this one is purely about connecting with your partner on a new level. I am capable of strong, loving emotional connections, but pain brings something new to the equation. Yet, it also deepens our empathy towards everyone because pain is something all people experience.
9. Pain is transformative. Through all these ways, pain transforms our being. Once we have this knowledge of ourselves, once we are purified through the fire, we emerge as new people.
But if pain transforms than why would someone need more than one intense scene in their life?
Because we can always become stronger, more self-controlled, more powerful, more centered. Furthermore, pain has value in the moment.
10. Pain overwhelms the brain and blissfully obliterates emotion. Sad? Angry? Hurt? Lonely? You don’t have to be. Maybe it isn’t the healthiest way to deal with emotion, but it works. I don’t have to feel. I don’t have to scream at someone in anger. All I have to do is get rid of the emotion with another sensation. That is why I self-injure. It has nothing to do with sex. I’m not saying anger does not have a place. All emotions have a time and a place; confrontation is sometimes necessary to. You have to be able to express your needs within any relationship. Needs and wants and emotional reactions are normal. It is good to be able to talk about your feelings. Otherwise you can’t have a relationship because relationships, even D/s relationships, are two-sided. A sub or slave is not a doormat, he or she has wants, needs, and feelings just like any other human being. However, some people, submissive or masochistic or none of the above, have emotional reactions that they know are disproportionate or irrational. Sometimes those emotions have nothing to do with a legitimate want or need, they just spring up and engulf someone. In those cases, when there is no need that must be met or underlying root, and the emotion causes so much turmoil that it threatens to overwhelm the person, using pain to slay the beast makes perfect sense.
11. Pain sates the darkness. As Goodkind eloquently put it,
“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.
She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421 of Faith of the Fallen
Clearly, self-hate reigns here. This aspect is probably the most dangerous and unhealthy part. However, as long as the self-hate exists, it is safer to satisfy the demon within through pain from someone else’s hand than one’s own. Otherwise, the feelings of self-loathing may become overwhelming and awful things like suicidal ideation can result. Obviously, you have to pick a partner who cares about your wellbeing more than you do. If you chose a sociopath, you may be no safer than in your own hands. For me, submission fulfills this to. Serving someone else give me a purpose. Subjugation feels like something I deserve. It feels right and proper. Just like pain, submission has many other facets like showing love. However, that is for another post.
Hmm…perhaps this post was wrong or perhaps they are both right and it is not either/or.
Monday, December 9, 2013
That Bisexual BDSM Chick...not so fast
No self-harm urges right now! I’m feeling wonderful. I wish I could freeze time and give myself more hours to study, but c’est la vie.
I had a wonderful, uplifting conversation with the woman who runs this hilarious blog! Conclusion? I’m 95% sure I’m bisexual and that is fricking okay! She shared this awesome The West Wing clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1-ip47WYWc
I need to let myself explore. It isn’t wrong.
I’m not coming out anytime soon offline. The day after we had that awkward conversation about BDSM, my mom told me homosexuality would be a lot worse and she was glad my problem was BDSM, not homosexuality.
Plus, my family didn’t react kindly when my uncle came out. My grandpa wanted to disinherit him and they didn’t speak for years. I know my mom thinks it is wrong. At least, everyone is on speaking terms now.
Since my family is not accepting and exams are looming, it may seem weird that I feel happy. However, I had some realizations during my conversation with Deej and I’m one step closer to accepting part of my sexuality. That is a wonderful thing! Now if only I could hold on to this good feeling tomorrow morning.
I had a wonderful, uplifting conversation with the woman who runs this hilarious blog! Conclusion? I’m 95% sure I’m bisexual and that is fricking okay! She shared this awesome The West Wing clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1-ip47WYWc
I need to let myself explore. It isn’t wrong.
I’m not coming out anytime soon offline. The day after we had that awkward conversation about BDSM, my mom told me homosexuality would be a lot worse and she was glad my problem was BDSM, not homosexuality.
Plus, my family didn’t react kindly when my uncle came out. My grandpa wanted to disinherit him and they didn’t speak for years. I know my mom thinks it is wrong. At least, everyone is on speaking terms now.
Since my family is not accepting and exams are looming, it may seem weird that I feel happy. However, I had some realizations during my conversation with Deej and I’m one step closer to accepting part of my sexuality. That is a wonderful thing! Now if only I could hold on to this good feeling tomorrow morning.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM
Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!
This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.
How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.
I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.
Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.
Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.
Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.
*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.
Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Apparently Terry Goodkind is inside my Mind
Say hello to my mind twin, Nicci, former agent of the Keeper (or as people irl call him, the Devil). Either Terry Goodkind dealt with depression and that is how he is inside my mind, or there is some other factor I am not considering.
Legend of the Seeker:
http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or
Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen)
“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.
She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421
^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, YES, EXACTLY!!
“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287
Yes, that is what it is like.
“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212
I’ve had this exact thought.
"Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289
“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342
“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398
It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did. Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.
I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.
Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch?
I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe.
Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….
Legend of the Seeker:
http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or
Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen)
“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.
She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421
^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, YES, EXACTLY!!
“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287
Yes, that is what it is like.
“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212
I’ve had this exact thought.
"Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289
“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342
“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398
It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did. Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.
I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.
Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch?
I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe.
Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
*Updated December 4, 2013* Redemption through Service
Note: I originally posted this on December 2nd, 2013, but I realized I linked the wrong post. As a result, this post probably made little sense. Also, this sentiment would make more sense if I belonged to a religion that believed in salvation through good works. However, despite using words such as sin and redemption, I am not religious. Furthermore, I was not raised Catholic or any other religion that teaches salvation through good works.
You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, this title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”. “Nicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci’s emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.” http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Nicci
Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.
It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.” http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Fellowship_of_Order
:(
There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, “Oh my GOD, she thinks like I do.” I’m too lazy to go searching through all the books to find them at the moment.
I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?
This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.
This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people in Orwell's 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan, I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website, much less this website). While searching for a Doublethink quote, I found an interesting news piece. Apparently, sales of 1984 skyrocketed recently.
Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!
So many questions, no answers.
You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, this title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”. “Nicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci’s emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.” http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Nicci
Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.
It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.” http://sot.wikia.com/wiki/Fellowship_of_Order
:(
There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, “Oh my GOD, she thinks like I do.” I’m too lazy to go searching through all the books to find them at the moment.
I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?
This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.
This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people in Orwell's 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan, I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website, much less this website). While searching for a Doublethink quote, I found an interesting news piece. Apparently, sales of 1984 skyrocketed recently.
Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!
So many questions, no answers.
Friday, November 29, 2013
BDSM: It's not about the pain; it's about trust. Right?!
- "It's not about the pain; it's about trust." - Echo in Dollhouse s01e09
Furthermore, pain is inextricably linked to submission. I don't know how that happened, but it did. Without pain, it feels like a role in a play; it feels like an act.
In order to let someone have that much control over me (I.e., restraints I truly can't get out of on my own), I must trust them with my life...literally. Once bound, I am s.o.l. if they decide to go past my boundaries. That type of power exchange makes me feel safe, like I'm enveloped in a warm cocoon. I believe this is because of the high level of trust necessary. If I trust them as much as I need in order to put myself at their mercy, I cannot help but feel safe with a collar around my neck.
My favorite female characters confounded me for a while. (Cara from Legend of the Seeker, Echo from Dollhouse, Max from Dark Angel, Sydney Bristow from Alias) If I identified as submissive, why were my favorite characters the strong, self-reliant ones, who often ignored authority? Then I realized, this isn't about laziness and wanting someone to control my every move so I didn't have to think. It isn't about wanting someone to take care of me and it isn't about weakness. I value self-sufficiency and internal fortitude, in myself and others. This dynamic is about a self-sufficient, whole human being trusting someone, loving someone, enough to give that person control. The only person I could turn myself over to is someone who I knew held my best interest at heart. If my arms are going numb and I signal to them, they will listen and fix the problem to prevent nerve damage, as opposed to continuing their work for their own gratitude.
In turn, that magnitude of trust forms a deeper bond than most relationships. Moreover, trust generates feelings of security, peace, and happiness.
Are those feelings possible in vanilla relationships? Sure. However, my experience is BDSM fosters trust and openness on different playing field, faster than other relationships. It is inevitable. To be safe, you have to talk about everything going on inside you physically and emotionally.
I know there are people out there who use this lifestyle as a smoke-screen for abuse. That is awful. I have been very fortunate to be with people who respect my wishes and value my well-being above their own happiness.
If BDSM is so great, why do I have so much trouble accepting it? Well, I think there are some great aspects to it, but I also fear I have ulterior motives like self-harm. I don't know how to suss out where genuine kinks begin and self-hate begins. I wish I knew. I don't know what I'll do if I decide kinky cannot be healthy for me. Also, for some reason, I feel guilty about it all.
I feel weird that the only time I find pleasure in intimacy is with BDSM trappings. I'm afraid that means something is wrong with me, that I'm not normal. Maybe if I find the right person, pain and submission won't matter. Who knows. What if this dynamic is all I ever feel comfortable with AND it is unhealthy? I just don't know. I also don't know how to go about exploring these things. It feels unfair to experiment with someone. I couldn't see myself with a vanilla person. Therefore, I'd be exploring the vanilla side of life with another kinky person. Yet, what happens if at some point, I decide BDSM is no healthy for me? What if I realize all these thoughts about pain and trust are simply rationalizations to mask self-loathing? What if it is all about the pain because I think I deserve punishment? I guess I break-up. That sounds simple, but it is not simple for me. I may be young, but I do not take intimacy lightly. I would feel dishonest going in to a relationship to explore non-kinkiness with a kinky person. Dishonesty would destroy the needed trust, making me feel unsafe. Do you see the problem?
I suppose to the solution is to develop a more relaxed view of sex. I doubt that will happen. *sigh*
If anyone is reading this, do I make sense at all? My own mind confuses me; therefore I imagine others would find it convoluted as well.
Masochism and Me
It isn't that I believe I am worthless. I believe I have worth. I believe I have potential. I do not believe I am a good person. Given that I have an innate drive to punish myself, can masochism be anything but self-destructive for me? Is my self-hate the driving force for my masochism? If it is the driving force, is that okay? Is it fair to my partner? If masochism is the only way I find pleasure in intimacy, where does this leave me? Why am I this way? Can I fix it? Does it need to be fixed? If self-hate is a driving force, but not the only reason I enjoy masochism, is it still okay to participate or will it always be unhealthy? Can it be healthy if I still hate myself? What are the reasons, other than self-hate, that I enjoy masochism? Was I born this way? Am I meant to be a sub? Is that the only way I can be happy in a relationship? If kinky relationships are the only romantic type that I like, and they are unhealthy for me, what do I do?
I don't have the answers to all these questions, but I intend to think about them.
One thing I know is that this is a part of me. The first masochistic fantasy I remember was at age 5! I did not know what it was called back then and there was no sexual component until puberty, but these thoughts have always been with me. Did I hate myself at age 5? I don't think so, but maybe I did. If I did not, that speaks in favor of masochism as not wholly involved with self-hate.
I feel kind of guilty talking about all this because I know there is a misconception that all kinsters are crazy. I don't want to feed in to that misconception, but I need to work through this.
Sometimes...
I don't have the answers to all these questions, but I intend to think about them.
One thing I know is that this is a part of me. The first masochistic fantasy I remember was at age 5! I did not know what it was called back then and there was no sexual component until puberty, but these thoughts have always been with me. Did I hate myself at age 5? I don't think so, but maybe I did. If I did not, that speaks in favor of masochism as not wholly involved with self-hate.
I feel kind of guilty talking about all this because I know there is a misconception that all kinsters are crazy. I don't want to feed in to that misconception, but I need to work through this.
Sometimes...
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